The only exception

Chapter 1

That's why I cut  my arms whether I want too accept it or not it was a cry for help. My mom doesn't care and I think it hurts me more than I think. I thought she would comfort me tell me it's okay. Instead she yelled at me and acted appalled how I could do such a thing. "Your life isn't that bad Juliet, is this a trend are you friends doing this"? She made the situation about herself.

One I don't have friends proves how little she knows me. I did have friends but my insecurities and depression ate away at me. The old me is gone. There's nothing left of her. The happy child who thought she was living a life out of a fairy tale. She's gone.

Two she did this to me. I'm fucked up because of her. She is so selfish to realize it though. I wish I could stand up for myself but I'm weak when it comes to her. Like a newborn lamb weak and hopeless.

The clock hits two meaning our session is over and I can leave this tacky decorated room. A whole hour of staring at the wall having a stranger ask you why your depressed. It's bullshit and doesn't help.

"Times up bye Moira I'll miss you" i blow her a kiss and jump up off the hard couch and head to retrieve my bags. I'm leaving which means back to day 1. Back to where I started. Back to the never ending cycle of pain.

I walk to my room Lily is painting her nails a light shade of pink that makes my face curl in disgust.

I have an hour before I will be picked up so I decide to shower. I love showers it's the only time I can truly be alone. When I wanted to cry or just be in my own presence without the fear of my mom walking in on me. I look at myself in the mirror. My green eyes dull and lifeless my skin pale and sickly. My lips chapped and bruised from my constant chewing. My cheekbones seem more prominent then usual. I am skinnier but I don't mind. My hips are too wide. My stomach is flat but not flat enough.

I don't look in the mirror often it's too hard. To look at yourself and hate what you see and not being able to change that. My nose is too long my lips are too small. Purple lines cover my thighs I wish I could just erase them. If only life was that simple. I use to care more but even now it's too much energy to care.

My body melts from the hot water covering my body. I moan in pleasure it feels so nice. I can feel my cheeks heat up from the water and I wish I could stay here forever. In this moment just me and the water. I lather soap and wash my body and hair. I scrub so hard as if i could scrub away the problems but they are still here.

The water is warm now nearly cold signally it's time to get out. I quickly reach for my towel as the cold air hits me goosebumps appear on my arms. The towel is thin and small. I miss my towels at home. I dry off and pull over a black hoodie, grey sweats and underwear with a bow on them. Curtesy of being in a mental hospital. I slip my fuzzy socks on and brush my thick black hair. I fix my bangs and call it a day.

When I get out Lily is still painting her nails. It's been 30 minutes. What a nut job but I guess I cant judge.

"Well I'm leaving bye" I say to her as I pull my bag over my shoulders.

She doesn't look my way or acknowledge that she hears me she just keeps painting her nails and humming that same dam song.

I take a last look at the shabby room and almost feel like I'll miss it. The plain walls. The squeaky metal bed. The thin itchy blankets. Lily even if she's a freak it's nice not to be alone.

When I say goodbye to Mrs Lamb the head nurse she gives me a pat on the back.

"Ok kiddo get out of here" she opens the door for me and watched me walk out.

My mom is here. She looks the same and of course she brought him. Her actually insane husband who is a full creep. He is covered in tattoos and his eyes are black and scary . They are piercing like he is ready to hunt you down and kill you. My heart picks up as he stares at me and my palms feel clammy. My mom half runs half walks to me as I get closer. I internally sigh.

"Jules oh I've missed you baby." My mom says into my hair. I can tell she's telling the truth. My mom relies on me she can't let me go. I'm her puppet she can do whatever she wants to me.

She hugs me tightly and I stiffen to her touch. I use to love her hugs I longed for them. Any affection from her but now I despise it. I feel like I have to put on an act. I have to act like I love her. I cant look at her the same anymore. Too much damage.

" Hi Mom I missed you too." Lie. I try to sound as sincere as possible that's what I have to do.

" Hey Juliet how's it going" I shiver at his words as he gives me deathly stare. A cocky smirk takes over his ugly face and I cant help but want to vomit. I nod my head to acknowledge him as words can't seem to come out. He reminds me of why I hate men.

.......

I replay the scene in my head.

Over

And

Over

Again until I can pin point every detail in my memory. It almost didn't feel real at first as the memories came back years later. In came back so randomly one day that it felt like a fever dream. It felt like my mind was playing tricks on me. The scene played so naturally in my mind one day in 7th grade during health class while we were talking about molestation. I remember thinking no one knows but me. The kids sitting next to me have no idea that has happened to me. I hardly knew of the memory but it appeared as if I've always known. After it happened I pushed it away and never thought about it again.

I buried it down deep in my mind never to be seen again. Until that one day it started coming back. Him coming into my room. Him kneeling down my my bed. Him putting his hands over my private areas. My mom was in the shower and I wonder why I didn't yell for help. I wonder why I wasn't scared. I wonder why I stood still like a statue as he rubbed his hand over and over on my private part. I was young and didn't know much about the world but I knew this wasn't normal I wondered why he would do this to me. His family. His younger cousin. He was a man I was a child. I replay it over and over trying to see if I missed something because it feels unreal. He would make me sit on his lap and he would grind his private on me. Still I did nothing. I didn't tell anyone not because I was scared but because I just felt nothing.

Was I not normal?

Am I not normal ?

That thought floats in my head often.

As I got older I noticed my uncomfortableness around men. I didn't like wearing swimsuits in front of men even my dad. If my dad complimented me as a father does out of love I would feel uncomfortable.

It wasn't until at a family function when my to drunk uncle was getting a little too close and handsy on me.

He's not a creep but his actions made my heart beat faster. Made my hands sweat and an uneasy feeling grow in my stomach. I realized I was panicking I realized I was uncomfortable and wanted to leave. My eyes were slightly watering and I was overreacting but I guess in my situation I had the rights to feel like way.

My moms husband Phil is a creep. Hence my hatred for him. He would change with the door open knowing he lives in a house with a teenage girl.

It happens a few times finally it stopped. It was weird but I brushed it off. Until one day I was looking for my mom and she says to come in her bathroom . She was in the shower and I seeked her out to ask her a question. I don't remember what it was. Anyways I walk in because the door was open and Phil is naked just standing there. Weird right?

It gets worse he doesn't move. Doesn't reach for his clothes or a towel. He stands there flaunting his dick in the air.

I quickly turn around and spurt out sorry. Why did I apologize? I did nothing wrong.He says nothing he is mute. I am in shock my mind can't comprehend what just happend. My mom never found out.

.......

We get in the car. My mom is making awkward small talk. It feels hot in the car maybe it's just me. I watch the trees and the birds move past me. I count how many cars we pass. The ride is unbearable. There's no music it's silent. I wish I was back in my room at the hospital.

It's dark when I wake up I fell asleep. I slowly open my eyes and I see my home. I sigh internally to myself. I'm back on the carousel. The never ending carousel that is my life. I already feel trapped. I feel like the air is getting sucked out of me. I cant breathe. I'm dead