Can we choose the way to rediscover the pleasure of living, without appearing selfish? This is a story about rebirth, but it is also about the uniqueness of love.
Anna Julia is a 33-year-old married young Brazilian woman. Her profession is Civil Eng...
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Tuesday, the penultimate day of my life.
I woke up tired again, same face, different nightmares. This time they were dreams. We were at the top of a building, the view was beautiful, but unknown to me. He was looking at me intensely, as Victor never did. His countenance was serious and his eyes were full of admiration. My heart was racing, like a teenager. The soft-touch of his hands on my skin made me ecstatic. We just stared at each other for a long time, until I woke up.
I got out of bed, not stopping thinking about the young man and the dream for a single minute. That feeling when you dream about something and don't want to wake up. For a brief moment, I felt guilty again, as if I was somehow betraying Victor. I felt ridiculous too. A person of my age, in good conscience, does not fantasize about a romance with a boy who could be my son. No, this is not an exaggeration, I'm turning 33 and a lot of girls around here have kids at 13. The difference should be exactly his age, I calculated. In reality, it all seemed crazy, just a young boy in a dream. Someone I didn't even know if he existed.
When I got to the office, I was so distracted that I still don't know how I did it, I went online and looked up those sites that interpret dreams. What I found were the following "explanations":
"A strange man in a woman's dream is an autonomous unconscious energy that allows her to understand herself better."
"Woman who dreams of a man repeatedly: temptation and unsatisfied desire."
The other sentences were either very close or much more fanciful. I confess that the second one caught my attention. Could it be an excess of Endorphins and Serotonin? I decided to do the most logical thing since the situation was driving me crazy, I looked for a number in the list and made an appointment with a psychologist (little did I know that this would be the beginning of long visits to these professionals), after all, I needed to solve this situation before I ended up in a mental hospital. I am a woman of science and I could not let myself be led astray by such nonsense.
The sound of the door creaking, the result of dried-out hinges, which I need to fix, transported me to reality. With the broad smile that has made many a girl fall in love, Victor burst into ecstasy.
— Baby, how are you? Better? — Victor had been following my recent nightmares and bouts of insomnia, obviously unaware of their specific content. — Maybe the news I bring will at least help make your day better. — He releases the words as he turns my chair around, bends down, and rests his hands on my leg.
— Hi, I'm feeling fine, just tired, probably from sleep deprivation. But I am already making arrangements for a doctor's appointment. — For the moment I just omitted the type of professional I am looking for, I cannot imagine a rational conversation with my husband about what I am experiencing. — But, so what? — I speak with feigned interest. — What is the wonderful news?
— The investors we met yesterday liked the project and the direction we proposed for the land in the Center. They are going to close a partnership with the office. — He was so happy with yet another professional achievement that he began to walk around the room babbling plans and prospecting the work. Honestly, it was good, so he didn't notice my total lack of interest.
— That's nice, honey. — I said, forcing a smile. — Now it's up to you, do the prospecting and the contract. I'll ask you to take over on your own so I can go to my appointments and rest a bit before I start detailing the project with the team.
— Sure, no problem. — Victor replied, giving me a fatherly kiss on the forehead and leaving the room. — Lunch today? Contemporâneo Lapa? What do you think to celebrate?
— Victor, sorry. I've already made an appointment with my mother. — When did I start lying like this? — Is it a problem to schedule this celebration for later? — Victor was still staring at me. The exhaustion of sleepless nights was making me look sick.
He looked at me for a moment, but nodded with a sketchy smile, without much desire. I wasn't proud, but I needed the day to myself. I was beginning my quest to find and restore my sanity. It would, in the end, be good for both of us. I closed my notebook, put it away in my purse, grabbed my keys, and left, without saying goodbye to anyone. Hiding behind my sunglasses, I tried not to look sideways or make eye contact. I guess today I was the essence of the word antisocial. All I needed was solitude and silence.
It was after 1 pm when I looked to the side and realized that I was walking along the shore of the Rodrigo de Freitas Lagoon. Hours passed by without me having any perception of time and space. What was the meaning of everything that was happening to me? The nightmares and dreams tormented me and the sleep deprivation left me exhausted, but not only that..., I gradually felt depressed, as if I was blind. There was disturbing darkness that gradually grew, an emptiness settled in my soul, a terrible silence enveloped me. I was alone, I was incomplete. I was surprised to realize that the stranger who inhabited my mind and dreams brought me comfort. Thinking of his eyes, his touch, his kiss, transported me to a place of peace. I needed a psychiatrist. I realized that perhaps, in my case, psychologists were not enough.
At that time, I still hadn't eaten anything. I didn't feel hungry, only thirsty. I bought coconut water, sat down, and closed my eyes. For the moment I only wanted to hear the sounds outside and not my thoughts. I took a deep breath, the air invaded my lungs. Chero-queros emitted sounds warning passers-by of the presence of their chicks. Random conversations, cyclists, children, traffic... A complete urban symphony, consolidated with a prelude, interlude, and postlude.
A colorful ball and its little owner broke my trance. The pure smile full of possibilities with little upper windows warmed my heart and made me reciprocate. On the other side, I noticed a still figure looking at me, I turned away from the little one, but I couldn't see anyone else, it had to be my imagination or even hallucinations. The result of many hours without sleep. I looked at the clock, I needed to get back. I got up without feeling like it, but at least a little refreshed.
