back on track

54. the one with a lot to talk about

"Hungry anyone?" I finally made myself known and soon enough we were all sitting around the table that was way too small to this many people but we made it work. The casual conversation carried through the dinner. We talked about the things we had done during my internship, leaving certain parts out for obvious reasons. Then there was, what at least it felt like a Q&A with Mick, just not with fans, only my family. Little by little the conversation took a turn to me and before I could prevent it Lando opened his mouth.

"Yeah we went karting and you should've seen the faces when we found out that Sof was actually amazing in a kart" he laughed but my whole family had stopped eating and was now staring at me and it went quiet.

"You're saying that you got her back in a kart?" my mum looked at Lando after a moment of silence. Lando nodded sensing the weird atmosphere around the table. "I never thought you would do that after breaking your back" she now turned to me and I could feel my stomach drop. She seemed a bit upset and her voice wasn't the warm and loving I had got used to. 

"Or the rejection after that" Vik pointed out and just like that everything I had kept to myself was out on the table and now it really was quiet. I leaned my face into my hands.

"She hasn't told that to anyone" Mick said quietly.

"You raced against some of them, how did that stayed in secret?" my dad let out and I cursed inside. Please tell them even more details of my life that I didn't want to come out in the open. "Wasn't it your friends brother who was in the crash with you?" I guess there was more to let out.

"Yeah, but we really don't have to talk about that" I finally opened my mouth and the mood in the room had gone down real quick. No one dared to say anything, but I could feel all the eyes on me. My mum looked like she was about to tear up to the fact that I had been driving again, like I've said before she was not a big fan. My dad was just clueless, but Vik and Mick both knew that I wasn't okay.

"I need to" I said pointing away from the table and giving a small smile to everyone before getting up from the table and walking into my room. I never went to my room anymore. I slept in the guest room when I was here, but now the gates had been already opened so why not take it all in in once.

Opening the door I pressed on the lights. I was greeted by a lot of trophies and pictures of me: racing or on podium. When I had raced I had used different name, my mum's maiden name; the same my uncle used to have. I was happy about that now, cause no one really put the dots together, except of course those who knew my back then. This wasn't a secret, just something I didn't like to talk about. I could also see the bed. It was basically a hospital bed from the time, I wasn't really able to do anything. I had broke my back in a crash with Charles' brother Arthur. It hadn't been his fault or anything, just really bad luck. I was surprised that he hadn't put the pieces together yet but then again he hadn't met me on my time in Ferrari and it was a long time ago to be fair.

He had been always one of the nice guys and a friend to me. Not everyone was and it made it even more sad that the accident had really scared him. I think the crash infected him more than me after all. I think it was after Jules had already crashed and seeing me in hospital wasn't really helping. He thought I was blaming him so he didn't contact me, which I understood and I never did that either after everything.

The accident hadn't really been the part that had broke me, well my back yes, but my passion or anything no, but the stuff that came after it. I had rehabilitated better than expected and I wanted to get back to racing, but then my sponsors walked away and even my team told me that they wouldn't take me back. To them I was too old, risky and a girl, which was ridicules. We tried to find a new team for me but it seemed like everyone agreed with my old one, so no seat for me. I had known that to be a girl in this sport would be difficult and that there would always be guys saying that girl shouldn't drive but I never thought it would go that bad. Then my uncle passed away too, in a car crash, and I gave up trying. It all felt like a sign for me to quit so I did.

Now I didn't feel that angry or bitter about it anymore. I was sad and disappointed yes, but day by day the good memories did take over the bad ones. After all there was like eight years of good ones to compare with one year of bad ones.

"Hey, can I come in?" Lando knocked on the door. I was waiting someone to come check up on me but to be honest I kind of thought it would be someone of my family.

"Yeah" I told him and he opened the door. His eyes scanned the space. "Oh wow" he let out looking around.

"Yeah well, no point hiding them anymore" I chuckled nervously. They had every right to be mad at me for lying to them. So I was not really sure what to expect.

"I wish you wouldn't have in the first place, but I get why you did" he nodded and I sighed in relief. He didn't sound mad. He sounded more sad and very understanding to be honest.

"Yeah, I know, I just wanted to kind of see what I could be without all this" I told him. It was pretty much the first time I admitted the real reason hiding my past. When I had realized that racing wasn't a future for me it was a struggle to find something to get interested in, so when I finally did, I wanted to do my internship and everything else as well, because of that, not because I had been good at racing. It didn't make much sense but it did to me.

"You okay?" Lando sat next to me. He didn't shoot me with endless amount of questions and I was more than thankful for that.

"Yeah, just unlocked some memories I hadn't thought in a while" I nodded smiling to the guy.

"I don't blame you that sounded like a lot" he shook his head. "Makes you even more amazing to be honest" he mumbled but I could hear him loud and clear and I couldn't help but laugh.

"Don't know about that" I shook me head. "I came out from the whole episode pretty shaken, and the next couple years were pretty much waste of a good life"

"Yeah but look at you now" he pointed out. "Back on track, like literally, and I would say your life is back on track too" he grinned to his stupid word play.

"Yeah. I guess, you're right"

"When you're ready to tell us, I think there is couple curious ears wanting to hear your story, but take your time with that" Lando was being sweet again. This was the guy I had fell for. It's not like he never left but we had been stupid and for me there was no doubts that I wouldn't do my everything to be able to be with him.

"Yeah, well I think you know the biggest things already so no need to keep the rest from you either" There was a small smile playing on my lips. I wasn't dying to tell the story, but it could be good for me to get some closure.