All strings detached - Leon S. Kennedy

Chapter 3

The moment the door closes everything crashes down on me, I pull my legs to my body, crying everything out, screaming at the emptiness left inside the room, I am merely a shell of the person I used to be, a empty, hollow, shell. My personality has drifted away, all I am good for is to be used, I've got myself into this mess! It's all my fault, so now I've got to deal with the consequences of my own decisions. I stand up and look around me, my reflection in the mirror catches me off-guard, I look at myself, who are you?! I reach for my hair, If I could I would pull it all out, I can't stand looking at it anymore! Tears flow over my face, I have nightmares every night, not only of the things happening inside of these 4 walls but Wesker aswell, it's coming back, like a trigger. He always tells me he loves me, how much love is behind that head of his? I stare at my reflection in the bathroom, sunken eyes, pale face, how has no one noticed? I wipe the tears from my cheeks, only for new ones to come and take their place. I just want someone to care for me, but Jake does, doesn't he? Of course he does, he'd just leave me if he didn't...right? 

I rummage through the cupboards of the bathroom, my eyes jump to the box dye I bought ages ago, wanting to use it but Jake wouldn't let me. The things he'd said shoot through my hair, how much he loves my hair, the colour of it and how I embrace it, the things he'd use after hitting me. "Fuck this" I mumble, grabbing onto the box, I just want to feel like I'm control for once in my life again, like I matter and like I can do what I want. I open the packaging and follow the instructions on it, what could I do wrong, right? With shaky hands I apply the mixture onto my hair, pausing inbetween, contemplating everything, how will he react? Why is it something I have to think about? Why can't I do the things I want to do without being punished. This isn't love, this is control, isn't it? How stupid have I been to stick with him and now I am stuck, I can't leave, he's everywhere and who would believe someone like me? I went crazy before, who's going to believe the crazy one? I sit on the bathroom floor waiting for time to pass, what part of my body will I have to cover for the next week? My forehead rests on my knees, getting colour over all of my clothes. I can't even remember when I wanted to dye it black, he just talked me into not wanting it to the point where even I won't remember wanting it anymore. 

I watch the water of my shower turn black, scared to look into the mirror, scared to wait for him to come home. Love isn't about being scared, I've never felt this way with Leon. If it was Leon I would've been excited to show him. I sink down in the shower, what have I become? I've been missing Leon so much that I wanted to accept the fact that Jake was perfect for me, that I deserved all of this for using him, that this is love, when in reality the only love I have ever felt was for Leon S. Kennedy, the man that didn't want me anymore. Just for a moment I sit there, thinking about his voice, I can still hear it so clearly in my head, feel his lips on mine, why did I get into this relationship when I knew I wasn't over him? Was it my last resort? I was sure that letting someone new close, would help me forget Leon. I look up with water falling onto my face, just stand up and get out. 

I dry my hair and look into the mirror, black huh? Definitely something to get used to, but just for this moment I feel like I did something I wanted to do. I put my clothes back on as I hear rustling noises from the hallway, my heart starts racing, the moment of control is gone and I feel terrified, what is going to happen when he sees this? I look outside the door, he's in the living room, so nows my chance. I hush into the bedroom, quickly throwing myself under the blanket, If I'm asleep maybe we can prolong this for just a moment, just a few hours.. I close my eyes, trying to hide my hair in the dark, he won't notice, right? I hear as he comes in "Amber, are you sleeping already?" No, but that's what I'd like you to think. I feel weight beside me, the blanket moving and hear his breath. He's kept the light off, thank god. 

"What have you done?" I hear yelling from the bathroom, waking me up. My eyes go to the clock on th bedside table, 6:34AM oh god, I turn to see the light in the bathroom, I didn't clean up after me yesterday did I? My heart beats fast again, how do I face him like this? I look at my hair on the pillow after putting on the light next to me. Did I like it? Yes, looking at myself didn't make me hate myself for the first time in months, will he like it? From the sounds of it, the stomping towards our room and the yell from just a moment ago, I'd say no. I sit up as he walks into the door, looking at me in shock "Amber are you fucking insane?!" He yells throwing the packaging of the dye in front of my feet. Looking at his facial expression and the anger in his eyes, left me shaking again, as badly as I wanted to yell it out at him,  how I knew that he didn't love me, I was terrified of the things he'd do if I did. "I wanted to change the way I look.." my eyes trace down his arm and onto his hand, waiting for him to raise his hand once again "You're lucky you have to go to work" He hisses between his teeth, balling his fists. I've heard this before, this just means I'll bear the consequences when we're home. I look up at him "Just hit me now" I try to sound confident, instead all i get out is stuttering my words, what's the difference in now or later anyways, it won't hurt any less.  "I hate it when you act so pitiful. Stop the waterworks and talk like a human being." He insults me, I can't listen to it anymore, it's all getting to my head. I stand up, put my clothes on and try to walk through the door but he blocks it with his body "Where do you think you're going" He says in a frightening voice "Going to work, we'll be late if we don't leave" I try to find excuses, he lowers his arm and grabs my wrist "I dare you to say one word at work" he threatens but I walk away, putting on shoes and jacket, words I already heard, threats that I've endured and no end in sight.