that day ashton took me to a nice cafe for lunch, and then i got a few new shirts. mostly black. ash told me all about how he recently eloped with his "beautiful wife" and he was so happy talking about her. he's 26 years old and his wife is a year older. i'm kind of hoping i can be an uncle one day, that would be really cool honestly.
ashton said goodbye to me at the door and i hugged him one last time before he left. after i shut the door michael was in the bathroom and i could hear the blow dryer going. {i know dorms don't usually have bathrooms but michaels dad is the dean so lets just say they got a really nice dorm ok I'm just going along with what i know and slightly making it up}
"michael! im back!" i yell loud enough for him to hear me over the blow dryer.
soon about 5 minutes later he emerges and his hair is now blue. a really nice blue. my eyes widen and he smiles, body language saying 'what do you think?'.
"your hair!" i point in astonishment. i knew his hair was blue before meaning he's dyed it before but does he dye it this often? "michael how long had your hair been pink before?"
he pauses to think. "a couple weeks." only a couple weeks?
"how often do you dye your hair usually?" he shrugs.
"about two weeks to a month." that's actually pretty fucking cool if i might say so myself. i nod in approval while hanging up my jacket.
---
later that night michael invited me to watch movies on his laptop with him because my anxiety level was spiking.
"luke, man come over here we're gonna watch a movie because you won't stop pacing and we're friends, but it's annoying as hell." only then do i realize i've been pacing.
"m' sorry i'm just terrified." i say. he gestures for me to come over so i do. he wraps his arm around my shoulder when i sit on the side of the bed and pulls me close to him. he places a kiss on my temple and just holds me there.
i feel safe in his arms. my heart rate increases and i'm hoping it's just my anxiety about classes tomorrow. i can't like michael... more or less he can't like me, he never would.
even if i did like him, what would be the point? i'm not good enough for him. i wouldn't be able to give him everything a cis-male wants.
michael shifts into a more comfortable position and pulls me even closer to him. i try and relax and soon after his breathing matches with mine and i'm calm. i could definitely stay like this, for as long as he'll let me.
---
i open my eyes to the darkened screen and the hum of mike's laptop. slowly i close the screen and set the laptop aside. i look over to the clock on the night table before going to sit up and go to my own bed.
as i try to sit up, the arms that were wrapped around me tighten, preventing me from moving. "stay." he mumbles. he looks up at me.
"i... do-" he cuts me off by pressing his lips to mine. his hand travels to the side of my neck and i have no idea what to do, so i sit there absolutely clueless. in some time i figure out that maybe i should kiss back, however i do that. maybe i just... push back. yeah let's try that. when i... push back?? i feel better than i ever have. they say your first kiss is pretty horrible, and it is horrible because i don't know how, but it feels amazing.
michael pulls away and chuckles deeply. he looked me in the eyes after resting his forehead on mine.
"that was your first wasn't it?" michael asked me. i nod, slightly embarrassed. "well then i'm glad i got the honour of being your first kiss." when he tells me that i find it hard not to smile.
the two of us kind of just sit there, before michael raises my chin so my eyes meet his.
"stay with me now?"
"yes." i simply answer. he leans into my lips again, this time a little better than the last before he pulls me down and eventually we fall asleep.
---
when the morning comes i'm extremely tired but i've never slept better. i remember what happened with michael and i last night and i smile, a genuine smile.
i hear the blue headed boy groan in exhaustion to the sound of his alarm, he has his classes earlier than mine, which start in the afternoon.
i feel him press his lips to my cheek before hopping out of bed and running off to the bathroom to get ready. by the time he makes it out of the bathroom, dressed and ready to walk out the door, i'm standing there, still in the clothes i wore yesterday before watching a movie with michael and falling asleep.
"i better be off, ill see you around supper time so we can get something to eat right? oh and don't forget to eat lunch." he speaks to me as if he was a concerned mother. michael takes long strides towards me and looks in my eyes.
he kisses me quickly before rushing out the door and i am left alone with my thoughts. immedietly after michaels departure i stumble over to my bed and plop down. i decide to text ashton.
luke: michael kissed me last night.
ash: holy shit, are you okay? did he force himself on you? do i need to kick his ass?
luke: omg no ashton chill, i liked it, i didnt really know how but i kissed back
ash: aww my little brother's growing up ! be safe man, don't do something you'll regret and if you need any advice as to, ya know, where to go from here just let me know yeah?
luke: yeah actually im gonna take you up on that now
ash: oh alright, what exactly do you wanna know?
luke: i dont know how to act around him, he kissed me before he left and he told me he was glad that he was my first kiss, i dont know if i like him, or if he likes me. im just confused i guess ??
ash: well little man, ask him. ask him if he likes you. from what ive heard i dont think he would kiss you at night and not regret it in the morning if he didnt like you. so it kinda sounds like he does, but the real question you have to ask yourself is do you like him?
luke: yeah i get what you're saying, thanks ash.
ash: no problem, anything else just holla
luke: ashton you're 26 ok you cant say holla you're not cool
ash: :((((
luke: accept it dude
ash: fight me
luke: no bc id lose
ash: exactly so quiet about my age and "fyi" i am cool okay
luke: pf
ash: haha ok im done now, ill talk to you later man, good luck with your classes !!
luke: thank you! talk to you later
i felt better after my conversation with ashton. before i was confused, i still am, but now i'm just a little less confused. this is all new to me, no one ever really wanted to "kiss" or "date" me all through my life and i never wanted to really do so either. but now its different, michael is the only person i've ever really lowkey wanted to "date" and its not like i'm an expert. mostly what i'm scared of is rejection when i tell him i'm transgender.
it's really quite sad honestly. the way that i have been made to be scared absolutely shitless of rejection all because of who i am. also, it shouldn't be a choice whether or not people accept me. hell, i shouldn't even have to "come out". but yet the minds of society have been poisoned with the idea that any person of the lgbt community is lower than any heterosexual cis gender human. theres my key word. human. being transgender and also bisexual does not downgrade me as a human fucking being. therefor, tonight i shall talk to michael, ask him if he likes me, and tell him i am transgender.
if only it were that easy for me.
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a/n
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all this zaughty vs. louis drama makes me sad and kinda mad with zayn hbu
YOU ARE READING
transgender ♀♂ muke
Fanfictionluke hemmings has a secret, he doesn't tell very many people. but i guess michael clifford got lucky.
