I Am Me

Wonder

My home isn't perfect but it home. In all it's glory.

Sometimes I wonder what my dad looks like now.

I wonder if he ever wanted to come back to me, Ma & Jamal.

I wonder if he ever misses us.

I wonder why he left.

I just wonder.

I just wonder all these things and more.

The days pass by and these thoughts just don't fly. They sit and block my mind until I have no choice but to think about them. Even if I try my hardest not to think of them.

If only the world wasn't so unfair. Especially to black people. Well, nothing never is fair but you have to make it fair. And I just can't help but think that maybe it's more to the big picture, more to understand about certain things.

I give up on the wondering eventually and I go to my computer to fiddle with some beats that I've been working on this song for 2 weeks now and I still think something is missing other than me adding my voice to it.

Maybe hope. Maybe joy. Make a little emotion to make it a song.

I keep all my songs private though. I just stay in my little bubble and people don't bother with me.

I have little time to just be me and not have to hear people's stupid comments. I just want them all to shut-up. And music helps with that. The constant judging and mean comments said is enough to make someone explode.

Meaning. There is always happens to be meaning in it all. And something that could or can be done. But I don't really know how when I don;t have a voice when I really truly need it. Everyone has a voice for a reason and I don't and can't use mine.

It's like I've been cast a spell on to be shy, unable to speak in front of people let alone speak of for myself.

Why me?

"Amelia? Earth to Amelia. Are you even paying attention or listening to me at all?" Bri says clearly a little frustrated but tries not to show it.

"Yeah, I'm fine. I heard every word you said." I look away quickly before she looks into my eyes and tells that I'm lying.

"You fibber. I know when you're lying and when you're telling the truth. I've been around you long enough to know when you are. When you are lying you look the other way and your cheeks turn a little rosy." Well I guess that solves it. I guess she would have know anyway because I'm not that good at telling lies.

When it was her 10th birthday and I went shopping for a gift, Bri just so happened to be there at the mall. I had thought it was the day she's usually at her grandma's but I guess not. I tried to hide the gift behind my back and made up something quick but she saw right though it. She figured out everything of my plan for her surprise birthday in a matter of second. If only I would've kept my mouth shut, said a quick hi and moved along.

It's like her gift. She kind of knows what's wrong before it is even said.

"I said I which color do you think I should use for the dress?" Bri says.

"Uh, Idk. Use violet and pink. They work great together. Two good color combinations like us."

"Thanks but no thanks. Although we do work good together, those two colors would quite make the dress really pop. I'm trying to win this competition and blow them out the water. To make it to where they will never see it coming." She adjusts her headband and starts packing up her belongings.

"I know and you will. Just use what colors you feel it best and will really represent the wonderful properties of the dress."

"Thank you. Now come on. We don't want to be late for your mama's cooking. She cooks like a true chef. Her cooking is da bomb. Not that my mom doesn't cook good, juicy, delicious food but I just like coming to your place to experience some of that yumminess waiting to happen." I grab my stuff and check the time.

"Yeah, yeah. Fat face." We stroll off to the car and drive to my house.