Repentance (h.s)

Prequel.

There isn't a distinctive memory that I possess, to my knowledge, where I felt truly happy.

There is a wide range of feelings that circulate through my being every single day; anger, frustration, content, love, sadness.

The list goes on but it never contains happiness.

Nor did it contain fear.

The number of situations that I encounter every day never make me feel happy or fearful.

I may feel content or panic, but never happiness or fear.

Until I met her.

I fear losing her.

I fear her slipping out of my grasp and disappearing forever, leaving my soul empty, parched, and crying out for a single drop of her to enter my system. I couldn't comprehend the thought of her vanishing; the concept of her disappearing at my hand makes my stomach drop and my toes curl knowing that it could possibly be my doing that makes her vanish.

My blood runs cold at the thought.

There would never be a way that I could forgive myself if her smile never lit up a room again or her if her eyes never crinkled when that same smile etched onto her lips.

I knew that we were walking a fine line.

I knew that the clock was ticking; each painful second flashing by in the blink of an eye, yet at the same time, seeming so painstakingly slow that I begin to wonder whether or not I'm actually consciously present at all when I'm around her.

When I try and articulate the level of adoration I have for her, it comes across like I'm articulating my muse of what constitutes the perfect woman, but she truly is the most sublime angel I've ever had the pleasure to encounter. Her whole aura is the most breathtaking thing.

You have to experience it.

You truly do.

Losing her.

Fear.

Adoring her.

Happiness.

To lose and deviate away from that balance makes my skin crawl to the point where I feel like I am dying to break out of my own skin and just live in another body.

I love her. I love her. I love her.

I love her beyond the realm of my own consciousness; I transcend well beyond my own consciousness when I'm in her presence and feel as if I am blind-sighted by my love for her.

I never used to believe in love.

I never used to believe in fear.

I never used to believe in happiness.

Now I experience all the combined three.

I would die for her.

I have no desire to live for her, for me doing so would only taint her existence more, so therefore I shall die for her.

That is my testament.

That is my repentance.