Clueless [h.s]

[51] Warmth

After a few seconds of anxiously waiting for him to open the door, I wrapped my hand around the handle and let myself in. My feet slid against the tile in the hallway and in the living room before my feet led me to the restroom where the light was flickered on and the door was slightly cracked open. My heart burst and my chest caved in so deep that I was sure I had a gaping hole through it by now. It was until I heard his silent sobs that completely tore me down, the vile in my throat that immediately rose at the sound of it but I had swallowed it back before I slightly pushed the door open and let myself in.

His body was hunched over the toilet as his hands gripped the edges of the seat, his knuckles white at the amount of pressure he was gripping it with. His hair matted down onto his forehead and his red lips were parted as he let the choking sobs wrack through his body. His chest was heaving up and down with heavy yet shaky breaths and I could see his whole body shaking terribly as he did so. His skin was so pale, he looked completely drained. He looked as if all the color and life had been completely sucked out of him and all that was left was emptiness.

He hadn't noticed me yet but when I gently placed my hand on his shaking back, his body jumped in fear. My hand rubbed soft but soothing circles on his back as I crouched down beside him and watched him intently.

"I-I'm sorry." Harry sobbed, not meeting my eyes as he crouched over the toilet.

"You have nothing to be sorry for, this is not your fault." I spoke truthfully. I was telling the truth though, Harry's mental illness is definitely not his fault. Harry never wanted to be this sad, he never thought he would end up like this. He did not put this on himself.

"I can't throw up, Ariana. I can't fucking throw up anymore." Harry mumbled.

"What do you mean?"

"I feel like throwing up again but I can't do it. I don't have enough food in me to throw up. I'm trying to do it but I can't, there's nothing in me."

I swallowed. I did not know what to say, there was absolutely nothing to say. All of Harry's words and confessions added another heavy layer of worry on my shoulders and drove a white hot spear to my heart.

"I feel so empty, it feels like I am being punched in the chest and I feel like I have heartburn at the same time. I feel like I am burning on the inside out, yet so empty all at once as if everything has been completely sucked out of me and left me drained." Harry shoved a hand through the hair matted down on his forehead as he deeply pushed a long breath from between his lips. His lips were so incredibly full and plump, even if his skin was so ghostly pale and clammy his warm lips always remained the same.

His breathing was uneven and came out in heavy pants but he was not crying as badly as he was before. It was as if the more he spoke about what he truly felt he would get used to it and slightly heal from relief of having somebody to listen to him. He was sitting back against the bathtub, back rested on the edge of it as his legs extended before him. His arms were resting on his lap and his eyes were squeezed shut but he still let the tears freely roll down his cheeks. My arm extended out to take his hand into mine and he let me this time.

"It's not your fault, Harry. Don't blame this on yourself."

"Yes it is. I am the one who started all of this and dragged you into every single one of my problems. I am the one who told you to leave and constantly hurt you when you deserved none of it. It's all my fucking fault."

My hands rose up to cradle both sides of his face and forced him to look at me, I had to let him know that none of this was his fault and that I did not regret a single thing that shaped our relationship. His dull green eyes stared deeply into mine before they would search all over my face, my lips, my cheeks, my chin, my forehead, my nose, and back up to my eyes.