Elisabeth: one soul, two lives (English Version)

Chapter 1: First life?

"What is the moment that determines who or what we are? I became who I am at the age of thirty-three, in August 2008, because this is the day I went back to my eighteen years old."

Monday I woke up tired, another night of nightmares, the same unknown face wrapped in blood. I am a good physiognomist and if I had seen it somewhere before, I would remember. I had been having the same dreams for months. I opened my eyes unwillingly, my head was throbbing. I stared at the ceiling of the room. It was very hot and I don't like heat, at least I was safe in my room. I was interrupted from my hypnosis when I heard a noise next to the bed, a smile, and my husband saying good morning.

I got married at the right time, according to the average. I graduated, enjoyed my youth, and always preserved my individuality. But despite having a comfortable life and a man that many people considered perfect, something was missing. Something I recognized in that face of my dreams, but it was someone younger, much younger than me. Maybe it was my biological clock telling me that it was the right time for motherhood. I decided to leave the speculations aside and work, which is something I do very well. To conquer space in engineering, as a woman, was not an easy task. But I managed and I am proud of it.

A normal day... ongoing projects, works on or off schedule. I had lunch with friends and dinner with investors and Victor, who besides being my husband is also my partner. We opened the office together and divide the macro functions, he is an administrator, so he takes care of the bureaucracies and finances, while I am in charge of the projects and physical works. I loved Victor when we got married, but nowadays I am confused about everything. I keep asking myself if love exists or is it just another creation of mankind to have hope in the cold capitalist society in which we live, or even worse, a creation of this same society to move the economy on commemorative dates.

Victor and I had a stable relationship, there were rarely any arguments - except about business. When we met at USP, University of São Paulo, at a medical school freshman party, it was an immediate attraction, there was passion. Our relationship started fast and the feelings evolved in the same way. The passion gave way to complicity, trust, friendship and, I imagine, to love. After some time working in the corporate world, we decided to become partners, it seemed a natural process and I confess that it works better than our extinct romantic relationship.

My reflections about the fact that we are together most of the time, sharing offices, decisions, lunches, and the like, were not one of the reasons for our apparent estrangement. I make an analogy of the facts as a video game, where I am just going through the phases, but on automatic. What we have is similar to what I have with my good friends, with only one difference... sex. And not every day, every hour. This is a romantic vision that only when you are a teenager do we glimpse. Adult life extinguishes our utopias, including the myth of "making love". Those who think like this end up sharing their partner with the secretary who has sex. Sometimes I catch myself thinking that I wish it were different.

All these concerns brought up in my chest a huge feeling of guilt. After all, we had so many things in common, so many victories, moments, stories, and tender memories that it was absurd for me to feel incomplete. Victor took care of me, just as I took care of him. It was something we did mutually. According to my mother, nothing more than the reciprocity of generous love. The only possible solution would be to seek help and get out of the crisis I was experiencing in the best way possible.