In The Blink Of An Eye

I'm To Blame

I leaned down and kissed her little hand. 

Suddenly I felt Jake's hand grab my arm.  When I turned around I saw tears in his eyes. 

"Can we talk?" He asked. 

"I'm not in the mood to talk. I want to stay here with Lilli. We can talk some other time."

"Okay we can sit here then." 

And that's exactly what we did….

As Jake and I sat next to Lilli, I watched the machines work really hard to keep her well and get her back to herself as soon as possible. I hated seeing her in here. Seeing your child in pain and hurting and not being able to do anything to help them is any parent's worst fear. I have done everything in my power to protect her and keep her safe and here I was, watching my daughter connected to machines and lying on the hospital bed. I would have given anything to take her place and have her be okay. 

One thing I didn't understand is what the doctor meant by you've been coming to see her every day and you'll come again tomorrow. It was normal for a mother to spend time with her child and for me to be by her side. What didn't make any sense to me was why I didn't remember any of it. Was that what Jake wanted to talk to me about? Was that the reason for that bizarre and extra realistic nightmare? 

I had to talk to Jake and ask him what was going on because none of it made any sense to me. 

"Hey, can I ask you something?"

"Of course, honey whatever you'd like."

"What happened?"

"What do you mean?" 

"What happened? Why are we here?" 

"Do you remember us going to the doctor's office for the ultrasound?" 

"Of course I remember what kind of question is that?" 

"Do you remember anything after that?"

"Not really. Everything just went blank and when I woke up I was in here." 

"Babe I want you to listen to me very carefully but please try to remember that you already heard this story for the past four days. Keep that in mind." 

"Okay why the hell does everyone keep saying that???" 

"We were on our way to the ultrasound when we got hit by a pickup truck. The truck hit on the passenger side of the car which was the side you and Lilli were sitting on. We all got rushed to the hospital right away. I was injured pretty badly but when the ambulance and the police officers arrived I was conscious. However, you and Lilli...weren't. When we arrived at the hospital Lilli got transferred to the pediatric side of the hospital right away and you and I stayed on this side. After having a minor surgery on my arm and being tested, I was released two days later…"

"How long have Lilli and I been here?" 

"Two weeks…Lilli suffered head injuries and her lungs ruptured which required to be under a lot of supervision and monitoring…"

"Her doctor told me. I just want her to be out of here and back to herself. I hate having her in here" I said as I cried. 

"I know honey, I do too. The doctors and nurses are doing everything in their power to get her out of here as soon as possible." 

"I'm scared to ask but...what about me?" 

"Ufff" Jake exhaled as he took a deep sigh. 

"Umm…you suffered major head trauma which resulted in brain swelling and bleeding. Due to your prior injuries to your head, it just made things a lot worse. Since your brain was swelling a lot the doctors decided to put you in a medically induced coma. They did that not only because of the injuries but also because they needed to protect you from the additional stress of… oh God!!! The additional stress of…"

"The additional stress of WHAT? JUST SPIT IT OUT!" 

"Since you already had extensive damage they didn't want the stress to cause more pressure and swelling on your brain which could have killed you." 

"JAKE!!! I understand why they did it but what was the reason for the additional stress?" 

Out of nowhere I remembered the nightmare I had. Lilli was so close to passing away today and she was being called by her brother to come and join him...she was with her brother...the baby that was inside of my belly…our baby...our son!!!

"NO!!! NO! It can't be true. This isn't happening. NO! I refuse to believe it. JAKE TELL ME THAT NOTHING HAPPENED TO OUR BABY...TELL ME!" I screamed as the tears fell down my face. 

Jake just looked at me and began to cry without saying anything. He didn't have to say it, as soon as he looked at me I knew what the answer was going to be. 

"NO NO NOOO!!! THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING. NOT AFTER EVERYTHING WE HAVE BEEN THROUGH...THIS ISN'T FAIR!!!" I cried. 

"Madisyn...I am so sorry. I hate having to tell you this same story every single day and watching your reaction all over again. It's killing me! I don't know how to help you and I don't know how to make this pain go away. I don't know how to tell you the story without seeing your heart breaking in front of me over and over again." 

I placed my hand on my stomach and broke down in tears!!! 

….

Seeing Madisyn go through this for the past four days is killing me! Seeing her in so much pain as I felt helpless was tearing me apart. I was already in excruciating pain that felt like my entire soul had been set on fire that burned from the inside out. My entire body hurts! Not only did I have to pray for my wife to wake up from the coma every single day, praying that she would not have any permanent brain damage but I also had to watch and pray that Lilli wouldn't die every single day for the past two weeks. While I was grieving the loss of our baby which I couldn't even properly process due to everything else that was going on, I also had to beg God every single day that I wouldn't lose my wife and daughter as well. 

When the doctor came into the room and told me that Madisyn had lost the baby I felt my whole world come crashing down. I had waited and prayed for the day Madisyn would get pregnant and we would have a child together for as long as I can remember. It was finally here, it was a reality. I was supposed to see our baby that day, I was supposed to hear that little heart beat. Instead, here I was at the hospital not only losing our baby but not knowing if I would lose Madi and Lilli next. 

I felt like we were being punished! I asked myself a million times if I had done something horribly wrong to deserve this. I even wondered if this was happening as a punishment for Madisyn saying she didn't want to have anymore kids. 

I blamed everything and everyone… but mostly myself. 

I was driving the car. I was the one behind that steering wheel that day. I should have paid closer attention and I should have been the one going through all the pain and suffering both Madisyn and Lilli were going through right now.  I should have seen that pickup truck headed straight towards us and I should have saved them.  I have been an emotional and mental mess since the accident happened. I am trying to be strong because at the time I had no other option but to be strong. However, God knows I am breaking on the inside. If something happens to either Lilli or Madisyn I wouldn't know how to live my life. I am so scared that the next time I see any of the doctors it will be some horrible news they have to deliver to me.