Straight

XXI

It's a fucking good thing Brett has had so much practice at hiding what he feels, it really is. It's the only thing that saves him today, as he moves through the building he knows so well, as he chats, as he practises. Inside his heart he's screaming, he's crying. He keeps looking at Eddy in the lessons they have together, but he seems far, far away. In fact... he looks... miserable. Sad. Upset.
Has he made him sad?

"Are you okay, Eddy?" he asks in the end, as they are both packing up their sheet music after the rehearsal. He has to, he needs to know. He needs to at least hear his voice. They've never spoken as little as they did today.
"Yeah, I'm okay, just really tired and my head hurts." Eddy answers in that same quiet tone from earlier. "I'm going to lie down I think, when I get home. I can practise tomorrow."
Is it true? Or is he just saying this to get away? Either way, Brett knows what to say. He touches his shoulder like best bros do and smiles as if it's nothing.
"Alright. I'll see you tomorrow then, yeah? Please text me later and let me know you're okay?"
"Yeah, sure." Eddy says as he starts for the exit.

Brett's heart pounds as he walks home alone. His key in the lock seems loud, and he pushes down the tears as he looks at the wall. That wall, where just a couple of nights ago Eddy made him orgasm. Oh, who is he kidding anyway? The tear wells over and before he knows it he is falling onto Eddy's half of the bed, burying his face in the pillow that smells of him and bawling hard.
Will Eddy ever lie here again?
Oh, this is torture, this is hell. The minutes crawl by, and he just doesn't have it in him to do anything useful, like getting up, like practising, like eating. He just lies there in this hole he created for himself until deep into the night, when in the end he falls into a fitful sleep.

The alarm clock wakes him up and he's clutching Eddy's pillow to his chest like it's the man he loves himself. The realisation that he's not here hits him even harder because he has no idea if he'll ever be back here and there are already tears, again.
God, how will he get through this day? And what will Eddy say? His heart makes a little jump at the thought of seeing Eddy, at least seeing him, even if he won't want to talk to him. His cellphone buzzes and he grabs for it.
Oh fuck. Oh fuck. The coldness clutches his heart as he reads the message again and again. Eddy is sick, and can't come in.

He doesn't know how, but he manages to eat a couple of bites of cereal and get himself over to the con. I mean, what else is he going to do? At home he'll just make himself crazy, because there is Eddy pouring out of every fibre. So he smiles manfully at Jack and Cho, although he can't make himself talk. He sits through music history and thanks God when he doesn't get called on during solfege. His thoughts are with Eddy.
What if... what if he really is sick? Will he want to see him?
The second the teacher dismisses them he is up and out. He doesn't say goodbye, he's legging it down the corridor, because he knows what to do. Yes, he wants to salvage what he can, but it's bigger than that.
He needs to make sure that Eddy is okay. Nothing in the world is bigger than that.
He's breathless as he makes it to the take away he knows Eddy likes. He orders fried rice and chicken soup. That's what you get, right, for a sick person? He rushes to Eddy's house, and it's nice to feel his heart pumping because he's almost running, instead of just with dread.
Will Eddy even let him in? He's not sure, but he doesn't allow himself to think about what will happen if he turns him away. He just knocks on the door and smiles at Eddy's mum.
"Hello Mrs. Chen."
She smiles back and lets him in. Look, he's been here a million times. Of course she does.
Will Eddy?
He kicks off his shoes and walks up the stairs quickly, before the dread can catch him up. Knocks gently on Eddy's door and opens it a touch.
"Eddy? Can I come in?" he asks quietly. Waits with his heart in his throat for the answer, because this is it. This is the moment.
"Of course." Eddy grunts, and Brett sags with relief for a moment. Then he walks into the room. 

A/N "Can I just say": (did you see what I did there? ;-)) thank you so much for all the lovely messages last week! I'm doing a lot better now and they meant a lot to me. Love you all!