What the Water Gave Me

Chapter Forty-Four

They spent the rest of the day close together and Steve watched Bucky carefully test each boundary, seeing how close he could come before Steve scooted away and how many kisses he could ask for before Steve said no.

Steve let him give probably too many kisses, but refused when he asked for a kiss on the lips. Bucky was still elated.

"Can I kiss your cheek again?" Bucky would ask and Steve would say yes. And Bucky would kiss him there. Then, Bucky would hold up his hand in one hand and his whiteboard in the other and ask, "can I kiss your fingers?" And Steve would say yes and Bucky would grin and kiss each of his knuckles and scoot forward.

"Can I kiss your shoulders?"

"Can I kiss your nose?"

"Can I kiss your forehead?"

"Can I kiss your palms?"

While Bucky's head was bent over each of Steve's overturned hands, pressing his lips gently to the skin there, Steve let himself grin far too giddily and only stopped when Bucky looked up again. Then, instead of asking politely for another kiss, Bucky wrote something else and Steve felt like he'd been verbally punched in the gut.

"It's just like when you were human," Bucky wrote excitedly. "We're finally friends again and Steve, you're just the same. Now we can finally be together!" Steve stared a little. Human?? They were going to talk about humans??

"I still think you're out of your mind," Steve replied and rolled his eyes, trying not to show how much he'd been phased. "You must have dreamed up this human junk." Bucky's expression fell. He leaned over his board and scribbled fiercely.

"I didn't!" He wrote. "It really happened!"

"Stop it, no it didn't," Steve argued back, staring to get angry. "Just quit talking about it, like it would even matter if it did happen." Bucky took a breath and scowled.

"It does matter," he wrote.

"Change the subject, Bucky," Steve demanded.

"No," Bucky challenged back and now frustrated, Steve threw his board and marker down on the sand and looked away. His marker floated upwards in the water until he grabbed it and shoved it down into the sand. "Steve," Bucky wrote. "Don't do this. Talk to me."

Steve hated the fixation Bucky had with this idea that they were human. It was stupid. It didn't make sense. And honestly, it scared him and he didn't want to think about it. Every time Bucky brought it up, he felt sick. He didn't like the idea that he'd had a whole other life that he couldn't remember. He didn't like the idea that he might have been a different person, that he might have changed. It sounded dumb, but change was scary and this wild notion, well, it wasn't exactly a comfortable thought.

The longer Steve spent with Bucky, the more a different fear grew in him as well. If Bucky had loved a human him, well, what if that was all he loved? Was that the entire basis of their relationship? Was that all this was? Bucky wanting something he used to have?

Steve didn't usually think he had to worry about Bucky liking him. After all, the problem was ordinarily that Bucky liked him too much, but as Steve began to retaliate the feelings, just a little, much as he was loathe to admit it, he didn't want to think that all Bucky liked him for was a person he was in the past.

Stop talking about a different me! He wanted to shout at Bucky. If you're going to love me, then stop obsessing about what was and love what you see right now!! Right here! It's all you get so learn to like it!

Bucky was writing more and more frantically as Steve thought these things, trying to get Steve to respond to him again, and finally, Steve glared over at him. He was ready to talk. No, he was ready to scream.

Steve pushed himself up and swam for the surface where he could get a breath of air and scream himself hoarse right in Bucky's face and Bucky followed, significantly faster, as usual. When Steve broke out into the open air, he sucked in a breath and threw his head back and slicked his hair out of his face. Bucky swam in front of him, looking at him expectantly, and Steve glared.

"Stop!!" He yelled. His voice sounded too loud and yet not loud enough over the entire ocean. Bucky flinched at the sound. "Stop talking about him, this human guy, like he's some sort of damn ideal, alright??"

Bucky ducked under water just low enough to be able to use both hands to write and then held his board up.

"But you are pretty ideal, Steve," he'd written and he tried to smile lightheartedly at Steve, but Steve wasn't having it.

"I mean it," he growled. "I don't wanna hear about this guy anymore, got it??"

"But why??" Bucky responded and Steve frowned at him.

"Because he's dead, Bucky!" Steve yelled and Bucky winced again. He bit down on his bottom lip and Steve could see the tips of each razored tooth. "He died! And he's gone!"

Bucky seemed to be at a loss for words. He looked down at his whiteboard and back up again silently. His eyes were starting to water. He looked like he'd been hit.

Steve stared back at him and then threw his hands down, slapping the water. He blinked ocean water out of his eyes.

"Do you love me or not, Bucky?" Steve demanded and Bucky took in a shuddering breath. He scribbled on his board.

"I love you so much," he'd written.

"Then stop," Steve said. He blinked again, cursing the water. He slicked his hair back again and let out a breath and rubbed his eyes. He lowered his voice. "Stop. Love me, okay? Me. Not him. Me."

Bucky stared at him for a while and Steve tried to swallow back a lump in his throat, but damn it, there was more saltwater in his eyes and the harder he blinked, the worse it got. He was very angry with himself. Water was streaming down his cheeks.

Bucky came closer after a while and Steve crossed his arms angrily.

"Never mind," he said spitefully after a minute, trying to control his wobbling voice. "Forget I said anything. I don't care."

"Does it make you feel better if I do this?" Bucky asked and Steve glared at him.

"Do what?" He said. Bucky took another moment to write everything out.

"I know you're not human. I don't expect you to be human and I love you like this. I like you as a merman. I love you more than anything. You means gills and tail and all," he wrote. Steve blinked at the words and swallowed and Bucky looked at him.

After a minute, he wrote more. "I should have known how you felt, Steve. I completely understand, I felt that way, too." Steve scoffed.

"Oh, really?" He said, rolling his eyes. "Your perfect human Steve hurt you once?"

"He hurt me a lot," Bucky responded far too solemnly and far too quickly. Steve took another breath.

"I thought you said you loved this guy," he said.

"I did. I do. I love you with all my heart, but we had our ups and downs. We weren't perfect," Bucky said and Steve looked at him, concerned.

"What happened," he said quietly and Bucky hesitated in responded. He used his underwater hand to rub the ink away, even though he knew it would get into his hand and dye the water there black. He wrote again.

"You would rather hide from your feelings," he explained. "Than face them. And that hurt us a lot. And it took you a long time to accept that I wasn't human anymore. It made me feel bad. I don't want to do that to you."

Steve was now the one speechless. He looked at Bucky and rubbed at his wet cheeks.

"Oh," he said quietly.

"It's okay," Bucky continued. "I just don't want you to feel bad. That's all."

"Well...," Steve said and didn't finish.

"I won't bring up humans again if you don't want me to," Bucky added quietly and Steve looked at him and nodded a little. Then, "Can I have a hug?" Bucky asked.

"Yeah," Steve said.