Trying To Maintain

T W E N T Y - F I V E

Drill

I don't know if I should be happy or nervous right now. The lockdown is over, but I haven't been called back for further questioning. So J Will didn't snitch, but that doesn't mean I'm off the hook.

People are already on edge because none of the cars were beefing and Bird's murder is way left field. There is a chance that people will point towards me from when I was mean mugging the nigga. But, people also know that sometimes in here shit like this can just happen randomly. I don't have no bad feeling or anything like that, so I really should be good.

My only regret in this whole thing is letting my emotions lead me. I was a little sloppier than I've ever been by rushing. I just didn't want to lose Tim. It's possible that he'll be losing me though. If J Will knows and told the rest of their car, it's possible I won't be living long.

But if I can live by it, I'll die by it.

I already walked with my head on a swivel given the environment, but now it's on a level ten. I'm not scared of dying, but I am scared of leaving behind my loved ones. I don't want my daughter growing up without a father.

Hell, she already missing a father in her early years. I'm not getting out until she turns five.

If I get out at this point.

I mean, it is what it is to be honest. If I die, oh well. My daughter got my family that can stand in place of me in my absence. My baby Tim on the other hand is a different story.

As stubborn as his ass is, he might fuck around and flash out for real. I don't want him to not get out, nor do I want him to go through life being sad and depressed. I know he's not going to talk to anyone about what he is going through, and that will lead to piss poor decisions.

Plus he said he feels like it's his fault that Bird is dead. It's not. I know for sure he'll feel fucked up if I backdoor and die for killing Bird.

I know he would because even though he's the one that asked me for a break, he has been up under me.

I don't say anything if he doesn't; and he doesn't talk to me at all. I just stay quiet when he comes and tucks himself up under me. Unfortunately, there hasn't been any sex. It definitely doesn't make or break our relationship for me, but I miss having it.

I haven't busted a nut since the day before Bird died.

I understand us not talking, I can even deal with him not wanting to be up under me. But no sex? I don't understand it. I respect him enough not to try and act on my desires, but I don't see how he can go this long without fucking. But again, if he chooses no more sex at all, I think I'd be able to settle for kissing and cuddling.

I mean, it could be because we've been on the lockdown and he can't prepare the way he wants to? Hell I don't know.

I would ask him, but I told him I'd give him his space. Therefor, I don't initiate anything at all. Conversation included.

I know he about to break soon though. This man been humping me in his sleep. I haven't done anything to make him want to fuck. All I do is wrap my arms around him when he comes to cuddle with me. We going to get past this.

"What it do, Zoe?" I ask as I walk into his cell to clap him up.

"Ain't shit." He answers before gesturing me to have a seat on his bunk. "Your peoples hit the toy." He lets me know that my family called the phone he has.

"Thank you for letting me know." I dap him up.

"I ordered you one by the way. Your pops was texting and was like 'whoever this is, get my son one'," he laughs a little bit.