Hidden in Your Smile | Beomjun/Yeongyu

Hidden in Your Smile

"I just noticed you've been a little...off since the start of the shoot." Soobin pressed on.

"No, I'm fine. Really." Yeonjun shrugged.

"You were also acting a little weird this morning. Sitting on your bed, just kind of staring into nothing. You know you can talk to me right?" Soobin said in a comforting manner.

So comforting that he almost told Soobin everything. Soobin was just like that, he was so caring and trustworthy. But not with something like this. Something that could potentially destroy everything they've ever worked for. So he just shook his head once more.

"I'm fine. I just want to go home." Yeonjun said before leaving Soobin by himself in the dressing room.

Soobin left Yeonjun alone after that. But he could still sense something was off. So he decided to keep an eye on him, as his leader it was Soobin's job to care for his members and put out any fires before they spread.

During the ride home Yeonjun was unusually quiet. Beomgyu was being his annoying self with him, but Yeonjun didn't react in any way. Soobin noticed that it made Beomgyu upset.

Nobody knew Yeonjun was internally fighting for his life. Nobody knew that with every touch Yeonjun felt like his heart would explode, it would beat at a pace he was sure wasn't safe. Every time Beomgyu touched him, giggled in his ear, or even just looked him in the eyes- the whole world seemed to have come to a stop. Like time had stopped running, just to give Yeonjun a moment to appreciate the sparkle in his eyes, the burn in his touch, the echo of his laugh.

It wasn't long before he cracked. And Yeonjun dreaded the day to come.

Once they got home Yeonjun was first to enter the dorm and lock himself in the bathroom. They had 2 bathrooms anyway, not like it was an inconvenience for him to have a mental breakdown.

Yeonjun leaned against the sink with an iron grip on the counter. He turned on the water and splashed his face. After turning it back off he found himself not being able to keep it in anymore.

Tears pooled in his eyes and a lump crawled up his throat, threatening to spill his sobs. Yeonjun fell to his knees, forehead pressed against the counter.

He let out his cry, body jerking with each sob.

Yeonjun didn't understand. He didn't understand why it had to be him. Why he had to be the one with feelings for someone he was supposed to love like a brother. He didn't know when it happened, at what moment his feelings for Beomgyu began to change. Hell, before this he didn't even know he wasn't straight.

He'd never felt this way towards any other guy before Beomgyu, so maybe it had nothing to do with his sexuality. Maybe it was just Beomgyu. The way he was, the way he is.

He laid down on the bathroom floor until he stopped crying.

It wasn't just the fact that they were idols that they couldn't be together, but also because the chances of Beomgyu reciprocating these feelings were almost nonexistent. He said it this morning, Yeonjun was like a brother to him. You don't have feelings for your brother, that's just not something that happens.

Yeonjun was exhausted, he hated keeping this secret. It was tearing him apart. At this point he didn't care if Beomgyu returned the feelings or not, he was just sick of keeping a secret that was killing him from the inside out. But he knew if he even said a word about it he'd lose Beomgyu all together. And he would never forgive himself if that ever happened.

For a while, he was okay with keeping his mouth shut. He thought eventually he'd forget about this silly little crush. Except it wasn't just a silly little crush, his feelings grew stronger every day. The more they grew the harder it became to keep it to himself. He felt like he would pop any second now. Like a glass under a dripping tap. It just kept dripping, and dripping, and dripping until the dome at the top finally caved and spilled everything.