Reasons To Stay; Sapnap x OC

Chapter 10

My apartment felt oddly quiet without him. My mind felt off. I changed into nicer clothes. I’ve learned dressing nice helps keep my self-esteem up. I threw on shorts and a button up over a tank top. 

I sat on my bed, plucking guitar strings while looking out the window. I gave up and let my mind lead me to my small balcony. I climbed the fire escape to the roof. It seemed like Ava had the same idea as me. 

“Hey” I sat down beside her.

Our legs dangling over the rooftop. When I was met with no response I looked her up and down, trying to figure out what was wrong. During my inspection I caught glimpses of her exposed thighs, covered with scars and fresher red marks. The inside of her calves had fresh cuts as well. And so did her wrists, and the part of her chest I could see. 

I closed my hand over one of her wrists and brought it to my lap. She looked at me, confused. Usually, I never believed in this kind of stuff, but I began singing the song my dad would sing when we were hurt. The lyrics in Irish. 

I’ve been harmed.
More times than just once.
They feel pretty harsh.
But I'll pray all your scars become just one.

“Leah what did you do when you couldn’t take anymore?” She asked. 
“I tried thinking about positive things. Then I ruined them until there was nothing left that made me happy. From there I just cried. And I would do the same thing,” I gestured to all her cuts. 

“It was two years. I thought I was okay again and now I’m here,”

“Recovery isn’t linear, don’t feel bad,”
Ava sighed. She was gripping the concrete so much that her knuckles turned white. Her gaze was focused on the horizon, and her body was leaning forward slightly. I reached over and pushed her backwards.

“What the hell?!” She yelled. I stared at her in disbelief. 

“You can’t stop me from doing anything!” She yelled, standing. 

“I can, and I will, Ava.” I replied. I stood up myself, getting off the ledge. 

She began to cry, falling to her knees before completely giving up and laying on the cool concrete. I sat beside her, rubbing her back lightly. I slid my arms under her and pulled her so her head and shoulders were resting in my lap. I let her sob, and I offered her my hand to hold. She took it and ran her thumb over my fingerless gloves. I let go so I could take them off and set them beside me before taking her hand again. She gave it a squeeze and I stroked her hand in reply. 

“I had someone, Leah. I loved her. I gave her everything. And what I got in return was abuse. Verbal, emotional, and sometimes physical abuse. I loved her so much and I got that.”

I nodded, knowing the feeling. 

“I didn’t know what to do. I was hurting and didn’t know it. So I relieved some mental pain by giving myself actual pain. Physical pain.” She said. I know that feeling.

“I gave up on her. And myself. So-” She took a deep breath. “-So I finally broke up with her. It hurt so fucking bad. And mentally I’m used to getting rid of pain with pain so that’s what I did.”

“It’s better for you this way, trust me. I’ve been there,” I started stroking her hair with one hand. She stroked my hand after she squeezed it. 

“There was so much pain weeks after and it wasn’t going away. The voice in my head not satisfied by the pain anymore. It wasn’t working. So I did more than normal. And then it was content. Then even that stopped. So I resorted to the most pain one can probably feel. Dying”