The only exception

Chapter 2

My room looks the same as I left it 30 days ago. It feels like I've been gone for an eternity. It feels like I've been gone 30 years instead of 30 days. I feel awkward in my own room. I feel out of place. My house feels cold and quiet. The atmosphere feels strange but I cant explain.

My lock is gone. I ignore that for the moment.

I set my bags down and jump on my bed. I sink into the mattress like I'm on a marshmallow. It feels so nice. I missed my bed most of all. The fluffy thick comforter the soft smooth mattress. I sink into it perfectly like it was made for me personally. I look around my room as if I've forgotten what it looks like. My plants have died. They are withering sadly on my window seal. I strangely understand what they are feeling. I feel pity for them. They didn't get enough love. I abandoned them.

Plants and humans are alike in a way. We need to be the loved the right to keep us alive, to become a good human. If we're neglected of that love we die maybe not physically but emotionally and mentally.

I quickly get some water for them. I watch the water soak into the dirt. I watch how the plant sucks up the water. I feel better.

I unpack what little I have. Two hoodies, 3 pairs of sweats, some t-shirt's, a pair of jeans and underwear. I don't like bras and I don't give a fuck to wear one. It's not like I have boobs.

The one thing I missed the most about my room is my bookshelf. Looking at it makes me giddy. Seeing the rows and rows of books. I love the power reading has over you. The way you can leave reality into another one. A better one. You can cancel out life. I wish I could live in a perfectly articulated book. Where pain is minimal and love is true. I don't though. I live in this fucked up world. If there is a god he must hate me.

I can hear my moms footsteps heading towards my room. I brace myself for her presence.

She open the door without knocking "Juliet are you hungry" she says as she barges into my room.I hate that. I wish she knocked. I wish she acknowledged my privacy. What parent doesn't knock ?

" Where's my lock ?" I question her I try not to sound to irritable I don't wanna poke the bear. It's a genuine question anyone would have if they see there lock was gone. I'm almost 18 and she's acting like a child.

She looks at me like she is wondering what to say next. She is articulating what to say. She is trying to make an excuse to where it sounds like she cares. Like she did that for me. She is just controlling. It's who she is.

" I took it off you don't need a lock not anymore." She says in a condescending tone.

I wanna punch her. I think about if I did. The consequences would be too grave I know better.

"How about my privacy? If I'm changing? Can you at least knock now please." I add the please hopefully not to come off too demanding.

"Yes I will knock but we're not playing this game Juliet you will be on thin ice for awhile I cant trust you anymore. You need to earn your place back your behavior is insane." She's so hypocritical she acts like she didn't try to take her life twice. What a joke.

She sighs like she I am sucking the life out of her. Like I am a tick or a fly. I am bothering her but she can't get rid of me not that easily. Maybe she shouldn't have kept me. I wish she didn't.

I wanna scream right then and there. I feel so angry. I clench my jaw in and out. I curl my toes to control my anger. I cant stand her. I muster up a fake response to satisfy her.

" Ok I'm sorry." Why am I apologizing?

Stupid Juliet

Stupid

Stupid

Stupid

I provide a fake smile that probably looks ridiculous. She makes me feel like it's my fault this is the way I am. She makes me feel like my whole existence is a mistake. I guess it is she didn't want me.

She was 17.

She didn't want me.

I was a mistake. That's that.

"I will order some pizza does that sound fine? From your favorite place?" She smiles I almost feel bad for my thoughts. I feel guilty. I shouldn't but I do. I know this behavior will fade away we're in the honey moon stage.

"Ya sounds good thanks Mom." She leaves and I am left alone again. I don't mind being alone. I like it actually but then I wonder if I'm lying to myself.

I'm going to take a bath I decided. It's been 30 days since I've taken a bath. They weren't allowed at the hospital. For obvious reasons.

The bathroom looks the same I unpack my toothbrush and plop it into the jar. I take off my clothes I already took a shower today but another won't kill me. I turn the bath on and wait for the tub to fill up. I watch it fill up it's satisfying. There is steam coming off the water. Just how I like it. I take my clothes off and get in. My skin burns against the hot liquid. It feels so good but also slightly hurts. I like the feeling. I like the pain. I want to feel something.

I go under it's quiet. I think about what if I didn't come back up. What if I just died right here and now. Would my mom cry ? Where would I go after death? Would it hurt or would it be quick ? Unanswered questions fill my mind. It's easy to just not come back up. It's also hard the feeling when your lungs beg for air. The feeling where your on the brink of death. The line between living and death. I cant though. I'm a coward. I cant do it no matter how hard it gets. Maybe it's a blessing in disguise. My lungs beg for air I come up and that feeling is gone.

My mom knocks on the door that the foods here. I'm not very hungry but I must make an appearance. I dry off with the fluffy towel I missed so dearly. I throw some clothes on and walk to the dining room.

My mom is already seated at the table.

It's awkward. I want to leave. My mom is just staring at me as I eat. Analyzing every move I take. I lost my appetite a long time ago. Me and food aren't friends. That's another story to add to my fucked up metal state. I finish one slice and I feel like I've eaten 20. I feel unhappy that it tastes so good. I fold my napkin and put it on my plate to say I'm done. My mom clears her throat and takes a sip of water.

"So are you excited to start college ? How exciting all your classes will be the ones you signed up for last spring. So tomorrow you have a teen group session you must attend after school" she says as she reaches for another slice. Thank fuck Phil isn't there I guess they got into a fight. Shocked.

Group session? That's the last thing I want to do. "Why didn't I know about this I just did 30 days in a mental hospital I don't want to do that I'm fine I'm all better." I don't smile I just hope she believes me.

I almost plead it sounds like. We didn't have group therapy in the hospital and I was thankful for that. I'm upset I'm just finding this out you would have thought my mom would have told me in advance. I wish it was up to me. I feel fine I am fine. This is normal for me. Feeling this way is normal for me. I'm fine.

" You'll go I don't care what you feel it's apart of the plan I don't want to hear another word about it." she sharply says without another word I shut my mouth. That's what I'm best at. Shutting my mouth keeping quiet.

As she cleans I leave the table.

I'm aware it's 7 o clock but I feel drained I feel exhausted I wanna sleep. I curl up in my bed and try to get some sleep.

......

It's been two hours and my body has defeat my mind. My mind is asleep but my body is awake. I need sleep I need something.

I get up quietly to check if everyone's asleep. I sneak into my moms bathroom and get Phil's sleeping pills. There in the same spot. Dumbass, I take a few then I decide fuck him I take 5. He can eat shit for all I care. I just don't want my mom finding out so I put one back. I have to be smart. I close the lid put it back in its place and leave like nothing happened.

I lay back in bed and take two pills. I don't have water so I take it dry. I'm too lazy to get water. I start to gag. Bad idea. In the end it goes down. After a few minutes it hits me. It feels good I feel calm. I feel my body slowly fading away. The feeling is addicting which is scary.