UNTIL I FOUND YOU , sturniolo triplets !

the 1 , matt

❝ for me to stop crying when i look at all the pictures, now i kinda smile; i haven't felt that in a while . . .
memories, conan gray

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cw: none
! angst (?) not rly
i love writing matt angst

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"but mommy, i don't understand," your four year-old son says to you, sitting on your knee. "i thought you love daddy."

"oh, sweetheart, i do," you reply, smiling at the innocence of the child. "i'm in love with your father. but there are others i love, too. others from my past."

"is he one of them, then?" he says, pointing to a picture in the scrapbook you two had been looking at. it's an aged, candid polaroid picture of seventeen year-old you and an eighteen year-old brunet standing next to you. you both are smiling almost too wide, but it isn't too wide, because it's genuine. you're laughing at something he said, and his eyes hold a love for you that had beat so strong you can feel it through the paper. your lips curl into a sad, but real, smile.

"yes, baby. he is one of them."

"do you love him like you love daddy?"

"no, love. i could never love anyone like i love your dad. the love i had for this man was different... just as strong, but different."

your son nods, but you can tell he's still struggling to understand. you rack your brain for a way to explain to him who matt was.

you look back at the picture, and allow yourself to reminisce on the memory captured by the camera. you close your eyes and let the memory overwhelm you, reliving the moment as if the trees in the background of the polaroid are surrounding you now, and the snow packed on the ground is falling and resting delicately on your head.

"you're an idiot, matthew," you said, pushing the brunet away from you, laughing.

"oh, my full name, i'm so scared," matt replied, lifting you off your feet and spinning you around a bit. you screamed and giggled, kicking your feet in the air as you twirled like broken, redundant ballet dancers in a music box.

it was december 29th, christmas time. the leaves of the trees around you were decorated with snow and your nose was dusted pink from the cold.

matt's brothers, nick and chris, had joined you and matt out to dinner on the outskirts of town, and now that the meal was finished, you had taken a walk along the nature trail near the restaurant. they could tell they were third-wheeling what was a very domestic and peaceful moment between the two of you, but they knew you'd want to look back on it. so, nick pulled out the polaroid camera you'd given him for christmas, and he snapped a picture of the two of you as matt rested you back down on your feet.

you and matt continued laughing at nothing as the world around you went quiet, until you could hear nothing but the joy radiating from him. your hands made their way up to his hair, tangling in the curls as you pulled his head down to meet yours. you connected your lips gently, and you could feel matt smile into the kiss. when you split apart, he smiled down at you with a toothy grin that caused your stomach to do backflips. "i love you, y/n," he said, kissing the tip of your nose. his lips were warm, and it left your cold skin prickling.

"i love you more, matty," you said, and you could never imagine a time where you wouldn't love matt more.

you sigh at the immaturity of your youth as you return to the present moment, your son still looking at you, confused. you, of course, are extremely happy with your life now. you wouldn't have it any other way. if anything had changed, you wouldn't have your son, or your husband, or any part of the life you have now.

but you can't help what wonder what it might be like if you had done something, anything, different. if you had stayed, and if matt had followed when you left.

but you look at the scrapbook and smile, smile because you remember. you remember how it felt to be in love with matthew sturniolo, and it was a wonderful, ethereal feeling that would never compare to anything you might feel again. you remember how his eyes glistened like stars in a night sky, and you remember how he laughed when he cried because he could never take himself seriously, and you remember how he'd hold you when you'd cry because you were the one thing he did take seriously. you remember how it felt for his arms to be wrapped around you, you remember the warmth and the joy and the love. you remember everything.

you smile, because you remember. you smile, because how could you be sad over something that once brought you so much joy? you smile, because you question if anything else will ever be able to make you smile like matt did.

and then you lock eyes with the four year-old on your lap, his hair falling into his eyes and his lips curled with confusion.

you've proven yourself wrong. your source of joy is right here.

"do you know how much i love you, matthew?" you ask, and the boy grins, his two front teeth missing, and any remaining thoughts about the picture of his mom with someone who wasn't daddy dissipated.

"this much?" he asks, spreading his arms out as wide as they can go.

you shake your head. "even bigger."

he looks at you, eyes wide. "that's a lot."

you nod. "it is a lot."

he lays his head on your chest, and you rock back and forth slowly.

you don't want anything to be different. you don't want anything to change.

but if one thing had been different, would everything be different today?

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a/n
i'm running out of ideas quickly, if you couldn't tell. this was thrown together at 11:30 pm on a sunday. easter, in fact! in order to write this, i scraped the bottom of the barrel that is my brain. so, i'm desperate for ideas. pls pm me or comment if you have any ideas or requests. at this point i'll write anything.

catch the taylor swift lyric at the end. & THANK U for 8k reads... wtf... ily...

sick and tired of the lack of non-magical wolfstar aus. (i'm sure there are plenty, but i'm searching for a reason to write one, so bear with me). i'll continue to scrape the bottom of my barrel brain for wolfstar book ideas!

anyways, that's all. sorry for a long authors note. i love angst that isn't really angst. k bye for now! (ariana grande xoxo).