Best laid often go awry by anfelffxmaniac on ao3
Summary:
In theory, it seems perfect, so when Jennie comes up with the idea, on a lazy Sunday evening, you don’t need a lot of convincing to agree.
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In theory, it seems perfect, so when Jennie comes up with the idea, on a lazy Sunday evening, you don’t need a lot of convincing to agree.
You’re both single, you’re both stressed and frustrated, and you’re pretty sure that the crush you thought you harbored for Jennie back in High School was just a manifestation of your repressed sexuality, enhanced by the fact that she was the only who actually cared for you through your tumultuous teenage years.
Really, there’s no reason this could go wrong. People do it all the time, and you consider yourself mature enough to stop it, in the event that it starts affecting your friendship.
The wine helps, Jennie and her arguments help, and you find yourself shaking on it on the same evening.
There’s a small part of you that feels like you just struck a deal with the devil, but in true Park fashion, you easily ignore it.
--
Setting up the ground rules is easy.
No dating, no spending the night at each other’s house after having sex, no texting cute, coupley messages, no cuddling.
There’s one more rule but neither of you brings it up, despite it being the most important one.
No falling in love.
--
At first, it’s easy and it’s fun, and uncomplicated. Finding a rhythm is not difficult, and you soon know exactly what works for each other – a familiarity that you assume stems from being friends.
You meet whenever you can, and if, for some reason, you can’t, you exchange sexts.
Jennie knows exactly how to tease you; she has this unique ability of tapping in fantasies that you didn’t even know you had, until the moment she brings them to life. You make sure you do the same for her, and when she comes, her walls tightening around your fingers, your name escaping her lips with a gasp, you know you’ve achieved your goal.
“Don’t be so smug,” she chastises you breathlessly, and you laugh.
Yeah, this is easy. You can do this.
--
But things soon start to change, as things are wont to do.
--
At first, you don’t even notice it.
How your eyes linger on her just a bit longer than they used to. How your caress aims at more than just arousal. How her texts make you smile like a fool.
You still attribute it to friendship. After all, you’re spending more and more time with Jennie, so it’s only natural to feel closer to her, isn’t it?
--
Lisa makes a stupid joke about rivers in Egypt when you talk to her about it, so you decide that you’re best on your own.
It doesn’t take all that long for her words to come true.
--
Denial can only do so much, when watching her leave your apartment after you’re done, starts hurting a bit more each time.
There are words burning on your tongue, the urge to invite her to spend the night almost too big for you to resist, but Jennie only kisses your forehead, thanks you for the evening, and walks out.
The fires of the hell you willingly condemned yourself to, start burning your skin in that same way that watching her walk down the hall with Irene used to, and you stop deluding yourself that your crush in High School ever faded.
This is worse.
This is actually having Jennie, and not having her at all.
--
You still don’t back out of your arrangement.
--
You wonder, more than once, if she can tell.
Does she know, that on those evenings that you spend, her head between your legs, your hands tangled in her hair, your lip is bleeding, not from your effort to not scream from pleasure, but because the first words that come to your mind are “I love you” and the only way to stop yourself is by biting your lip?
Can she feel your fingertips writing love confessions on her thighs, as your hand gets closer and closer where she needs you?
Can she sense it, that your kisses are desperate and full of something that you can’t even name, because naming it means giving it power, and you’re already pretty much at her mercy?
You wonder if Jennie can tell, and it’s your last thought as you watch her retreating form close the door of your apartment.
--
You know there’s a breaking point. You do. You just don’t know when you’ll reach it.
--
“So, Mark asked me out yesterday.”
She announces the news out of the blue, during one of your lunch dates, and you’re glad she’s looking at her plate when she says it, because your features immediately turn cold.
“Mark?” you ask, and Jennie beams.
“Yeah, remember, the dancer I was talking to you about. He finally asked me out.”
There’s a gleam in her eyes, and she can’t contain her enthusiasm, and your fingers tighten around your fork angrily.
“Well, that’s wonderful,” you say with a tight smile. “You must be pretty excited.”
“Well, of course I am! But… I hope this doesn’t create a problem for us….”
You can tell she’s worried – she’s biting her lip, and you’re almost ready to confess everything, on the spot, but then – then you might lose her completely, so you end up feigning ignorance.
“For us? Why would it create a problem?”
“Well, it doesn’t feel right dating someone and still being friends with benefits with you…”
“Oh,” you say and wave your hand in reassurance. “Don’t even worry about that.”
“Really?” Her smile is so wide, it almost makes you want to cry.
“Yeah, I mean – we’re still friends, we’re just losing the benefits.”
Jennie sits up from her chair, and comes to hug you. “You’re the best Chaeyoung,” she whispers as her hands wrap around your body for what is probably the last time.
--
It seems that you didn’t need to reach a breaking point to get hurt.
--
Everything changes abruptly, and despite the fact that you knew it all along, it doesn’t hurt any less.
You try to convince yourself this is for the best. Maybe you and Jennie are supposed to be only friends.
It’s comforting.
It’s comforting for a bit, until your eyes fall on every surface of the apartment you’ve christened together, and your eyes well up with tears.
Convincing yourself is not a game you can play anymore.
