sold to phoebe bridgers

eric cl*pton

"here honey have a monster energy my precious alt queer," your horrible mother said. 

"ew get this bull sperm shit away from me before i shoot you with a monster energy gun," you said back. 

"what is your goddamn(my pain fits in the palm of your freezing hand) problem???????"

"mom you put me up for sale on craigslist." 

"oh my bad. but i'm so excited to get my jake gyllenhaal merch sweetie pie heart i will send you pics!!!!!!!"

"do i give a single fuck?!?!?"

"oh look my sissy angry girl emo queer crybaby! she's here!" 

you looked out the window in horror. there she was, driving an eighties sedan! and it looked like she was speeding because now your mailbox was knocked over and laying sadly in the driveway.

your mom threw the door open and waved. you were really scared it was going to be a gas station hobo or something in a blonde wig or a cameo phoebe bridgers impersonator, but it was actually her. shiz why was she kinda..........................

"i venmoed you already right?" she asked your mom. you stood there in awe. this was even better than the time your mom actually bought you a cameo phoebe bridgers impersonator to tell you your cat died. 

"yes thank you so much." you wondered how much your mom sold you for. 

"alright let's go," phoebe said. she was wearing a skeleton onesie. how... consistent of her. 

"can i have the aux???" you asked. it was the least she could do since you were just sold on craigslist. 

"yeah sure." you decided to play eric clapton. she slammed on the breaks and grabbed your phone and chucked it straight through the windshield. then she moved the car forward a few feet and you heard the sound of glass crunching. you weren't really sure which sounds were the windshield and which were your phone.

"NEVER play eric clapton. *inhale* I HATE ERIC CLAPTON YOU LITTLE BITCH DID YOU NOT LISTEN TO MOON SONG????" 

you were in shock. she was so strong! she broke the windshield with the sheer force of the momentum of her arm and a relatively light object! why was it kinda...........

"HEY." 

"yeah my bad i did listen to it. but i thought you were sad that his baby died?" 

phoebe sighed. "yeah yeah. but that was his kid not him. i HATE eric clapton." 

"oh."

"yeah you dumbass. listen to the lyrics next time, goddamn(my pain fits in the palm of your freezing hand)."

"wait you say that too???" you asked in amazement. this was great. you had so much in common!

"obviously. taylor swift is my bestie 4 life she's coming over for dinner tonight." 

ok so maybe getting sold to phoebe bridgers wasn't as bad as you'd thought.