very normal (not weird at all) modern TKAM fanfic (very normal)(not weird)

chapter 3: the finches go to market basket :)

   After scout got home, attcisu realized he was low on double a batteries and planned a family trip to market basket, a place full of wonder and joy. They hopped in their beatup minivan with one of those cringey stickers on the back of your family but it was just a dude and two kids. Also one of the stickers said student driver (atticus found it in a trashcan on the side of the road and found it quite lovely). In the car atty started playing his tunes which was one direction and charlie puth. "You turn me on like a lightswitch!!!!" he was singing. Scout was covering her ears and jem was trying not to imagine mayella (8---). You turn ME on like a lightswitch, Mayella Ewell, he thought. Jems seatbelt was trying to contain the growing...."hey jem" said atticus looking in the rearview mirror "you know mayella told me today she's into mrs. dubose" jem was saddened but he continued to sing along with charlie "you turn me on like a lightswitch" he muttered through forming tears.
Finally they pulled into market basket. As soon as they stepped out of the car atticus noticed an oh so familiar vehicle plastered in trump 2024 stickers and anti vax propaganda. "Oh heavens to betsy," he muttered. "Looks like were gonna be getting into some trouble." inside market basket was cool idk. Scout found a nice ham and asked if they could get it. Atty said no. he was a vegetarian. Scout settled for some nice healthy asparagus.
They kept walking around until they ran into bobby with mayella by his side. She was crying like she usually did. "ATTICUS!!!!!!!!!" bob yelled. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE???????"
"I am purchasing some double a batteries and asparagus, Bobby."
"Why dont u buy meat like a real man???????"
"Idk."
Meanwhile, jem was staring in awe at mayella. She was so pretty. She looked like she could be a stereotypical teen mom with the stuff she wore, but jem was in awe. Anyway bob was still being a jerk. "YOU WANNA FIGHT ME HUH??????"
"Nah. not really. The last time i went to the gym was only saturday. You'd have to give me a lil while"
Suddenly dill was behind scout with a massive gash in his head. "Scout" he pouted, "i ran into the cheese"
     "I know just the thing" said scout, "follow me" they ran to the toothpaste aisle and tore open a package of "feminine hygiene products", and plastered one onto dill's forehead.
"here, a bandaid" said scout "atticus uses those all the time but i think he likes the ones for p p leaks cuz he old"
Meanwhile jem was in the cucumber aisle trying to compare his to the other ones. Feeling confident, he went back to mayella and took her hand. "Hey bb girl," he said. "Are u google? Cause ur everything ive been searching for ;)"
"What is google"
Jem immediately knew it was a lost cause. "Nevermind bb. U like a strong handsome man??"
"No"
"Well look no further. Id say a 7 year age gap aint that much, huh? when im 18 just think about all the possibilities......."
"I don't know how old i am lol"
"Oh. ok. Do you like five nights at freddys"
"What's that"
"Big scary and animal people."
"My dad?" just as she said those words she heard bob spit on atty.
"Yeah yeah i think so" said jem, oblivious to common sense
"Oh. ok cool anyway arent u in like 2nd grade"
Jem then proceeded to cry like a little baby. "ill have u know that i am in 6th grade, miss mayella. I know my times tables. have u heard of khan academy?"
"What"
"Yeah its this weird math program lol. Thats how i learned them. I got this really hard one right one time, 1x1. It was 11 or sum idk."
"Ok"
Jem was interrupted by bob ewell pretending to have a seizure on the floor while atticus was calling security. They showed up with a rifle and beer in their hands, high as a kite and pretending to help bob. Atticus stood off to the side continuing his 8 ball game with his best buddy tom (who was in prison rip). He then noticed dill and scout were missing and found them torturing the lobsters in the seafood part of market basket. "Didnt i teach u to treat everyone as equal, scout??" he yelled
"Lobsters are ugly though :("
"That is very rude of you to say. Look at him. He looks so polite and innocent. What a beauty. What harm is he doing to you?"
"Idk hes just ugly lol."
"Young lady, that is not acceptable to say. Lobsters are our equals."
Suddenly atticus got a notification on his phone. He had lost 8 ball with tom. He began to silently weep. He had failed as a parent and a game pigeon master. It was time to go home. He figured that he needed therapy now. Collecting his children (and dill who was still injured by the cheese) he returned to his ugly lil minivan while bob ewell screamed slurs at him from the parking lot. Their eventful trip had come to an end.