Play with Fire

[December] 16

"I think I should let her go."

Those whispered words that came from Hyungwon cut through the silence in the church like a knife. He noticed Hoseok's surprised look at him and looked up, right into Hoseok's sad, brown eyes. "It's the only way. She doesn't deserve to be in a coma longer than necessary." His eyes filled with tears, and he stared at the hanging figure of Jesus right in front of them. "But I'm still not sure, if it's the right decision. I mean, she's my mother. How could I possible be the one to make this decision for her? Who am I to end her life like this?" Hoseok wrapped his arms around Hyungwon's shoulders, and the boy leaned into the hug. He sighed and the tears fell down his cheeks. "You're the best son she could've ever asked for. And even though I never talked to her in person, I know that she is extremely proud of you." Hyungw felt the soft kiss on his head and sniffed lightly. "And I'm proud of you, too."

They stayed for a little longer and Hyungwon prayed for his mother, before they went back to the hospital. That was the place where, especially Hyungwon, spend most of his time during the last weeks. It took him over a week to get back to school and even one week more, to tell his friends about the situation. They all offered to help him, but he could only nod. He would never ask them to do anything that was out of their comfort zone, so he didn't talked that much about the decision he had to make. In fact, he hadn't told them anything about it. Only Hoseok knew, what was going on for real and he stayed still. But he watched over the boy with worries rising inside his thoughts. And even though they loved each other and shared their lives, he felt some kind of distance forming between them. He just didn't know that Hyungwon planned the distance between them. He loved Hoseok. He really did, but he didn't wanted him to be involved into this any deeper. But now it was the time to tell Hoseok, what he was doing.

At the hospital he talked to the doctor and decided the day of his mother's death. After that he went back into his mother's room. Hoseok had been waiting for him inside but when he arrived at the door, he saw that Hoseok hold his mother's hand and looked at her. He talked to her but in such a low voice that Hyungwon couldn't understand a word. Hoseok kissed her hand and then leaned back into his seat, still looking at her. Hyungwon entered the room and softly placed his hand on Hoseoks shoulder. The older looked up.

"Hey, are you alright? Could you talk everything out with the doctor?"

Hyungwon nodded and looked at his mother. She seemed so peaceful. And still beautiful, despite the pale skin color. "Yes, everything is done." Hoseok stood up from his stool and hugged Hyungwon tight. Hyungwon felt the warmth of Hoseoks arms, wrapping around his upper body und for a second allowed himself to close his eyes and just inhale his scent. Then he looked at his mother again and sighed. He reached out his arm and softly stroke over her hand. "Let's go. I need to do some things at home." With that he stepped a few steps back and broke the hug. He felt Hoseok's worried look at his back but walked on and out of the ICU. He knew he hurt Hoseok with his behavior, and it wasn't his intension to do so, but he couldn't help it. His thoughts went crazy inside his head, and he couldn't figure out how to silence them. Well, he knew one way to silence them, but that way was Hoseok, and he did everything to protect him from the person he was about to become.

When they arrived at Hyungwon's apartment, the younger went straight into his mother's office and closed the door behind him, leaving Hoseok behind without any explanation. He looked into the dark room, which was only filled with the lights outside shining through the white curtains and took a deep breath. The desk in front of the windows was as tidy as always and Hyungwon smiled lightly by the thought of his mom searching through the papers she had just put away a few days earlier. She hated it, when the desk was a chaos but on the other side, she couldn't find anything if it was clean. Tears filled Hyungwon's eyes, and he closed it. And then he smelled the light hint of his mother's perfume. It was almost gone because his mom wasn't inside the room for a long time, but still.

And she will never be here again...

He walked over to the desk and sat down in her chair. His elbows were placed onto the clean and cold wood, while his hands covered his eyes. And just now he allowed himself to let out the tears, he was holding back since he talked with the doctor. He sobbed silently. His heart hurts like crazy and the tears suffocated him. While he cried his heart out he looked at the ceiling, as if his mother would already be up there, looking down on him.

After a while he somehow clamed down and stared at the framed picture of him and his mom. It was made on the day he graduated middle school. They both looked into the camera, sharing the same beautiful and happy smile. Hyungwon smiled sadly and then turned the picture around. He needed to concentrate on the paperwork he had to finish before the funeral. And so he opened his laptop and started working. A few hours later, he heard a light knock at the door. "Yes?" The door opened and Hoseok stepped into the room, a tray with food and a mug in his hands. "I've made you something. Are you hungry?" Hyungwon nodded and realized that he was really hungry. He was so focused on the papers, that he hadn't noticed until Hoseok came in. The older placed the tray in front of him and sat down into the chair that stood in front of the desk. "How far have you come?" Hoseok looked at him, questioningly and Hyungwon returned the look, knowing too well, that his eyes were still swollen and his cheeks still red from the crying a few hours before. He shrugged his shoulders and took a spoon full of soup into his mouth. "I don't know to be honest. I still need to understand all of this, but I think I've already sorted a few things out." Hoseok nodded, while Hyungwon continued to eat.

"Can I help you with anything?"

Hyungwon shook his head. "No, thank you. I need to figure this out on my own." Hoseok took his hand and looked him deep into the eyes. "Hyungwon. Please. You don't need to do all of this alone. I can help you with some things, ok? Its already the worst that you have to..." He stopped and looked down. Hyungwon pulled his hand out of the older ones and stood up, walking up to the window on his right side. "I don't need your help, alright? I can totally o this on my own. I'm not a child anymore." He turned around again, furious. "If I need to decide that my mother will die, then I think I can also handle the paperwork, that comes with this decision. I AM the one who needs to take responsibility! Why can't you understand that?!" He turned around again and faced the window, trying to hold back his tears. He heard Hoseok standing up from his chair and him walking over to Hyungwon. He placed his hand onto the youngers shoulder, but Hyungwon shook him off. "I still have to work. Please, leave me alone." Hoseok sighed. "If that's what you want. I'm going to bed then." He turned around, taking the tray with him. When he almost reached the door, he looked back at Hyungwon, who still stood at the window. "I'm always there for you if you need me. I love you, Hyungwon." With that, he opened the door and left the room. Hyungwon sighed and leaned his forehead against the cold window.

After a while he finally finished the work he could do before the funeral and closed his laptop. He leaned back into the chair, massaging his temples. Then he stood up, turned off the lights on the desk and left the room. After a quick shower he went into his room, finding Hoseok already fast asleep in his bed. A light snore came from the sheets and Hyungwon grinned. He sat down onto the frame and for a while just watched Hoseok sleeping. He felt so guilty about what he had said to him a few hours before, but he couldn't take it back and he knew that. Softly he strokes over Hoseoks arm and placed a light kiss onto his forehead, before he laid down himself, wrapping Hoseok's arm around him. He listened to his breathing and closed his eyes. The peace Hoseok brought to him, wherever he was, was the thing that made him be able to sleep at all and so he sunk into a deep and dreamless sleep.