one day i began to think

save me and bring me home

i.. haven't worn a boys hoodie since.. noah's. I haven't received a hoodie since Noah's.. I cried when noah gave me his because of how innocent it was of him. how precious. 

right then I was chocking on air because I had my mouth wide open and had no idea what to say.  no, I want say no. but all that came out was "what..?" he explained he wanted me to wear it. he then was only left with a wife beater tank top and flannel and I then rushed to say "no no, I can't take this, it's freezing outside! please.. please take it back." and he kept pushing it back onto me, I was even becoming frustrated with him for not just seeing I clearly didn't want it. then I said "please, I'm not ready for this." and he said "no, it's okay. it's no big deal. friends." and began walking away upstairs, waiting for me to walk him out. 

I sat the hoodie down on the edge of my bed and walked him out. he went in for a hug and I was sure to give it to him shortly while I opened the door to force him out. he kept his arms tight around me, even when I pulled away. he shifted to the kiss position, I tried to look down to avoid it while I continued to pull away. he kissed my forehead, I continued to pull away. he edged his lips down to mine, I pulled away. he pressed his lips into mine.. I pulled away. 

"goodbye." I said, and ushered him out though I was freezing from the cold air rushes against my open skin. quickly shut the door and locked it. I don't like saying goodbye to anyone, I've always hated it because it meant forever. but to him.. I said it confidently and stern. 

I froze at the door, putting my hand to my lips which began to burn. maybe it was just the mindset I was in, but that's just how I knew it wasn't okay. I walked the rest of the way downstairs upset and my hands gripping my hair by my temples. I was so.. angry. I felt so violated, my boundaries crossed, and he just neglected everything I told him on how I felt about not pushing me like this.. 

like.. what the fuck.. 

why did he try so damn hard to defy me? even when I was showing that I felt physically repulsed by him forcing himself on me. I'm afraid of what might've happened if I wasn't so stern about him leaving.. what would he have pulled.. if he couldn't respect my wishes on being just friends.. what makes me feel like he'd respect my body.. me telling him no as his hands roamed my body and he says soothing "it's no big deal. just friends." while my breathing picks up in speed and im visibly afraid.. but that only turns him on as he forces me onto the bed with my wrists pinned up next to my face and he smiles at me all.. seductively but I find it terrifying that I feel so fucking helpless..

as I walked into my room, I took the hoodie off my bed and threw it against the wall, letting it crash onto the floor. I picked up my laptop from my desk and immediately wrote these things down.. 

I don't know who to talk about this with.. I know I could come to alissa just fine and she would never judge me or make me feel like some whore.. because that wasn't it.. that wasn't it at all. I tried I tried to tell him he wasn't listening he just was doing what he wanted and didn't care what I was saying and I was so scared because he's so tall and so much bigger than me and when he would tower next to me it made me feel like I wouldn't be able to fight him off of me if I tried.. and I tried.. 

I hate the way I feel right now. I didn't ask for this, I didn't lead him on. I didn't do anything.. why why does this stuff happen? 

I can't.. I can't let this be how I feel about love and relationships.. 

I need something real again.. I need a prince to save me from this bad cycle of guys who don't care enough about me except to squeeze my ass or kiss me until I can't fight back anymore. 

I want it over, I want to be with someone who scares off all of the guys who come my way with bad intentions. I want a protector. I want to be loved right..

i.. i want to be saved.

save me.. please. 

I want to be a girlfriend. I want to be a good girlfriend who treats her boyfriend good and does it right this time. doesn't get into dumb fights or cries over the little things or gets in the way of my boyfriend's family. I know what I want.. and I know it's to be better than this, be better for someone who truly deserves to be loved the way I love. to have that passion and connection and spark in a real, committed relationship that wasn't just about sex (though that's a perk), not just about having someone. but to be in love with someone I can put my full trust in, someone how knows me and the way I function. who knows my boundaries, who respects my body and treats it like a gift not a toy. I just.. I know I have what it takes to make some guy the happiest he's ever been.. if he'll just let me.. if he'll take me and see my improvement.. see how I've grown into such a woman over this year.. maybe.. I'd be something he couldn't turn down.. something he'd need back in his life.. taking me back. 

help me out of this.. pull me from it please. be my savior, be my hero. be my guy.. 

bring me home.. to where I'm safe in your arms.

to where I'm saved, and can happily be in love again..

please.. save me..

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