Amen (discontinued)

Doubt comes in

Travis's pov:

I shuffled down the cracked  sidewalk of Nockfell's west end. I had opted out of class after what happened. Or what I did. In a fucking bathroom.

The west end was bleak. My father and I lived just blocks away (with the size of this town, it's kinda hard to live anywhere else), but it's crazy how run down the place gets so fast. The entire neighborhood looked trashed.

I passed a by particularly shitty looking house. Old blankets hung in shreds on the outsides of the windows, along with faded flags for some republican candidate that had lost like 2 years ago, and an old "NO SOLICITING" sign that had been stapled to the hole-filled screen door. In short, it was a horrific reminder of what Nockfell does to things. Makes them old and run down and tired.

The whole place reminded me of myself. Broken and ugly and torn up on the outside, and probably just as fucked within.

I couldn't believe myself. I didn't just let it happen this time, I told him to. I wanted it. Dad was right about me.

How the fuck was I supposed to go back to him after this?

How was I supposed to look him in the eye?

How did I ever expect him to love me again?

I shook the thoughts out of my head and kept walking. I'd cross that bridge when I came to it, I guess. I tried to direct my brain elsewhere.

I don't know why god insists on making everything he wants us to do feel so fucking bad. I've read the Bible front to back, I've memorized verses, I take notes in church, and I pray the rosary every single night. I do everything right and I'm still so tired. I'm still so over doing this everyday.

God wants dad to hit me. It says so in the Bible over and over. From proverbs to Leviticus. So why does it feel so shitty?

God wants us to make sacrifices to him. So why do I see those poor goat's eyes every time I try and sleep?

God wants me to love a woman. He wants me to lay with her only to carry on our bloodline and populate the earth with more devourers. So why does everything with Sal feel so right?

I hear so much about this loving almighty god, but why would he do this if he... if he were real.
Could the church be... wrong?

My heart sunk. I felt like I was gonna vomit.
No, no, he has to be real. If he wasn't everything that I've done, all the people I've hurt, would be for nothing. Everything dad does would be for nothing. That can't- it can't be a lie, right? It can't.

But if it isn't then why would god let all this shit keep happening?

My steps became faster and heavier, eventually picking up into a sprint. I didn't know where I was going. I didn't care. I just needed to get away. Far away.

Too bad I couldn't outrun my fucked up brain.

(Sorry 4 the short chapter, but I thought it was better than nothing.)