don't get too attached - matt sturniolo

chapter eight

(a/n: potential tw for the mention of v*mit!)

the morning was a quiet affair as always, and i hurried to get ready, yearning for the background buzz of students instead of… whatever this was.

rifling through my closet, my fingers touched the fabric of a silken blouse, a little too big on me and faded with age and disuse. it was the one shirt she apparently forgot to pack.
 
i thought i had gotten past this laughably pathetic morning routine, but i still found myself holding the shirt up to my face, feeling the smooth material against my cheek and searching for the faint traces of cheap vanilla scented lotion that made my nose wrinkle and my heart long for her to be home again.

i sighed, putting my mind towards getting ready. those feelings had long been tucked away, leaving behind an uncomfortable itch in the back of my head every now and then.

the drive was quiet, the radio playing lowly in the background. emerging from my car, i breathed a sigh of relief. normally, the waves of sounds lapping over the other would be overwhelming, but it was much more preferable to the stillness at home.

i let myself be absorbed into the sea of students, happy to let myself be jostled and forgotten, a part of the crowd.

and then i saw two people standing by the door, unmoving. one was turned towards the other, mouth moving at a furious pace, while the other looked contrite.

nick and matt. i tilted my head as i walked up to them.

"tell her," nick said, expression darker than i had ever seen it. matt rolled his eyes, but deflated and then looked at me, disdain clear in his eyes.

"i'm sorry for what i said yesterday. and i shouldn't have touched you." he said it almost robotically, like he was repeating something that had just been said. and judging by the way nick rolled his eyes and sighed, i guessed that was what had just happened.

i nodded, pushing down the urge to pick a fight with his blatantly insincere words. he walked into the school without any further comment.  nick and i stood in silence.

"i didn't hear what he said when i was standing in the doorway, but when i saw your expression i knew that it couldn't have been anything good. he's never...i've never seen him like that before. i don't know what's going on with him, but you don't deserve to have it be taken out on you. i'm sorry for what he's done."

i hummed. while i had been more in disbelief than actually hurt, i appreciated the passion in nick's words. i motioned to walk into school, and nick fell into step beside me, our paces matching easily.

when homeroom came around, nobody lifted their eyes to look at me, which was almost worse. i had been cast aside. i was officially not part of the group, a flaw in the system. cold crept down my neck in a sickly flush as a throb started to pump in my chest.

sarah didn't greet me, didn't gossip or giggle or complain about homework. i was accustomed to so many different kinds of silence. but the void, the complete opposite of noise that came from her was unnerving, and i felt bile prick at my throat. a sheen came over my eyes, and coupled with the pain and cold, i thought i would shut down right in my seat.

but i got through it, somehow. and when nick sat by me in the next class and gave me a sympathetic look that told me he understood everything, all that escaped me was a shaky exhale before i put my head in my hands.

"just breathe." nick murmured to me, and i couldn't help a chuckle from escaping. it felt like i had been struggling to breathe for a while now, trying to seem natural, organic, part of a mass, in with the crowd. and now that i wasn't, i was decimated.

i should be mad at them. they came in here, talked to me, openly disregarded the rule everyone else follows, and take me down with them? i should be furious.

but i felt myself leaning into nick's touch when he put a hand on my upper back. it wasn't their fault, nor was it mine exactly. it just was. i lifted my head, feeling a slight numbing buzz where the fabric of my jacket had chafed against my forehead.

"it sucks." i stated plainly and nick barked out a laugh before slapping his hand to his mouth.

"yeah, but we'll be out of your hair soon enough." he sobered quickly and closed his eyes, and i felt awful for reacting the way i had.

"yeah, but i don't mind you being here for now."

and when he smiled at me, i forgot about my social banishment, if only for a moment.