The only exception

chapter 4

I stretch out my legs and remember the reason I woke up in the first place. The yelling the fighting fuck. I'm still half asleep as I crawl to my door setting one ear on the wall. It's muffled I cant pinpoint what there saying. She should have never been with him but it's been two years and after canceling the wedding twice they finally got married. Big mistake on my moms half. I don't know why she's attached to him she thinks she loves him. Even if he brings the worst out of her she still stays. Even when they are nothing but toxic she stays with him. 

This isn't her first out of control relationship she's goes through guys faster than I can blink. The cycle is the same every time. She meets a dude then moves him in a couple months later. Everything fine for a minute then boom complete chaos. Cops showing up up the house mental breakdowns things breaking. It's normal for me I'm not phased.

I have many memories of waking up in the middle of the night to my mom and one of her conquests screaming so loud the whole neighborhood could wake up.

I was too scared to do anything I was a coward. I laid in bed every time I didn't move I never did. Just as I am now weak. I lay there silent not moving I'm glued to the ground. My heart beat quickens at every crash.I hold myself tight under the blankets trying to block out the yelling. Im use to it it's normal but my body still reacts this way every time.

......

When I wake up the house is quiet I rub my eyes a few times adjusting to the bright light.I stretch my body out and pull the covers off. I put on my slippers so my toes aren't cold on the hardwood floor. I shiver when I'm out in the open. So I grab a hoodie for extra warmth. My door creaks as I open it slowly.

The house is silent no one in sight. I tip toe out of my door and go to my moms room the doors open. She isn't there I walk back to my room and look out the window both cars are gone. She left and didn't tell me anything. I feel more comfortable walking out now since Phil isn't here so I continue my mission. I walk to the living room there's pictures on the ground the ones my mom made us take. She thought we needed family pictures even though we're not a family in any way shape or form. There's some glass broken I make my way around the shards on the ground. There's a hole in the wall Jesus fuck. I check if the front door is locked it's not that's great. My mom left me hear and didn't even tell me where she was going I mean I have ideas where she would go but that's not the point. I'm alone all alone I've been abandoned. I look around for a note but there's none in sight. All I find is empty whiskey and vodka bottles. I don't have time for this I sigh as I step around a broken cup.

I lock the bathroom door behind me even though no one is home. I turn the hot water on and wait for it to heat up. I have an urge to cut again. I want to do it I really want too I don't know why. I know I shouldn't but the thought is lingering in my mind. I check the drawer to see if my razor is still there, it is. My mom didn't even have the audacity to take away what I was cutting with. She knew what I used but she didn't take the time to remove it. I pick up the razor and stare at it admiring it. It's so shiny and reflects in the bathroom lighting. It's sharp but not too sharp it's kinda dull now since it's been months. I stare at myself one lonely tear falls down. I'm damaged goods I will never be who I use to be.

This is who I am now there's no getting better there's no going back to the little girl I use to be. I don't wanna die but sometimes I do. I don't cut because I wanna die I just do it I'm not sure why. I wish I knew I'd do anything to be able to understand myself.
I put the razor back in the drawer.

I look at my body my stomach is flat and I don't care how I got it to be that way because I like what I see and that's all that matters. I trace the purples lines on my thighs. A salty flavor touches my mouth I didn't realize I had started crying. I wipe the tears away and smile in the mirror I'm okay I'm fine. I give myself a big cheeky smile one of my eyes closes more than the other due to an accident I was in as a kid. I have a scar through my left eyebrow from the accident too. So many imperfections.