Accolade

chapitre trente et un

My gaze slid to the person right beside him. Auden had been pacing, I knew that much from how disheveled his hair was from running his hand through it, but he came to the bedside as soon as I opened my eyes. He reached out to gently touch my cheek and then his thumb wiped away the tears. "Hello, Little Aida," He whispered, his voice raw and seconds away from cracking with his giant heart, "You made it back to us." 

I tried to smile but heaviness sat upon me so he gave me one of his own. Small and trembling, but his smile was exchanged for a heartbeat of affection. I would have hugged him if my arms didn't feel like they weighed a thousand pounds, my bones iron beneath my paper flesh. 

I felt a presence on the other side of my bed. His shadow loomed over me, I doubt it had left once even when the night stole away any evidence of shadows. I weakly turned my head to greet him. Warren had both hands braced on the side rail, his muscles tense. Ink crawled up his bare forearms, his white t-shirt a stark contrast to the tattoos that seemingly brought the shadows to life until they breathed upon his tan skin. 

His expression was grave until he blinked and it betrayed his emotions. 

It took so much effort to lift my other hand. There were two IVs in that hand, lines trapping me in this hospital bed, as I could never leave the only source of life they gave me. Fighting my pain for me and giving nutrition to my body. My fingers trembled with the effort to try and touch the top of Warren's hand. 

But right before my strength gave out, his large hand caught my shaking one. I looked down in surprise before meeting his gaze again. I couldn't exactly control my body right in that moment but his hand squeezed mine and he understood what I told him in the only way I could. 

Don't let go. 

x 

The questions came and they went. 

I couldn't stop myself from slipping in between consciousness. Sometimes, I didn't know when I fell asleep. I would wake up disorientated hours later and I knew that time had passed because the sun rose and fell over the city, casting shadows and growing shadows in this lonely hospital room. But every time I came to, all three of them were there. 

Few words were exchanged but there didn't need to be. 

Actions always spoke louder. 

When I opened my eyes for a time I'd lost count of, I only saw River. He stood at the window, facing away from me. His clothes were the same as they had been every time I woke. His eyes were bloodshot sometimes, dark circles taking home under his bright eyes. But even now, his eyes didn't seem so bright. They were dull and heavy with grief. 

I was responsible for suffocating him. 

"R-river?" I croaked. 

He immediately turned, blinking away the emotion that had welled in his eyes as I knew he wasn't seeing anything beyond that window but a future of grief. He came to my side. "Aida, I didn't realize you were awake. How do you feel?" 

Truth was, there was this aching pain. It woke me more frequently now. "I'm okay," I whispered, "Where did Warren and Auden go?" 

"I forced Warren to get food and Auden is talking to Dr. Welch." 

"Why?" 

His thumb reached out and rubbed my cheekbone. "Don't worry about it, brave girl. You should focus on getting better."

"How long has it been?"

He exhaled. "Almost five days. They kept you sedated the first three after the surgery--" 

"Surgery?" I echoed, cutting him off in alarm. 

He nodded. "They weighed the options and decided that placing a rod could help the bone. When you recover, you can walk again." 

"So... my leg was truly broken?" I licked my dry lips, anxious suddenly with the news. "That's what happened?" 

"Yes, and they considered not doing the surgery, but it would have..." He stopped, suddenly, unwilling to admit the truth to me. 

"I'd be a cripple." 

"But the surgery went well," He continued, "There weren't any complications." 

"But what about the cancer? Won't it just keep eating my bones?" 

I knew that my question elicited a truth he didn't want to admit to me yet. They knew something that I didn't. I knew it in the way he looked away. River never looked away first. He knew I would see it in his eyes but I saw it in the tightening of his jaw, the painful swallow, and the bob of his adam's apple. That's why Auden was talking to Dr. Welch. 

And suddenly, I didn't want to know. So I didn't ask. 

Silence yawned between us. 

I hated it. 

"Will you...will you please stay with me?"

"Of course," River nodded and met my gaze again. He went to pull the hospital chair to my bedside--since he had been crouched since I'd woken up--but I was quickly shaking my head.

"Can I please hug you?" I asked with the most sincerity I could muster. The hospital bed was too big for me and I felt all too small right then. "I want to hold onto something... real. And I don't want to think about anything else."

River regarded me with indecipherable eyes. It was then I realized he was trying to read me and I was painfully aware that I was numb. There was nothing in my eyes and I didn't need a mirror to see it. He was still, almost too still, and I felt my stomach lurch. Maybe I had asked too much.

I glanced down at my hands and then I heard River moving. I looked back up, and he was kicking off his shoes. He didn't say a word as he carefully crawled onto the hospital bed with me.

I shifted to make room for him until I nearly cried out from the pain that rose when I tried to move my own leg. His arms slipped around me within the blink of an eye and he easily pulled me against his chest.

My arms were tucked against my own chest and his. I could practically feel his heartbeat with my trembling fingers.

I stayed like that for a moment. I savored the peace it gave me until I had only one thought.

I gently pulled my arms loose and wiped away the tears on my cheeks before I reached up to trace my fingers along River's jaw. His jaw had been clenched but the muscles softened as he acknowledged me, and I asked, "Are you okay?"

His stormy eyes met mine. "Am I okay?" He asked in disbelief, his voice cracking, "Aida, you just suffered a broken leg. You shouldn't be asking if I'm okay, I'm more worried about you."

I licked my lips again, "But are you?"

He paused for a long moment, contemplating my question, and then he sighed, "No, Aida, I'm not."

I laid my head on his chest and I mumbled, "Me either," I felt more tears collecting from the throbbing agony within my heart and I closed my eyes, "It hurts a lot, River."

His arms tightened around me, "I know, baby, and I'm so sorry." He placed a soft kiss against my hair and then rested his cheek on top of my head, "I'm so sorry."

"It's not your fault."

Fate was the cruelest of all.

☼ ☼ ☼

I don't even know what to say.

I make myself cry when I write anything for this book.