They Just Don't Understand

I Can't Take It Anymore...

How long has it been since I didn't have to worry? That I didn't have a mask I was hiding behind? How long has it been since I've been HAPPY for more than 24 hours?!

I want to smile and laugh without thinking about all the sad and stressful things going on. No one notices the mask I hide  behind.

No one really understands why I can't take it. All my escapes are gone. Slowly becoming nothing. I no longer have someone to run to that I trusted with my life. I don't have a safe haven, I must deal with another person being in there almost 24/7. I no longer have my other worldly escape, my books, my mom packed them up and lost them. 

I wish I could just scream and cry and breakdown, but that would let them win. Everything I've been standing up against will win. I can't breakdown cause I would fail so many people in doing so. I need to be strong and brave and be able to keep going.

I want to scream at the top of my lungs, until my throat gives up. I need to cry and let it all out. I need my release. I need to get all these emotions out. I can't though. I can't just cry. Someone is always watching and I don't want them to see me as week. I want people to see me as the strong, confident person I wish I was. 

I'm helping so many people that I can't just breakdown, that would effect them too. I need to be strong for them too.

I can't lean on someone, that would make me weak. I need to be strong. I need to be brave enough to face these demons I fight on my own. It is no ones burden but my own. 

Some people don't realize why I write whenever I have the chance. It's my emotional release when I have nothing else. When I have no one and nothing to turn to I write. Sometimes, most of the time, my writing reflects my mood, or what is going on in my life. But sometimes, I want to write something happy, so maybe if I'm lucky It will turn my feelings around.

I just want to be HAPPY agian. I don't want my smile and laugh to be something fake that no one takes the time to look past. That girl you see in front of you smiling and laughing, yeah, look at her eyes. She is hurting inside, and she wishes, hopes that someone will come to her rescue. No one looks past the mask though, she is left to suffer in silence so that no one is burdened with her problems.

She just wants someone to see HER! She wants... needs someone to look and see who she really is. To look between the lines and see what is really going on.

She tries not to show it but she can't help but let little hints slip, no one notices. They just smile and agree. They think they understand. They think they are helping. They aren't. 

They make her feel even more alone than she was before. No one notices or cares. She is ALONE! 

All she wants is to feel free. All she wants is to feel brave. All she wants is to feel needed and wanted. 

                                          All she needs it to feel NOTICED...

They smile and think its a joke and she winces at the thought of them taking her emotions for granted. For taking the trust she put out there to say it and making it seem like its not a big deal. It is. DANG IT! IT IS! 

She is always so afaid when she opens up. Afraid of being rejected, humilitated, or hated. She is so afraid, her whole body shakes. She is so afraid, she cries. She gets paranoid. She feels broken.

Why can't being rejeceted or taken lightly only happen once? Why does it seem to happen every single time! Every time. They don't take her seiously, she breaks just a little more. Every time they laugh she feels so rejected.

Why? Why do they do that? I just want to be able to trust. But I can't, not when everytime I open up I get shot down again... I can't take the rejection anymore.