Emergency Medical Dad

LXXII: late november, present

"I just wanted what was best for you, Jess," I mumble.

"No!" She tips her head back, "no! No no no no no. I don't care. You're not here to adhere to my every wish like a little fairy. That's not how this works. That's not how I want this to work. You're not here to serve me, you're here to love me. And because you're here to love me, that means you have to respect your own self first. I don't want this if you're going to put your throat against a knife to keep me comfortable. Love, it's... it's a two way game. I said no to kissing you this afternoon in the middle of paperwork. You respected that and I knew it was alright because all you've ever told me is that you love me anyway, and you did. You do. You didn't bubble down into a pit of hate just because I said no to kissing you. So, you said no to sex which is so important and I respect that and you should know that I love you anyway. I love you, idiot. I want to keep you comfortable and keep you safe and that's how."

I wince, not saying anything, I don't need to say anything, I don't want to. She's right. I know she is.

"You're so," she taps her head forward onto my chest, hitting her forehead on me lightly a couple of times. "I don't know how to explain it. I don't, I just, why do you expect not to have me be alright with what you want too? Why are you always so stuck in the little service mindset? It's like..." she waffles with it. "You're expecting me to just use you and you're alright with it because you love me."

I wrap my arms around her back and don't respond, again. I just hold her, shower water hitting my back, steam fogging up the room. I'm hoping she lets it drop away after that, hoping she decides it's alright to let me go without interrogation.

"It's because you've," she starts again, cheek pressed to my chest. "Because everyone's only taken from you, and you're only used to giving, right? Is that something Ron would say?"

"It is something Ron would say," I mumble into her hair, kissing her head.

"Okay, good," she breathes. "You're... you get used and used and used and you're not ready to be given to."

She pauses, fingers on my lower back, slowly starting to pick up their little swirling motions around my skin.

"No, maybe you are, maybe that's why you're not pushing me away, you just," she looks up. "Not used to it? Jay, you have to give me something here. I'm taking shots in the dark."

I grit my teeth, thinking about it, "you're right, on a lot of things. I... I'm not used to it when someone has intentions for me in mind when they're interacting with me. Especially sexually. It's a taking game when you're hooking up and I... I figure I just," I puff out my cheeks. "It's going to take me a while to get used to having sex with someone that really does care for me. I want to, because I like you as much as I do, give and give and give to make sure you're as satisfied as you can be, but my own comfort and sex haven't coeincided in years."

She pushes my hair back away from my forehead, "can we fix that? Please?"

"Yeah," I sigh. "Please."

"Good," she pops up on her toes and kisses my cheek. "Question on that."

"Anything?"

"When you... ah," she taps my lips, not looking me in the eyes. "You know. Um. Was that pushing your-"

"Was that me doing something out of my comfort zone to satisfy you? No. not in the slightest," I break a half smile, reaching over to my shower rack, hand landing on a bar of soap after a little swatting around. "This is, unfortunately, where I make it incredibly confusing for you."

"Try me," she steps back and takes the soap from my hands, running it around her palms, working up a bit of lather.

"My stupid head likes to make me push my comfort to satisfy the other person, in this case and for the foreseeable future, that's you. However," I stutter a little when she concentrates her soapy hands on me, starting on my shoulders and then, in a halfway massage, rubbing my neck. Tension I know I hold there but am never conscious of, melts away under her fingers. "However, my sexual preference, to a point of sort-of-kink, is giving you that."

"What?" She stops moving, looking up at me.

"Confused?"

"A little."

It makes me crack a smile, weak and still a little off, but she's a wonder at getting me out of my head, "I'm turned on the absolute most by pleasing you, sexually, you know what I mean. However, sometimes I can push it if I think I haven't done enough. So, like tonight, because I didn't do what I normally like to do, I felt like I needed to push it for you to enjoy it."

Her hands push the soap down my arms and I stand, a little flutter in my stomach while she does it, "so, you're..." she stops. "You're into pleasing me. But if you feel like you haven't done it well enough you're prone to pushing yourself too far. Yes?"

"Yes."

She furrows her eyebrows, "okay. I've got it. Yeah."

"Do you want me to explain anything else on that topic?"

That gets a little quirk in the corner of her mouth, the concentration one, her hands stopping their rather errant path all over me, soap dripping down my back, "um. Yeah. What did you mean by sort-of-kink? I... am a little worried by the outcome of that."

"Oh, ah," I manage a half laugh, taking the soap from her hands, working it between my fingers. "I meant it in... hm," I stop, thinking about it. "They called me a pleasure dom. Back when I brushed the edge of that a year or two ago. Means I like it best when I give someone of orgasms."

She's squinting at me, "and that's... kink... because?"

"First," I tap her nose with the soap on my fingers. "I'm a little shocked you know what kink means."

"Luka."

"That bitch," I clear my throat the second it's out of my mouth. "No offense meant to him, but my point stands. And it's kink because I'm talking not one or two per sexual interaction I'm talking like fifteen."

Her mouth drops open, "I'm not sure I can handle that I-"

"Shh," I kiss her cheek, my sufficiently soaped up hands landing on her shoulders, doing the same thing to her that she did to me. "I won't do anything out of your comfort. You know that."

"Right, I know, just, wow um. How... I don't think I'd live."

"Does a pretty good job of putting people right to sleep," I shrug. "Especially if I can get quite a lot in fast, then you're so hopped up on endorphins in your head you get stuck in a really happy suspend state. It's nice."

"You scare me sometimes," she pokes her finger into my chest.

"And this is scary?"

"Well I dunno," she shrugs under my hands, soaping up her back. "You having a lot more sexual experience than me is a little bit frightening, but you're not, so I'm in a bit of a limbo."

I put my hand back on the rail, hopping a slight bit to reposition my foot to reach back for the shampoo, "do you want to talk about this when we're dry? This feels like a dry conversation. I can make us some food and we can talk is all over."

"Probably," she looks up at me, watching me start to lather at my hair. "Feels a little odd to talk sex while still naked."

"Pfft," I mumble, head down to reach the nape of my neck. "I suppose you have a point." 

***

ever request to follow someone on instagram just so that they reject you so you can move on? yeah. 

-rabid