Let's Pretend We're Numb

Ch. 28

Jasmine

I stand outside of Jahseh's apartment and I am seriously nervous as hell. I honestly don't know how he's gonna take it and how I'm gonna take his reaction. I run a hand through my hair and knock twice, then I wait.

"Mommy's here! Mommy's here!" I can already hear Jaiden, and it makes my heart soar. The locks on the door turn and click, and it opens to reveal Jahseh standing there smiling down at Jaiden in his arms who's already hanging halfway out the door to get to me.

"Mommy!"

"Jaiden!" I cheer back, and grab him, bombarding him with so many kisses.

"I've missed my big boy!" I say, and ruffle his hair. He smiles cheekily at me and I look up at Jahseh who is staring at me.

"You coming in?" He asks and I nod.

"We need to talk." I press my lips in a thin tight line and ignore his smirk.

"Aight, come in." He holds the door open wider and I walk in, then set Jaiden down.

"Go play for a bit while me and daddy talk." I kiss his head and he runs off obediently, leaving us alone.

"So, what's up?" He sits on the couch and I walk over too, and take a seat on the one across from him. I rub my arms nervously and look into his eyes as I open my mouth and wait for the words to come out.

"I finally made my decision." I say softly and his brows raise.

"You did?" He leans forward and I nod.

"I've decided that I would love to have a family with you, Jaiden and I, but I'm scared. So scared that you will get to that point again and get tired of the same thing and leave. I can't always be worried and living in fear, Jahseh..." I trail off and he groans.

"Jasmine-"

"No." I say softly then close my eyes.

"I've decided that I want to be with Kentrell. I'm sorry Jahseh, but I can't keep clinging onto some fucked up fantasy relationship with you that's never gonna happen."

Once I get the words out, I open my eyes to see him staring at me with a hard expression on his face.

Uh oh...

"So, that's it? We're just done? We have a son together, but you're gonna give up a whole and real family for some fuck nigga who's single with a kid!?" He snaps, and I scoff.

"Me and Kentrell can have a family as real as a fucking biological family, Jahseh! I don't need you to have a family that makes me happy!" I snap back at him, and he grits his teeth.

"What is Jaiden gonna think when Kentrell starts coming around more than me and maybe even starts living with you two? Then what?" He growls and I shrug.

"He'll understand once I explain it to him the best way I can."

"What? By telling him that his daddy wasn't shit and not good enough for his mommy-"

"Jahseh, just fucking STOP!" I shout, and feel tears threaten to fall. He stands up and walks over to me.

"Just admit it, Jasmine. You don't think I'm good enough. I was never good enough." He tilts his head and I breathe quickly, trying not to cry.

"It has nothing to do with that, it's just that you aren't ready, and I am-"

"I am ready."

"NO YOU'RE NOT! STOP LYING TO ME AND YOURSELF!" I scream, and then jump up too.

"You're so stuck in some bullshit in your mind, thinking that you want a family? You don't. You were born to be a player for life, Jahseh. Admit it, you can't handle commitment." I look at him sadly, and he pants angrily.

"Commitment? Jasmine, I've been committed to you and Jaiden for four fucking years!" He exclaims, and I laugh dryly.

"BECAUSE HE'S YOUR SON! But you know, you have a choice in that too. I gave you the opportunity to walk out... and it's always here for you to take." I say honestly and he laughs.

"And why do you think I didn't take it back then? I obviously wanted something to happen, but you were always so guarded-"

"You didn't want to get hurt-"

"But I still did!" I croak, remembering back to the vacation when he shattered my heart and feelings for him.

"You ruined anything we could have had, Jahseh. You ruined the chances of a 'real' family, as you say, that we could have had. Stuck in your high school player ways." I walk towards the door and grab Jaiden's bag, then I choke out in a random sob and start crying. He sees this as a weak spot, and comes over to me and rubs my arms gently.

"Shh Jasmine, don't cry." He whispers, and holds my face. I cry harder and shake my head.

"Don't touch me." I whimper, but he grabs my face and looks deep into my eyes.

How badly I use to always want to wake up to these beautiful brown eyes and how much I wanted to constantly melt into them whenever he said he loved me.

"Jasmine..." He whispers.

"I was trying-"

"No." I mumble and try to push away from him, but he holds me to him and leans down planting his lips on mine and kissing me gently. It takes all the power in me not to kiss back and I don't.

I want Kentrell.

As hard as it is not to give into Jahseh, I want Kentrell. Jahseh is just very good at what he does.

He should e awarded an Oscar.

"Don't ever kiss me again." I wipe my lips and he groans.

"Jasmine-"

"I don't ever want to have this conversation again. Me and you are nothing but parents to the same child. I will make sure we will always stay friends or whatever the hell you want to be. I'm done falling for your manipulative tricky ways and lies. My heart is so fucked up because of you, but still by some miracle, this wonderful man is agreeing to take me on, on top of his own fucked up situation and put his hard work and time on me, to fix something you ruined!" I cry out, and for the first time through all the arguments we've had...

He truly looks torn.

"I'm so sorry." He whispers, and I sniffle.

"You should be... JAIDEN! TIME TO GO!" My voice cracks horribly, and I watch as Jaiden comes out of the room with a sad expression on his face.

He was listening to us.

"Ready?" I sniffle and he nods.

"Bye daddy." He says softly, and I lean down, scoop him up and quickly throw myself out of Jahseh's apartment.

"See you later, Jai!" Jahseh calls out down the hall after us, and I keep walking without looking back.

That was painful to be honest to myself.

I never knew letting the feelings go for Jahseh could be that hard. I must have been denying them for so long, but it's good I got it out.

I can't bring myself this broken and hurt back to Kentrell for him to clean up.

I get back to the car and quickly strap Jaiden in, then I climb in and rest my head against the steering wheel. After a couple of minutes of silence, Jaiden speaks.

"Mommy, can we go play with Noah and Kentrell?" He asks softly, and I look up and look at myself in the rear view mirror.

I can't let Kentrell see me like this, especially not because of Jahseh. He'll see how hard it was for me to let him go and then doubt my feelings for him, but what Kentrell won't understand is that this painful break down is a good thing, but then again, the saying that goes along with this is one that is so painfully perfect and true...

'The hardest part of letting go, is finally realizing that there wasn't much to hold on to.'

I was never holding onto anything...

jay-the-girl