DEAR YOU [Part 2]

Chapter 18

Elliot

“Ellie would you like to have something to eat? It has been days since you ate properly.”

“No mom I’m fine.”

I rushed up the stairs and banged the door shut behind me.
My life has been a steaming pile of mess for the past few days, everything has been such a blur and I don’t know what to do, still don’t.
I can not get my mind to decide one simple thing, even if I start to consider the fact that I may be, I get overwhelmed and an over powering feeling clouds my judgment and it’s been so long since I felt like my self, my thoughts are strangled.

In addition to all of that, I have hurt the two people I care about the most. The last time I talked to any of them was when I came back from that damn trip and both of them deserve better, better than me.

Despite knowing that fact, why can’t I get myself to admit it. Why is there a staggering feeling in my mind that people would stop recognizing me or that I’ll change.

I lost grip of the bag and allowed myself to fall face down on the bed. All the energy drained out of my body as soon as it touched the white sheets.

---

My left eye slowly opened as I heard a familiar voice, a used to be familiar voice. I opened the shades and saw Matt skating outside. My body froze, sheer stark terror seized me but my mind knew what to do, it knew just what I had to do.

I raced down the stairs and out the door with no jacket and no proper shoes. The adrenaline made me ignore the fact that it was chilling outside but I didn’t care. I hurried towards him, out of breath.

“El” he seemed more shocked than I was.
I can understand why, you wouldn’t expect a person who tried to kiss you and then gave you a cold shoulder for a week to come running towards you but that’s me.

“No, please don’t say anything. I just want you to listen. Please Matt.” I stabilized myself in front of him.

He nodded his head slightly.

“I am sorry Matt. I am sorry for everything, for trying to kiss you without thinking of how it might affect you and for freezing you out. I didn’t know what to do or what to say, this is new to me. Infact I don’t even know if it is me. My mind is disarray right now and I’m confused about everything but Matt.” I paused to catch my breath.
“The one thing I’m not confused is about the fact that I don’t want to hurt anyone, especially you.
If you take away anything from this, just know that I care about you and you are so much more than a guy I made out with in a bathroom, I think I might even lik-”

This whole time Matt kept looking down, tracing a circle with his feet but suddenly he looked up, his eyes heavy with tears.

“Don’t” he barely said. “Please go away Elliot.”

I stood there, shocked and heartbroken. To see him cry, that broke my heart and I couldn’t ignore that anymore. I couldn’t ignore this fact anymore and I don’t want to. If only there was an easier way to do this, my whole body ached.

I needed someone to talk to, I couldn’t handle this anymore alone.

Slowly, I retraced my steps back to my room. On the table, I saw the letter.
There is a person out there I can talk to, who doesn’t know me and who won’t judge me. This is everything I want right now.
I picked up a pen.

__________________________________________________