three rooms | nathan gardner

I

Warnings: swear words, taking drugs
Word count: 1033

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I was out of my mind. Utterly insane. 

What is the worth of living if limits do not scare you anymore? 

How wild can you become when temptations pull you under? 

Is that it? Is this the end of me?

The gate closed behind me, the sun caressed my back as shadows crawled right in front of my eyes. A year ago everyone kept saying that your last year of college is the very one worthy to remember, and worthy to forget.

Right there I knew that my bell tolled as I started to walk towards the gothic building while carefully avoiding the huge crowd of excited students who happened to be my classmates.

We were to attend a very long lesson about the functions of our minds, something that used to interest me a year ago for I was absolutely amazed by learning Psychology in the most expensive University of the country.

But that was a year ago.

Something shifted inside me that fatal day, I didn’t longed to take notes and pay attention to the lecture, I didn’t feel the desperate need to dive deep into The Great Unconscious. 
That was the name of the course, a little bit self celebrating if you ask me.

My thoughts were wandering through strange places of my mind, nonsensical distractions tempted me as Mr. Gardner started his lesson. 

My hand was struggling to hold the pen, almost shaking. I think I spent twenty torturous minutes staring at my notebook running after my own breath that was causing me a sharp pain right under my chest.

No one noticed me as I was the only one sitting in the last row, so I took advantage of it and leaned against the wall, relaxing my muscles and my stiff neck. I wore a brown turtleneck which was almost choking me, gripping my throat tighter after every breath. Slowly I slipped two fingers between the fabric and my skin, trying to calm down.

An annoying pain was rising between my eyebrows, causing my sight to blur a little and I swear I felt a knot growing inside my throat. 

I wanted to throw up, but rules were more important.

I took a deep breath and started to focus on the lesson, my mind was forcing my hand to write down Mr. Gardner’s words… hold on, where was he? 

I raised my eyes and saw everyone read a sheet of paper, no one dared to speak nor whisper. Test.
That was a test.
A very common habit of Mr. Gardner, especially when he never warned us that he would test us. 

I noticed that I didn’t receive it. Great. Am I hallucinating? I must’ve got it, but my desk is empty.

I closed my eyes as another intrusive thought escaped from inside me and jumped right in front of my conscience, but it was soon gone when I heard a whisper.

«Pull yourself together Miss Theller».

I widened my eyes and saw Mr. Gardner standing right beside me, a sheet of paper in his hand. I straightened my back as best as I could without letting him notice my embarrassment, raising my chin and showing off a stone cold expression. 

«I apologize Professor Gardner». 

He tilted his head and stared into my soul with his piercing eyes, giving me his usual dead look full of indescribable meanings. 

Before I could’ve thought of anything else I took the paper, hoping he would leave me alone. 

«You failed to write down what I said about Freud, Miss Theller». 

He tapped his fingertip on my notebook, tracing the few words I wrote.
I gulped silently, utterly ashamed of my lack of focus. It never ever happened before. 

God, what a mess.

«Don’t let me catch you unprepared, I won’t be indulgent this year».

He was never indulgent with us.
I looked him straight into his dark pupils as inexpressive as I could’ve been, nodding respectfully.

«It won’t happen again».

He raised an eyebrow.

«Professor Gardner».

I added immediately, damning myself for forgetting even the silliest rule about respect towards teachers. He tried to darken his glare, but I kept my ground. 

«Fine. I expect the greatest result from your test Miss Theller, do not disappoint me.», he lightly smirked and walked away with a slow but confident pace as if he owned the whole building. 

I forced myself to put all that I had into that freaking test, causing my inner and physical pain to arise at alarming levels. 

My eyes were watery as I spent the whole time trying to make my brain work, I was about to burst. 
Then I remembered who the fuck I was and dragged my mind to deliver the best test to Mr. Gardner, I wanted to be absolutely perfect. 

The smartest in the room.

After two hours I was a little dazed but managed to hand in my paper, he didn’t even look at me and made me exit the classroom with an annoyed wave of his hand, as he did with everyone else.

I clenched my jaw and went to the bathroom, almost falling against a door as my legs were struggling to keep me standing. 
I sat on the toilet and locked the door, wiping my tears. 

I had no reason to cry.
If I wasn’t able to be perfect there was no point in feeling pity for myself, I had to pull myself together and simply be the best.

No excuses.

I sighed and pulled a vial of morphine from the inside pocket of my blazer, raising my left sleeve. I closed my eyes, letting the liquid enter me to numb my unbearable pain away. 

I wanted to be the best, no matter if I left my soul behind. 

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AUTHOR'S NOTE:

Yep, I'm actually back on Wattpad just for this time.

This ff is an attempt to set my multiple ideas free and it's my very first ff written in English so pls mind the mistakes.

It has a dark tone and a lot of contents that might trigger some of you, so be careful pls.

Anyways, hope u enjoy it as much as I do.