Accolade

chapitre vingt

I saw her moving on... without me. 

I didn't realize Auden hadn't let go of my hand until he squeezed it. I only realized tears obscured my vision when I tried to look at him. I saw Warren observing me and River rubbing a hand over his jaw. How long had they been watching me?

Auden's jaw briefly clenched and he seemingly made his decision. 

"Come on," He told me softly, "Let's go home." 

"N-no--"

"Yes, love," He grasped my hand more firmly and stood, easily pulling me along with him, and effectively drawing the other two to do the same, "This is hurting you and I can't bear to watch it anymore." 

I had wanted to watch. I had asked my brothers if they would accompany me. Against their wishes, we came. Now, I was a mess of emotion because the chances that I would ever be on that stage again were glaringly obvious. If possible, it only made things worse. 

How much worse could things really get for me? 

I had been a prodigy, and when I took the fall, so did my dreams. Everything I had ever worked for since second grade was gone. My career was over. 

Could I ever come to terms with that? 

Auden slipped his arm around me and started guiding my numb body out of the stadium. For the last time, I glanced at Eliana, and as if she sensed it, she looked up. 

It was only brief but I saw it written all over her face. She was glad that this had happened to me because now she was the prodigy. 

How quickly stars fell. 

I turned away, pressing my face into the lapels of Auden's suit jacket. His arm tightened around me and I blindly let him guide me as we walked. I only pulled my face away and opened my eyes when I felt the cool summer night breeze, it was soothing against my hot cheeks. 

We crossed the street and entered the ground level of the parking garage. River and Warren trailed silently behind us the entire way. I could only hear their footsteps as we walked toward River's car. Normally, parking garages freaked me out, but with my three older brothers, I wasn't scared. I knew I was safe. 

The click of my heels echoed in my hollow heart.

Auden opened the passenger door of his car and I slumped into the leather seat. I had clipped the seatbelt before River had even reached the driver's door. Auden and Warren quietly slid into the backseat. Only the sound of closing doors resonated. 

We didn't say anything, and I didn't think I could. If they asked me if I was okay, I'd cry an ocean. 

Everything felt wrong and everything hurt. 

I had been wrong in my choice.

☼ ☼ ☼

I had made it all the way back to my room before I realized I couldn't unzip my dress. After a moment of struggle and frustration, I sighed and left my room once more. I trekked barefoot to find one of them to help me. 

They had all stopped in the kitchen. Their suit jackets were draped over the backs of the chairs. Warren was sitting with his back to me, his shoulders slightly hunched forward as he rested his elbows on the countertop. Auden had his sleeves rolled up as he stood over my kettle on the stovetop, he must be making tea. 

River was the only one who was facing me and his frown slightened when he saw me. He had been leaning against the far counter, his forefinger and thumb hooked on his chin, but he slowly stood and walked towards me. "Need help?" He asked, and the other two turned at the sound of his voice. Their eyes settled on me. 

I wonder what they saw. 

Because when I looked in the mirror, I didn't see Aida. 

I saw a stranger. 

And that didn't change when I washed off the makeup. 

I felt my skin bristle, if that were possible, because their gazes were full of everything I didn't want nor need. They were treating me like a fragile doll that would as soon break the moment they spoke. 

"Yes," I cracked my lips, whispering, even when River stood before me. 

He nodded and I turned around, pulling my hair over my shoulder. 

"Aida," Auden called to me, "Would you like some tea?" 

My first instinct was to say no, and tell them that I needed to be alone. Even though the truth was that I didn't know what I needed. I thought I had known before we went to Broadway but then I had gotten there and promptly lost it. I was so confused, and helplessly lost, that I didn't know how to help myself. 

When River was done unzipping my dress, I turned back around. I couldn't tell Auden what I wanted, so I said, "Yes, please." 

I left the kitchen after uttering a thank you to River and went back to my room to change into oversized lounge clothes. I tied my hair back, scrubbed off my makeup, stared at the strange girl in the mirror, and then headed back downstairs. 

I slid into a seat next to Warren with a sigh. They didn't have to speak because I already knew, and I said, "You guys were right." 

"About?" Auden asked. 

"About tonight," I choked slightly and pressed the heels of my palms into my eyes when I felt the tears coming. I was so sick of crying. "I don't know what I was thinking about going. I thought I'd be okay... but I only feel worse about myself now. I'm sorry I forced you guys to go and ruined the entire night." 

"Hey, now," River said, his tone quiet but an undercurrent of sharp warning lurked, "No one's night was ruined." 

"Actually--"

River's hand shot out faster than the blink of an eye and slapped the back of Warren's head before he could even finish his sentence. "No one," River repeated, and then he looked back at me, "Stop apologizing for everything that isn't your fault, Aida." 

"But--"

"No buts," Auden interrupted by setting a steaming cup of tea in front of me and my shoulders relaxed slightly at the sweet, wafting aroma. "Just relax." 

There was a stretch of silence as I sipped on the tea Auden had made and let the flavor melt on my tastebuds before swallowing. For a moment, I pretended that everything was fine, which I was doing a lot lately, and then I knew that it would never be fine.

"That will never be me again, will it?" I asked almost too quietly. My gaze stayed straight forward but I peripherally saw the three of them shift their attention towards me, and I knew they had heard. I needed to hear someone else say it. Even if it would break me, I wanted them to tell me it was true. 

"You don't know that," Auden said carefully, "Why such negative thoughts?" 

"Will it?" I repeated, my gaze lost. 

They chose silence and that was enough of an answer. 

☼ ☼ ☼

Anyone tear up? Be honest. 

This triple update is my new year's gift to all of you. Thank you for your patience as I try to balance college, work, and clinical... and still try to write these books. I hope 2023 treats all of you well.