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Jabari

Wednesday Evening

Today was the first and probably the LAST time all after school activities were canceled. No football even, would you look at God? Mama never cancels practice, so I'm sure those troublemakers were on a high. Anything to get away from cuts. I hope they're enjoying their small vacation.

I was happy at first I had the whole afternoon to myself to do whatever..I wanted. From four o'clock until. It was strange. I can't remember the last time I came straight home from school with this much time on my hands. Since I was small I was always doing SOMETHING. Peewee ball, little league, ymca, performing arts, church, vbs, community service, you name it I was doing it. I didn't know any kid more booked and busy than myself. Mama never wanted us to be the kids that did absolutely nothing and she succeeded. It's practically engrained in me to be active in some way. Now you see my issue here. God, is this what it was like to have absolutely nothing to do?!? This shit is outrageous. I was getting less and less happy about it as I dreaded time.

Eventually I started doing laps around the house, up and down halls, sliding down the stair railing. Which, was way too much fun for a period of time. Until I busted my ass and decided enough was enough. I forgot I needed my arms and legs for a second.

I was lying to myself thinking maybe I was gonna find something worth meddling in or mysterious in the house I'd only spent my whole life in. Trust there was disappointment after opening every closet and peeking into every cranny with no avail. I wasn't looking for anything I just reached a new high of boredom. I peaked into Hakeem's and Radijah's rooms only once because I knew if I lingered, I was gonna be in a sad mood. It sucks enough I can't physically touch them. I get in their beds sometimes. I miss them.

See, here I go.

Anyway..I got tired of all that and found myself laying on the damn rug in our den eating popcorn. I had to watch myself though, a single crumb in this den and I will need to order my casket in a Mississippi minute. I'm not supposed to eat in here, but my boredom is turning into rebelliousness, which I'm no stranger to. Wendy knows that. I also had to limit myself on the snacking, the pantry was full and I didn't hesitate to go in it for no reason at all. I wasn't even hungry, I'm just eating shit. I needed to stop because just this one day of pigging out was gonna catch up with me tomorrow. Eating junk shows on the field and I'm not interested in humiliating myself again. So I stopped. What came next? Only pondering what I could do until I lay down and go to sleep. Didn't have homework, I hated doing it so I finish in class. No exceptions. Read a book? Shid, I'll rue the day I have to open a book willingly.

I hated reading. Diamond would curse me out every time I say that, but Ian changing it.

If I picked up my football I wouldn't be able to put it down. If I cut on some music, I'd be making stuff up until I was satisfied. It took a while for me to be satisfied. It seemed there was nothing left. So, I settled for The Loud House. I never got a chance to sit and watch cartoons like a normal child. I.E. my entire resume. Is it weird to say that I'm sorta living a fantasy right now? I don't think so. I would've loved to be sprawled on the couch on a Saturday mornin, with a bowl of cereal, fully engaged in SpongeBob. Unfortunately I didn't have that luxury. It's almost as if my childhood was stolen from me in a way. But, that really makes me the thief.

Mama gave me choices and I made them for myself. She was right to do that, I fully agree. Sometimes I wish I chose differently though. My Gramma will forever get on to her for letting me be this involved with my life.

"Why are you so free range with Bari?" she'd ask her.

Listen, we're in the south. The Deep South, where specifically, black parenting, has very little to do with how the children feel and more so how the parents feel. That was Mama's upbringing. And she's not doing it with us. She was adamant about giving us the life she didn't have.