I Miss You (I Blank You #1)

eight

"Looking dashing as ever, Ms. Dilamis" puri ng bagong upo na student council president ng university.

Tumingin ako sa kanya while gesturing at her, "Please, not as good looking as you, Ms. Diaz"

We just giggled at our honest compliments bago niya itinuloy ang mga dapat niyang sabihin para sa programa.

"Thank you for accepting on being one of the speaker,"

"The pleasure's all mine."

"Based on what I've heard and actually seen with my own two eyes, you've been a consistent dean's lister for your whole stay here in Elixir University right?"

I just hummed at her, nasanay na ako na parati nababanggit mga nakamtan ko lalo na pagdating sa pagiging 'top student' ani nga nila.

Tuwing sinasabi ang pangalan ko lagi iyon may kasama ng mga nakamit ko na academic achievements. Higit sa lahat hindi na rin bago kung maitatanong niya kung ano reason or tips on how I stayed on top.

I even hear people saying na nasa akin na raw ang lahat.

"Before we dive into our question, do you have someone special in your life?"

"In terms of family, friends, or romantically?"

Bago niya ituloy ang sasabihin niya ay tumingin muna siya sa mga students as if asking them to pick one of the words I mentioned.

Nahagip ng mga mata ko na ibinaba ni Jayce ang camera niya bago nag heart sign sa president, "Romantically" she confirms the choice.

"I think our relationship is not a secret to everyone... The answer is yes, I do have one." nagdalawang isip muna ako bago ipinagpatuloy na, "Someone who's been there since day one."

"He seems special," Stella smiles at me, "Now that we know aside from being a smart student, that you're also a great lover, are you ready for your question?"

I affirmatively bop my head at her, signaling that I'm ready, it must be one of those cliché questions targeted for those who are at top.

"If you were to choose between love or career, which would it be?"

I half-expected the question, isa yan sa parating tanong na naririnig ko at ibinabato sa akin. I know my answer, iisa lang naman ang sagot ko sa paulit-ulit na tanong.

"First thing that comes in mind would be what is something that is guaranteed to be there in the future," simula ko habang pinag-iisipan ang mga susunod na sasabihin, "That is Career."

"Career would always be my top priority. Everyone knows that. Aside from career being what's constant in life, love comes and goes. One shouldn't limit themselves to loving one person."

I'm satisfied with my answer kahit na may ramdam ako na kulang at limot sa aking mga sinabi, hindi ko 'to pinagtuunan ng pansin.

Murmurs start to fill the room na hindi nakatulong sa kaba na nararamdaman ko na kumakalat sa buong katawan ko.

Patuloy ang takbo ng oras habang nagsasalita si Stella. "What an inspiring answer, thank you for that Ms. Dilamis."

It didn't take long for the event to come to an end. Hindi rin nagtagal ay mabilis na pumunta sa harap ko si Keene, hindi siya nag-aksaya ng segundo at tuloy-tuloy kami naglakad hanggang sa makahanap siya ng lugar kung saan wala masyado tao.

"What was that?" pabulong niya na salita habang tinanggal ang pagkahawak sa aking kamay.

Genuinely confused by him, my eyebrows furrowed together. I take a few steps forward to comfort him from whatever is bothering him, "What do you mean?"

Alas, Keene merely takes a step backward, dodging my touch. "What's with that answer?"

"What..? I've always chosen career... There's nothing wrong with my answer?"

Keene shakes his head at me, "I don't have anything against you choosing career but what's with your answer and that... that—" Keene didn't continue his words and ran his palm down his face while breathing heavily.

Lalo ako nalito sa mga sinabi niya at pilit na inuunawa kahit na mahirap siya kausapin, "That? Keene it takes two to communicate, just tell me."

"You wouldn't understand"

"Then make me."

Patuloy lang umiling sa akin si Keene, kita ang samu't sari na emosyon na nararamdaman niya ngayon, masakit na makita na nagkakaganito siya ngunit nauna ang emosyon ko.

It seems like the wavering feeling I felt earlier turned into something nasty, one I cannot have control over and words just start to leave my mouth without a second thought.

"You know Keene..." simula ko, nakasarado ang kamay ko sa gilid para mapigilan ng kaunti ang galit na kumakalat sa aking sistema, "Nasasakal ako."

Bumalik ng tingin ang mga mata niya sa akin, nakuha ang atensyon sa mga binitawan ko na salita, "What?"

"I will always choose my future kasi it's not like you will stay with me until we grow old! Is this what it's all about?"

Confusion starts to show in Keene's expression, "I know that!" he breathes out an exasperated sigh.

"Pambihira, Rena! You're always jumping to conclusions!" sabi niya habang hinihilot ang noo niya.

Handa na ako sumagot sa mga sinabi niya ng maunahan niya ako, "I know na optimistic ka na tao..." kalmado niya na saad bago ituloy, "I always reason out that I should be supportive to you no matter what happens but..."

Keene looks at me, his eyes pleading, "Rena I can't accept what you've said today. I get the part that you chose career over love but saying that love comes and goes?"

He chuckles at himself while shaking his head, "That I'm not the only person who will come to love you? While we're in a relationship?"

Matapos niya bigkasin ang mga salita na yun ay nagsimula na dumilim ang paningin ko, hindi iniintindi ang mga pinaparating niya.

"Please lang Shauna, nagpapakatanga ako sayo pero huwag mo naman tratuhin na literal."

I just threw my hands up in the air, defeated, "Keene just tell me if you're tired of me."

"I'll gladly break up with you" unang bitaw ko na salita without wishing for it to actually happen.

"I swear Shauna, you only think of yourself!" sigaw niya, kita ang bahid ng inis sa kanyang mukha. Naramdaman ko na pawa ba bumigat ang loob ko at para ba may humahadlang sa aking pagsasalita.

This is going to end up with one outcome and I will take it as a chance to call it myself, "I see..." I said while letting out a humorless laugh, "It was nice while it lasted, Lee."

Kahit na mapait ang mga salita na lumabas sa aking labi ay patuloy akong naglakad paalis, immediately wiping the tears that manages to escape my eyes.

Narinig ko ang huling salita niya, "It's nice knowing you, Shauna." bago tuluyan na maalis ako sa kanyang paningin.

Kinuha ko isa sa mga unan na nakapatong sa kama, burying my face to scream my heart out.

Masakit.

Sobrang sakit na magbalik tanaw sa ala-ala na iyon. Gusto ko bumalik at sabihin—ipangalandakan na kahit kailanman ay hindi ko ginusto na mag-hiwalay kami. Bumalik para pangaralan ko ang sarili kung gaano ako naging makasarili.

I don't know how Keene managed to stand my selfish acts back then. The recent call in addition. Now that I look back and see it with a more open mind... Keene has been through a lot.

Despite all that, I'm desperate, willing to show him that people can change.

Na pwede ako magbago para sa kanya.

But that seems out of reach with the thoughtless actions I did.

Niyakap ko ang unan at patuloy lamang pagtulo ng luha sa aking mukha, unti-unti na tumahan ang aking paghikbi. Slowly, I feel myself getting drowsy from the tiring events that happened.

Crying myself to sleep once again.