Separate ways lead to the same place

Chapter 1

"If you admire the rainbow after the rain, why not love again after the pain."

I found this quote a few days a go and wish I would've found it sooner. The quote speaks of persistence, getting up after you fall, moving on, but also giving life a second chance. That single sentence made me think of all the times I let myself fall after something went wrong. I just simply care too much. I also don't allow myself to get up immediately. It's like I feel like I deserve to get dragged through the mud before I may get up again. The quote made me realise that I was not allowing myself to be loved or cared about after people hurt me. I was always so selfless, always prioritizing others instead of myself. I want to start prioritizing myself, allowing myself to fall in love again after the pain. This was the moment I decided to make some changes in my life and pursue my dreams.

Just kidding. This isn't a fairytail. These changes weren't made in a day. It took so much time! When I read the quote, I printed it and hung it on my inspiration board. It hung there without changing my world for about a month before I was bored enough to start writing a new song and looked at my inspiration board to find the quote again. It made me think all afternoon. When I snapped out of my thoughts, I realised it had been an hour and a half. That night, the decision was made: I would start making all my dreams come true.

As a kid, I learned how to play the guitar and I learned how to sing. Eversince, I've been dreaming of becoming a musician. I wrote many songs over the years, but pushed the dream away as I needed to graduate high school. Then I went to university and 5 years later, I finally graduated. It had been my plan all along: make sure to have a good diploma, then move to a small appartment in London, get a well payed job there and pursue a music career in my free time. A solid plan, as I say so myself.

I graduated a year a go. I realised I could just build a good life here in Eyemouth. I got a well-payed job in town and stayed in my childhood home with my mom. Then she got sick. I decided to stay with her in Eyemouth to take care of her instead of going to London. It has always been just the two of us. My dad died when I was 7 years old and I'm an only child, so I haven't really known anything else than it just being me and my mom. I just can't lose her, I'd be all alone.

Fortunately, she healed. Two weeks a go, the doctors screened her for the last time and told us that she wasn't sick anymore. We had such a rough year! My mom was sick for about 10 months. She couldn't do anything apart from lying in bed and sleeping a little when the painkillers finally worked. She had lost her appetite and was in a lot of pain all the time. It makes me so happy to see her healthy again. She will need to recover from lying in bed so long. All her strength is gone, so she goes to a physiotherapist 4 times a week to get stronger. I can't see any improvement yet, but I know that patience is very important in the healing process.

