The only exception

Chapter 1

        It's cold. The sound of old windows tapping against the wall sends chills up my spine. The creaking of wood floors makes me pull my covers over my head. The distant screams of the wind keep me up. Though I never sleep nowadays even with the medicine they give me it doesn't help.The pain is still there like a shadow that never leaves me. It haunts me even when I close my eyes, it follows me to my dreams. The soft breaths of my roommate Lily bring me back to reality. I think she's mute I've never heard her speak one word she just hums the same tune over and over. If I am crazy it's because of her.

Today is my last day.  I've been here 30 days and I wish I could say I hate it but down deep inside I know I don't. If I'm anywhere but home I feel content. I wasn't trying to die I'm not suicidal. Or am I, I don't know anymore. After the first cut it became a habit. When was asleep I would sneak into my bathroom and scar my arms as tears soaked my face. I didn't know why I did it I just did. Maybe I'm crazy. I should have been more smart did I think my mom wouldn't find out ?  I don't know but she sent me away didn't want to deal with me. She didn't do it out of concern like a normal parent she just didn't want to deal with a depressed child too much work I guess.

The sun is coming up which means I didn't sleep one bit all night. I can feel the weight of my eye bags. My heaviness of my eyes. They want to close they want to sleep. My body aches my mind hurts but I cant bring myself to sleep.

"How do you feel Juliet? "

" I feel fine same as always" I pick at my cuticles. Blood appears at the corner of my nail. A sign I've picked too far.

" How are you feeling about going home? Seeing your mom? I know you must be feeling a lot of things" she says in a optimistic tone I hate.

" I  cant say I do Moira since it's our last session I think first name basis is called for." I give her a dry look. I feel bad for her sometimes. Everyday all day she listens to peoples problems it has to be tiring and draining. Specially when kids like me don't give her anything to feed off of I guess I'm selfish in that way. I have so much to say so much feelings but everything disappears when I sit in front of her. I feel like I can't speak. I'm scared of what I'll say I'm even more scared of how she'll react.

"I will miss our time together it's been just such a hoot" I remark sarcastically continuing to pick at my nails. Bad habit. I'm working on it.

She sighs and writes something down probably complaining about how a nuisance I am. I don't give a shit. It's her job to sit all day with depressed teenagers.

"I'm here to help you I wish you would open up its very obvious this behavior is a defense mechanism. You don't like to be vulnerable I understand that but this is a step to recovery." she says sympathetically with her kind eyes and reassuring smile I wanna slap off her face.

I scoff at that last bit. Recovery no one ever recovers. Pain is everlasting it sticks with you until the day you die. No one is happy everyone is fucked up in there own way. I accepted that this was my life a long time ago. Maybe I'm being stubborn but I'm so used to the pain that I don't want it  to go away. Which is straight up fucked up on my part.

I'm afraid if I tell her that, what I actually think she'll think I'm crazy. What kid wants to be in pain?

I do because it's all I know being happy being content makes me feel like I'm living a fake life. I guess down deep inside the ugly truth of it is i want someone to love me. I want someone to see my pain and help me.

When someone does help me I reject it an act like I don't want it. My mind reacts not my heart. Weird right?  I don't understand it either. I don't understand my own body my own mind.