very normal (not weird at all) modern TKAM fanfic (very normal)(not weird)

chapter 8: a rainy day

It was a rainy day. Atty was working from home in his office but he got distracted and was taking some buzzfeed quizzes about what type of cheeseburger he would be based on his disney movie preferences. While Atticus was taking buzzfeed quizzes, all the kiddies were playing parcheesi. They used real cheese because Dill insisted. They only had provolone but Dill didn't mind. Jem was off to the side reading wattpad fanfics and imagining it was him and mayella.
At lunch, atticus made the kiddies some grilled cheese (dill only ate the cheese). Francis got mad because he didnt like grilled cheese so he went off to his room (in a cupboard in the kitchen) and looked woefully at his chest tattoo while thinking about his bf, cecil. He snapped a picture of the darkness to Cecil tagged even in the darkness my rainbow colors shine through.
Suddenly the door swung open and thunder crashed outside. Lightning lit up the figure in the doorway and IT WAS BOB! He staggered inside, smelling of cotton candy vape and whiskey. "YOU!!" he screamed, "YOU KISSED MY GIRL!" he pointed at Jem, who was rethinking his life decisions.
"Your girl? Buddy, ur her dad."
"We're a-gonna get married and carry on the bloodline and have beautiful kiddies. Much more beautiful than you ugly stinkin finches."
Atticus emerged from his office (he was taking another buzzfeed quiz, this time it was which harry potter character are you most like based on your favorite ariana grande songs). "BOB!" he yelled. "What are you doing here, you slimy pig? Get away from my offspring!"
"Your jeremy has been tryna get with my girl. Im gonna have him PAY."
    "Jem is 12 and going through some changes right now. You know how it is when boys hit that time, Bob. Don't fault him, he just thinks shes hot. Idk why though, she aint."
    Bob threw his bottle o whiskey at atticus. "YOUU TAKE THAT BACK! Mayella's S ,T D s are only for ME, not you stinky finches. You hear me?"
    Jem didn't know what that meant but it sounded enticing. "Well, I want some of em too! Why cant I have em, Atticus??"
    "Havent you taken 6th grade health class yet, son?"
    "Naw. i skipped that period cause my friends told me it was weird and they talked about pps...."
    Bob interrupted. "Ill leave your stinkin family alone, atty, if you FIGHT ME. like a MAN."
    'But atticus, why cant i have mayellas socially transmittable desires???" jem begged.
    "Will you shut up?" Bob screamed. He stepped on jem's toe on purpose. "Just fight me and quit acting like a CHILD!"
    Just then, a cloaked figure stood in the doorway. He was very tall and thin, hunched over like a bagel. "Hey, boo" Scout said from the corner. "What brings you here?"
    Boo barely whispered back, "bobby. I desire..."
    "HE HAS THE S T D!" Jem yelled, "I WANT IT. GIVE IT TO ME, OLD MAN. IT'S FOR ME AND MAYELLA" Jem lunged at boo and broke his legs again. They snapped like a twig. "WHERE IS IT? WHERE DO YOU KEEP IT? ATTICUS, WHERE CAN I FIND THEM??"
    Atticus pulled Jem who was being rabid away from poor boo. "Jem, let's go have a talk upstairs. Okay?"
    Jem wiped a tear from his face. "Ok..."
    It was just Boo, Bob, Scout, and Dill (francis was having a heated facetime call with cecil in the cupboard). Boo managed to slither over to bob and started kissing his shoes. "Bob....." he muttered. "I love thee..."
    Bob was confused but he gave in to Boo, "I thank you, thy shoe shiner. You do gods work" Boo began licking the shoes and was acting much like the leech on scouts arm (he was still there). Bob encouraged him.
    "Bobby..may i lick your face?" boo pleaded quietly.
    "Sorry bud, only my beautiful mayella can do that to me."
    Boo did not care. He knocked bob off his feet and began licking his face. "Ur face is so dirty, bobby. I love dirt. It soothes me."
    "GET OFF ME, YOU... YOU... NINNYHAMMER!!" Bob howled. Just then, Atticus and Jeremy emerged from the stairs.
    "So....thats how babies are made?"
    "Yes, son."
    "And... you did that?"
    "Y-yes, son."
    "And... thats what an S T D is?"
    "Yes, son. And you dont want one."
    "Idk, if it was from mayella maybe."
Everyone watched as Boo dragged Bob out the door and down the street. "Daddy??" Boo screeched. The door of his house opened and Nathan helped bring Bob inside. The door was deadbolted closed and Bob was not heard from for days. Atticus closed the door slowly and wiped the water from the floor. All the kids stared at him and he smiled.
"Got that taken care of :)" he said gleefully. "Now, wheres francis?"
    Jem winged open the cupboard door and Francis was pretending to makeout with his pillow. He wrote Cecil in big letters across it. He stopped once the blinding light hit him. "Oh" he said, "heheh I- i was cleaning my pillow" he shuffled out from the cupboard and only when he was out did the rest of them notice a small hole in the pillow.
"He must store his money in there" scout said before slamming the door closed.Jem, newly educated on some.... things, eyed his father suspiciously.
Atticus was trying to keep a straight face when he responded to Scout, "Yes, scouty, that's what it's for. Absolutely. Now run along and finish your game of parcheesi."
    When scout left, Jem sprinted over to atticus and whispered, "DAD! That hole is NOT for money, I know it. I have one too... its for when Francis..."
    "That's enough jem." Atticus went to the living room to see Scout weeping on the floor in horror.
    "Atticus!!!" she sceeched.
    "Yes?"
    "Dill showed me how to play FNAF and its really scary :(" Dill looked guiltily at Atticus with his freddy fazbear tshirt on and "YOU DIED" in big red letters on the screen.
    "I just wanted to show her how hot chica was..." He pouted.
    "Didnt i tell u no more chica for a week, dilliam?"
    "Youre not my dad!!!!!!!!!" dill yelled and stormed off to his shared room with Jem. When he was gone, atticus sat scout down on the couch.
    "Come here scout, imma show you how a REAL man plays fnaf."