It Should Have Been Like This

Book Thirty-four: to be a mother again

   She blamed herself for ruining the family and to her, her father would kick me out of the house because of her mistake. She was afraid everyone would hate her and sad because she nearly killed herself. All she needed was assurance.

   "Serene," I called softly, climbing into the bed. She shifted away from me a little. "You know I can never hate you, right? I can never hate you, not after everything we have been through. I know how you feel. You are imprisoned by guilt, regret, and fear, I completely understand, but no one will ever hate you."

   "Sera does," she murmured, the first words she had spoken in weeks.

   "No, honey, your sister doesn't hate you, she is just mad that you almost died. Sera loves you, baby, with the whole of her heart and that's why she's angry. She almost lost you, her only sister, her joy. She's mad at herself for not paying attention to your health or keeping a close eye on you. She's mad at herself because she feels like she failed in protecting the one sibling she loves the most. She is angry because she imagined a world without you and it broke her heart, especially when you almost made it happen. She doesn't hate you, she is just angry at herself and you." I should have thought about that earlier, but I didn't because I wasn't thinking. Serenity burst into tears, scaring her cat away with the sudden outburst. The little thing ran under the bed.

   "I didn't mean to, Mommy, I didn't mean to. I was scared to give up. I thought that if I gave up, I would be a failure and a weakling and never be able to make you, dad, Zachary and Sera proud. If it was Sera, she would never give up..."

   "If he was Sera, she would have stopped. Do you want to know why Sera is always ahead?"

   "Because she thinks and I do not," she cried, "I know that now. I shouldn't have hid my sickness when I first coughed blood, I should never have. Because of my happiness, you tried to cover for me and now, dad hates you too and would leave you..."

   "Your father is not that shallow, love," I whispered, pulling her to sit on my laps. I hoped he wasn't, I wish so. "He loves me, he loves you, your sister and brothers. Seeing you like this is what's making him so mad, and the fact that I ignored his ‘daddy instinct’," I rolled my eyes, hoping she would giggle and she did. "Instead of keeping quiet, you should have tried to fix things. Seeing you like this makes them sad, baby, you should do something about it."

   "I bet you regret giving birth to me," I gasped at her utterance. I slapped my palms on her wet cheeks and shook her violently.

   "Never say that to me, Serene, never! After everything I went through, I would be insane to think of you as a mistake. Don't blame yourself but blame me, blame me for failing as a mother. I've neglected you and your siblings enough, and it's time I change. So starting from now, you will... We would both fix our mistake. Go to Sera and apologize..."

   "I can..."

   "No," I flicked her forehead, "you can, you will and you must." I said as a matter of fact.

   "What if she..."

   "She won't, she loves you and this would prove it." I stood up with her, not giving her time to protest. I carried her out to the garden where I knew Sera would be slaughtering the flowers and Zach standing a safe distant to keep an eye on her. I was right, only that Zayne and Zyaire were there too, helping her destroy the Gardener's work. I dropped her when I was close enough and pushed her forward.

   Serene looked at me still in tears, but I urged her to go on. She nervously crossed her hands behind her back and walked towards her siblings, repeatedly looking over her shoulder to make sure I was still there. Zayne noticed her first, so he tapped Zyaire who in turn slapped the back of Sera's head.