DEAR YOU [Part 2]

Chapter 26

Coraline

I was about to leave the house when I heard a noise, the sound of television channels changing.

“Mom?” I left the door mid-open and quickly removed my shoes.

“In the living room.”

It was a Wednesday evening which meant it was her day off. Before my dad died, they had a little ritual for each day off. They would go out every Wednesday and walk through the streets of different places discovering new places to eat at and then they would order the most expensive dish on the menu. No matter what, they always did the same thing every week. It was kind of adorable, the amount of love they had for each other even after so many years of marriage.

I couldn’t begin to imagine what she went through after his death, maybe because I was too busy picking myself up each second and failing terribly at it.
Maybe that was the reason she got so sour.

“What is it Cora?” she turned around from the couch she was currently buried in. Her whole body was covered with a woven fleece throw which adopted itself to her body shape.

I thought for a second before walking closer to her and letting myself pick a peice apart from the wall I had up. Just so I could let one thought out.

I was about to do it, i was about to tell her what happened that night. I lied to Mark before, never told my mom. But the reason was true, it wasn’t that she thought I was asking for attention but it was me who did so. Maybe I had over reacted to what happened that night. Maybe he didn’t mean to do what he did. Maybe it was normal.

As this feeling grew more strong and more prominent, as the claws of the emotion dug deeper in the walls of my heart as it made its way to my mouth, i stopped.
The memory of Mark bawling flashed before my eyes and the blue ink which expressed what my anonymous friend thought reminded me of itself.

I moved half a foot closer to where she sat. One more step and that one brick I had removed in order to get that one thought out,  caused the rest of the bricks to tremor and one by one, all of them broke down causing the entire wall to come toppling down.

Mom abrubtly stood up, all the contents lying on her lap fell down helplessly on the floor.

“Are you okay honey?”

It had been so long since I ever heard the word honey come out of her mouth. I missed that.

“I-i ne” the words couldn’t come out of my mouth.
How do I even begin to say it and what if she didn’t react the way I wanted her to? What if she thought it was my fault, what if the thousand reasons that could go wrong.

I pushed down all the thoughts with all the strength left in me and finally, with moisture in my eyes, i talked.

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I hated the way my left index finger always shook uncontrollably whenever I was in an uneasy sitaution. It was as if my heart was begging my mind to get it removed from the situation and as a result of their disagreement, my whole body trembled of pain.

I felt a soft warm touch as my mother covered my entire hand with hers, our fingers interlocking. I didn’t feel alone anymore.

“you can do this Cora.” I heard the friendly voice of Mark who was sitting in the backseat of the car.

We were stagnant in front of the police station, waiting for me to gather up enough power to go in and tell the officer everything that happened, something I should have done long ago.

---

“I know I used to say that nothing matters, that no matter how many people were around me i always felt alone and scared. Like i was stranded in a desert with a single telephone booth and I could call for help, but who do I call?

Today, I knew who. I did something I never thought I could and it felt liberating.
It’s not that I hadn’t gotten used to the cold unsympathetic walls around me but its absence surely made more room for fresher warmer air.

I always used to wonder why cant I talk to my mom about anything, even when she wants nothing but the best for me but it is now that I realize that it was because she never let me see her soft side, the side which was weak and cracked just like everyone else, it got me to believe that she didn’t have one but she does. Everyone does. Its time you show them yours.

You can be wrong, you make mistakes and you are human.

Sour.”

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