Home. (L.N.)

39. Returning

The next Day
It feels like years sitting there for hours and hours. Because of covid it's just allowed to stay in this room with all of her belongings. It even smells like her a little in here besides this typical hospital scene of the mix from chemicals. My eyes are fixed on the drops of rain running down the window while I sit here and wait for her to return. Over the last days I really started to hate rain. I just wished I could've been there for him yesterday. The devastation was heartbreaking and even Liv understood the whole thing. And this bloody rain is still going falling down the sky. Normally it would just be a phenomenon that causes cozy moments but it has a dangerous side to it. It didn't bring much luck lately to the persons close to me. I just pray today it will be different. This sickness in my stomach of not knowing if she is alright let's the anxiety rise up in my chest. My aching body welcomes my decision to get up from chair I am sitting in for hours staring outside. In the far I can spot the Big Ben behind dark clouds and tons of rain. This typical symbol of my hometown brings back good memories of myself, Liv and our mum when we first arrived here. It's been the second day after leaving the Netherlands when she showed us around Central London. The Buckingham Palace, the beautiful St James Park and to end the day we had candied Almonds by the Big Ben looking from the London Bridge over the Themse. I knew back then some things are about to change. Our mum was always there for us and pushed us to the best humans we could be. No challenge was big enough. But even my mum, the strongest woman, lost one fight and one fight only. It's been the only one that I prayed she would win. All others didn't even matter half as much. My sister inharited her eyes and the good in them. They always told me I look exactly like our dad. But I always wanted to be this woman who brought us up and worked so incredibly hard so she could provide us with the most she could afford. That's why I was always jealous of Livs eyes and often when she looks at me I could see a glimpse of our mum. When she passed she left us enough so we could start a life independently even if we were so young, me in particular. It feels like yesterday when my sister sang in an empty church in the middle of Essex in this tiny village. The voice of an angel filled the church with so much pain. I still can feel the pain of my hands holding on to the wooden banks while listening. But whatever physical pain I felt was nothing in comparison what my pain was in my heart. Our mother was gone. We don't have nobody but us anymore.

No heaven couldn't wait for you, oh
Heaven couldn't wait for you
So go on, go home

Liv sank down to her knees burying her face in the hands. The tears haven't dried in days and they probably would never. The last time I laughed or even smiled seemed so sinfull so unnecessary. I stepped out of the shadow and the sounds on this old floor echo in the house of God when I make my way over to my sister. She broke down after finishing her goodbye song for our mother. It's a tradition that had been going on for centuries in our family as our mother taught us. Every wife or husband would sing for their partner when they leave before them and as the oldest daughter it was Livs duty to sing for our mother since she sang for our father. When I see her sobbing on the floor I realize that I would sing for her at one point if she wouldn't get married or have kids. It's a memory so present and painful in my mind, a tear runs down my face. I am not ready to sing for her yet. She is too young to leave, so much more is ahead of her. Liv will come out of this operation with the news they could remove it all and she would recover fully from this evil. A knock on the door let's my head spin around. The doctor steps in with his white coat on by his side a nurse who looks so young. She is not older then 19 and probably just finished nursing school. My attention should lay on the doctor with her short brown hair and these hideous glasses, but this nurses behavior tells me everything I need to know. She can't even look me in my eyes. It's like a mist of grey and sadness that sets over me. My heart feels so heavy and puts so much pressure on my body that it's nearly impossible to breath. With everytime my chest rises it burns like hell, but this is nothing compared to the rest of my body which is in flames. I tumble back as I could escape reality but there is just the window behind me from where I can see the places I associate with happy memories if I just turn around. They seem to be so far away. My head shakes in disbelief while I try to get a hold on anything close to me. I feel like collapsing under this pain since I see the world spinning around and my knees go weak. "Mrs Winter" the doctor says with a soft voice. I can't even see her through all this water in my eyes. "Unfortunately there has been complications during the surgery. We did what was within our greatest power but we couldn't safe her. I am sorry but your sister is dead." I gasp for air while my knees are finally not able anymore to carry my body. Leaned against the window I sink down to the floor. It should have been me. It's not fair to her. My shaking hands wander up to my neck and grab the rose on the end of my necklace. In the far I hear the clock of the Big Bin chiming. I am alone now.

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I

t's been a while since I updated. And honestly this chapter was tough to write. Not only because of all these dark turns and emotions but also I am loosing the confidence in this story. I feel like I am just putting it out there and it just not gets recognized in the way I would love to. It's really challenging. So maybe I just need to take a little break and find my strength again. Xxx