Hide Your Fires

14: Normal

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Everything goes almost back to normal on Monday. I get Jude ready for school while wrestling with Matthew to wake up on time and then while Jude is getting dressed, I style my hair and do my makeup. I’m not in the best mood for obvious reasons so I’m not feeling incredibly motivated to put a lot of work into my outfit. As a result, I just force a brush quickly through my curls and then outline my eyes in makeup, coat my lips in gloss and then get dressed in an overly-sized sweater, jeans, and low-heeled booties.

I get downstairs as Matt is finishing up some last minute homework at the table and Jude is sitting beside him, looking at the paper in front of Matt as if he understands any of it. I make all three of us bowls of cereal as Jude tells me about a project that they’re starting in school.

I notice that Matt is exceptionally silent, which is expected, so I just let Jude talk my ear off about everything about daycare and how he’s going to have everybody sign his cast today in class while I rinse off my bowl and then stuff some lunch items into Jude’s lunchbox for his lunch today.

Lunch is packed, homework is done, underwear is clean, backpacks are prepared. I fish out three dollars from the lunch money jar and hand it to Matt like I do every day but he just shakes his head.

“I don’t need money today,” He tells me, standing up from the table and tossing his school bag over his shoulder.

“Why not?” I wonder with suspicion.

He shrugs. “You don’t eat lunch. I won’t either.”

“Matt,” I sigh. “You can eat lunch.”

“I don’t need to. Really, it’s fine,” He assures me, taking the money from my hand and sitting it on the counter behind him. I’m not sure if he’s doing this as a whiney thing as if to say ‘you want me to be responsible? Then I’ll just STARVE’ or if he is really trying to make an effort here to help me out. Either way, I grab the three dollars and stuff it back into the jar.

“Okay, whatever you say. It’s always there if you change your mind,” I say, too drained from this weekend to even discuss his decision. “Come on, Jude, it’s time to get to school.”

We all file out of the house and then into the car where I drive to Jude’s daycare center and drop him off before we’re making our way toward the high school. I’m not mad at Matthew anymore although I’m not sure if he’s still upset with me or not because all the way to school, he doesn’t talk at all and I don’t say anything either.

I park the car and we’re about to get out to start our day but before I unlock the doors from my side, I put a hand on Matt’s shoulder and say, “Hey.”

He turns around in his seat and looks at me to see why I stopped him from getting out of the car.

“I love you to death,” I tell my little brother. “Everything is going to be okay, alright?”

Matthew offers me a small reassuring smile and then he nods. “I know.”

“Have a good day,” I say and then I unlock the doors and we walk into the building together but split ways quickly to get to our respective lockers. I walk down the hallway alone but Matthew is almost immediately swarmed by his group of friends. Tate, I notice, isn’t there.

Before lunch, I go to all of my classes like normal but I do get a few weird looks from people passing me in the hallways. I tell myself that I’m just being self-conscious and paranoid but after the fifth stare, I’m getting suspicious that something is going on. I even stop by the bathroom to see if there’s anything on my face but there’s nothing, I look fine.