Private corners of the mind 🔞 ✔️

Part 7

"Did you ever see me as... your daughter?" I swallowed hard.

The surprised smile that spread on his lips revealed a lot.

"No, that was never the case with me," he shook his head. "I couldn't see you as a child at all. You're a grown woman, Natalie. A brilliant mind wrapped in a sweet, beautiful body. Everything about you attacked weaknesses I didn't think I had anymore. That first time you looked at me with those electric blue eyes...." he smiled dreamily, "it felt like you looked right through me, through my disguise. Like you saw more than an old, ruthless killer. And no matter how much I tried, I couldn't get rid of the butterflies in the stomach that you gave me."

That was unexpected. Despite his impression, I had no idea what kind of a man he was until I ran a few games with him – of course, I'd heard of him, but I reserved the final judgment to myself. I was simply grateful at that moment, recognizing the effort it took those few people to get past their differences just to help me. I missed papa horribly, my world suddenly so strange and hostile without him, so hard to navigate, and I automatically looked for a father in the first suitably aged person who offered me some warmth.

"So all the times you've been nice to me, protected me..."

"Just because I wasn't going to ask anything of you, didn't mean I was able to stop caring," he reached for my cheek and brushed it lightly with his fingertips. "It was something I'd never practiced much, but it came naturally around you. I was always careful, though. In the beginning, I was even able to avoid dirty thoughts and all. Until you so conveniently left boudoir selfies behind, free for the taking... My imagination ran wild and there was nothing more I could do to stop it."

"I didn't do it on purpose," I gasped at the notion. "And you had to have dug for some time before you stumbled upon those, they were at least six months old. I wouldn't, that's my point. I saw you as a... father figure. Someone to substitute for papa. And then suddenly I'm having these feelings for you..." I hugged myself, breathing shallowly. "How sick is that? What is wrong with me?"

"Why would there be anything wrong?" he sighed, stroking my back soothingly. "I'm not your father. You needed that image for some time, to find your footing, to feel safe. Obviously, you don't need it anymore. You're strong enough to be an adult, to be someone who doesn't need to hide behind a parent. You grew up, Natalie, that's all."

I was still shaky, not sure if his words were safe to accept or not, but he did make me feel better. Perhaps he was right. I still missed papa, but did I really need him?

No. I knew how to live my life now. I knew what to do. I could handle anything thrown at me. I might complain and cry and panic... but I would do what was needed and I would prevail. I wasn't a scared kid anymore. That's what others still saw in me, and I let them reflect that image back onto me. No more.

Clearly, Alexander had a different view of me. Finally, I relaxed, slowing and deepening my breathing. He didn't want me because of some kink. He saw the real me and that was what drew him to me. And he'd seen it before I could.

I gave him a loving smile and he paid me back.

"Why didn't you even try then?" I asked the obvious. "You don't seem to think I'm so weak and impressionable anymore and you're successfully battling the disease, so why not give us a chance? If I hadn't found that picture, would you have really been okay with just letting this slip your grasp?"

He chuckled and it was a sad sound.

"Your life is just beginning, while I'm getting old. Just what do you intend to do with me when my body starts to fail me outside of ageless diseases?" he laughed mirthlessly.

The forgotten movie chose this moment to grace us with loud noises, so Alexander just casually pointed the remote at the TV and paused it.

"It's almost perfect now..." he said. "Though I'd shave at least ten years off my timeline to feel like I could really offer you the best. It won't take long before the age starts to announce itself more palpably, though. And then you're bound to either leave me and find someone younger, or make me feel awful for putting you through that pain. This can't last."

I opened my mouth, but he put a finger over my lips to stop me. This was clearly something he needed to be said.

"But I knew that and I still chose to be with you, even if it's only for a few years." He planted a warm kiss on my forehead. "And it might have been wrong, just as I feared, but it's done. I'm in too deep now, I won't let you go without a fight. But you can still change your mind, Natalie. If there's any doubt in you, you have to face all the facts and decide again, with a clear mind this time. I'd rather have you for a short time than not at all... Do you really feel the same?"

"Who says there isn't a third option?" I frowned at him. "Don't skip to the end yet. You can't know what the future will serve us. I'm not gonna let a guillotine hang over my head. I will enjoy all I can get and... then deal with whatever comes next. Please, don't assume this approach. That's not how I want to be with you."

He smiled warmly this time.

"Everything dies* eventually, Natalie," he said softly, "still, I can't but love that you didn't waver. That gives me hope. It's been a long time since I last pictured love in my future, since I believed it could happen. For some time I even thought I was no longer interested in that. I had my formula and tons of subjects, it was great. When you came and spoiled it for me, I was angry with you at times for making me feel again. Now you gave me so much more that what you'd taken..."

He made me cry with that last sentence.

"Oh, come now," he cooed and wrapped me in a bear hug. "I just wanted you to start calling me by my first name, I didn't mean to turn this casual movie night into a sob-fest," he laughed.

"I know," I sputtered. "I'll try. Alexandre**."

"Almost there," he chuckled and my body trembled with the small earthquake he caused. "Your accent makes everything you say sound either cute or hot, but this is a mouthful... Maybe just call me Lex. It used to be my nickname in college, so perhaps it'll make me feel just a bit younger, too."

"Lex," I gave it a try. It felt foreign in my mouth. "Lex. Lex." But as I kept tasting the word on my tongue, I started to like it. "Alright, I think I can do that. It's nice. Short and youthful. Should help me shake the father-figure image. Lex. You can call me Nat."

"I kinda already do," he grinned. "In my fantasy at least."

I gave him a naughty smile. I knew it.

"I've been calling you Alexandre for a few months now, too," I confessed. "In my mind. Never dared ask you if you wanted to be on the first-name basis with me."

"Well, and now we're so much further," he purred into my ear and then nibbled on my lobe, making me shudder and gasp for air. "I know we said to keep our hands to each other, but I do occasionally enjoy sweet torture. Don't you?"

I could only nod, my brain refusing to cooperate. Instead of a movie we just had each other on the couch for a few long moments. But when I yawned in the middle of kissing, he resolutely pulled away and chased me to the bathroom, so we could brush our teeth together. He lent me one of his shirts to sleep in, giving me such a dirty look as I emerged dressed in it, and we curled into each other under the covers.

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* And he loves to watch, yes, we know.

** In case you didn't know, Natalie is French and has a heavy accent. It's fake, the voice actress is American, I think, but she does a good job and it sounds really cute :).