I notice noise coming from downstairs and frown. Mom should be lying on the couch. I picked her up after she went to the physiotherapist, so I know she is tired and should be resting anyways. Then who is making the noise? I go down the stairs and listen closely, trying to hear where the sound is coming from. I can clearly hear the sound of plates and cutlery coming from the kitchen. When I enter I see my mom doing the dishes. ''Mom, what are you doing?'' I ask, completely thrown off by the sight of my now skinny mother doing something she couldn't do for 10 months. She looks up at me, her pale face lit up with joy:''Isn't it amazing, Ethan? I'm strong enough to do the dishes, which means standing for around 15 minutes while picking up plates and pots. The physiotherapist told me to try this once a week. I never thought doing the dishes would make me so happy!'' My smile widens and I walk towards my mom. ''That's great, mom. Just don't do too much, okay?'' I tell her, engulfing her in a hug. She laughs at my worried reaction and pulls back from the hug. ''Don't worry, Ethan. I'm fine. My recovery is going really well, the physiotherapist is very pleased with my progress. Just let loose a little, Ethan. You've been so stressed, you just need some free time. It's been a tough year!'' Mom looks me in the eyes. Just for a moment, everything turns to how it should be: a mother worrying about her son that hasn't really enjoyed life like he should. The past year, it has been me that did all the worrying. It feels good to have it the old way again, although it's just for a while. I shrug at her idea. ''I can't take a vacation at work now, mom. It's the middle of the year and there is a lot of work that has to be done. I can't just go. But I'll check when I can, okay?'' Mom frowns:''What do you do for work again?'' I smile at her interest. ''I'll make us some tea. Go lie down on the couch and I'll tell you about my job, okay?'' She nods and turns around to go to the living room, slightly shaking her head at my worry. When she has left the kitchen and I'm sure she won't fall or anything, I fill the kettle with water and turn it on to boil the water. I take two mugs out of the cupboard and put a teabag, a spoon and two sugars in each mug. I look at the two pots in the sink. They are clean, but not dry yet, so I occupy myself with drying them and putting them away while the water is boiling. I make the tea and go to the living room after I threw the teabags away, trying not to spill the hot beverage. After sitting down and handing mom the steaming hot mug with tea, I break the silence. ''So, as you know I have loved reading and music all my life, right? Well, I kind of pushed music aside, because it's a really uncertain field of work. So I focused on literature. That's why I chose to study English literature in university. A year and a half a go, I got a job at a company that creates advertisements. So I basically help creating new ways to get people to want to buy something. It's an interesting job that requires a lot of teamwork and creativity. It also pays well, so that's nice.'' My mom listens attentively, then asks:''You said you put music aside, so you didn't give up on that dream?'' I shake my head:''No, it has always been a big dream of mine. My plan was to get a good degree, a well-payed job, move to London, live in a tiny appartment that I would renovate myself, live a very simple life while earning a good amount of money. I would keep music in my free time until I had enough savings to take the risk and start a career. That has always been the plan, but after graduation and starting my job, I realised I don't need to go to London to become happy. I also don't want to leave you alone and...'' ''Go.'' ''What?'' ''Go to London. Ethan, you never go to parties, never go away with friends except for vacations, never waste money, never drink alcohol, have never smoked, never treated others disrespectfully, you always had good grades in school. You haven't explored anything outside Eyemouth! You are young and you are capable of so much! You should go to London and start your own life there. I'm sure a little bit of adventure will give you so much happiness, because you just need a fresh start. Maybe you'll even meet someone in London and give me grandchildren! It's a win win situation!'' ''Mom!'' I groan and cover my face with my hands. The idea does look appealing, but I don't know, something tells me not to go. ''I can't leave you alone here! You're recovering! You can't do that much yet and I'd feel more comfortable knowing you're safe and okay,'' I argue, not seeing why she's even thinking about living alone while she isn't ready yet to do everything by herself. It would only put her in danger. ''I understand your worry, I also think it's too early for me to live alone. But when it's time, you just need to start putting yourself before others, explore the world, find new friends, search for love, I don't care what you do, but you really need to start caring for yourself as much as you do for others. Look, you are such a selfless person, it's time to give yourself credit for that. Let's make a deal, okay? When I recovered enough so I don't have to go to physiotherapy anymore, you go to London and do exactly what you want, okay?'' She looks directly in my eyes, letting me know she means it. I nod and smile softly. She hugs me tight, kissing the spot where my hairline starts, as she always does. A warm feeling spreads through my body as she does the for others meaningless gesture. When I was a little kid, she used to do that and whisper:''I'll always be there for you, whenever you need me. I love you.'' Over the years, she stopped whispering it and just kissed that same exact spot, knowing that I understood exactly what she meant by the gesture. I pull back and sip my tea, enjoying the warm drink with the subtle flavour.

That night, I feel like I can't sleep at all. I decide I'm going to take a midnight walk, as it always calms me down and helps me relax. There's just something about the night air and the blanket of stars that makes me feel at peace, I can't describe it, it's just amazing. These midnight walks give me all the energy and inspiration I need in life. It also has this magical side to it. If I ever take a girl on a date, I'll take her on a midnight picknick after we watched a movie with popcorn under a blanket. I don't know if I'll ever be comfortable enough around girls to even talk to one. I know, it's pretty childish for a 23-year-old man to be too shy to even talk to women, but I can't do anything about it. I've had one girlfriend in my life and that was when I was 6 until I was 11 years old. I don't seem to be able to act normal, read not nervous and weird, when I'm with a girl. I just believe that I'll be able to talk to girls when fate thinks I'm ready. Or when I meet a girl under the stars. It would just give me confidence, because I feel so good and calm under the night sky. Well, I'll never know if I never meet a girl at midnight, which hasn't occured up until now, since most people are asleep around this time of night. I shake my head at my thoughts, I don't need a girl in my life to be succesful and happy. My thoughts go back to the conversation with mom this afternoon. I'm not sure about going to London, although it's the place I've never been to, but already feel at home. It has always been my dream to go there and live there, it just seems so alive, totally the opposite of Eyemouth, it's not crazy busy here at all. I don't know what's holding me back from going except for my mom, though. It just feels like a big step. Going to London has always been a dream, something out of reach. Now that mom made it seem like something very realistic and closeby, it feels scary to actually do it. I sigh, deciding that I can sleep on it as mom has a long recovery left to go through. I slowly stroll back home and got into my warm bed, closing my eyes as sleep washes over me.

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Hope you enjoyed this chapter!

xxxDieuwke

Word count: 2153