How Many Nights does it take to Count the Stars?

Chapter thirteen, Empress- Morningsiders

Andora:

I thought it would be awkward, only him, Ashe, and me. I Never was one on one with Ashe, or at least not without Sarah, and as great I thought her to be, and as much as I wanted to befriend her I didn't actually consider taking this step.

The universe forced me. Be together with both of the people I so desperately want to be friends with but stuck, lacking the will to do something about it.

We met yesterday in the magnificent apartment of Ashe, which I am not totally surprised about, like mother like daughter I guess, and what can I say? We actually had a great time. I had a great time. And the song we wrote? I can't say it was great, but it was indeed a start. I think I'm starting to fall in love with writing music. I think I found myself writing a poem about yesterday.

Between those walls I found myself with two strangers, looking at Harry, even though how many smiles he tried to force, and maybe some of them were real, I can't be sure, but we're not who we used to be, actually far from it. How can we come back?

We're just two ghosts pretending there's some root holding us together.

He didn't even tell me about his new tattoo, I only noticed it when he wore his coat. On the side of his arm, it was, looking at me, all still pale and red.

You can say that writing music is more challenging than writing poems. When you're writing poems the only thing it needs is your touch of a hand and mind, and the most important thing about it is that it bears a piece of you. In writing music, not only does it have to carry that piece of you, those words you wrote and so cautiously put yourself in, the melody has to fit the written words as well, which for me makes it a lot harder. But I find beauty in colliding the two words I love together, I see why Mitch, Ashe, and Harry love it now. It has so many details and steps before you can make it a wonderful masterpiece, but when you hear people sing and play to the melody you wrote it makes your heart tingle.

Just like poems you could pour your heart on the paper, come up with metaphors, with phrases and heavy sad words that will describe your state of mind, but not only that it needs to be done, you need to find a melody, music that will fit the heaviness, the black words on white paper you so carefully wrote. And for me, the scariest part of it is that someday, we will only have repeated words that only have rhythm and sound good with the chorus, with no intention behind them. For me, that'll be destroying the powerful meaning of writing. That is not to be done.

I do not blame artists who do that, it's understandable, but on my album, I want to create a bridge between those worlds that'll be as beautiful as both of them, as magnificent and special as both of the worlds I'm so attracted to I afraid I lose my grip over.

Last night I experienced with my guitar so many sounds I didn't dare to make, sounds that didn't make sense before, but now are full of potential. Music will forever be magnificent, sometimes our words and effects we put on it are the ones who ruin it.

I feel like I've been put into a trance, how can you do so much, write, play, and read when you have school going on? How will I be able to dedicate myself to so much that I like when there are so many other things that need to be done. And when I work, will I also feel torn apart? Deciding if music or reading is more important to me?

I cannot give up the stories I'm living when reading books when I can escape my world and enter another. A world full of forests of words that are so easy to get lost in, that are so easy to call home. A home where I can get inspired from the characters, and the words, that can give me ideas for my books, my writing. I want to be able to read and write as if they're not separable, as if I have all the time in the world to make something out of myself.

And if I won't succeed? I'll go and be a biologist, just like my dad. That's what I've been training my whole life for. I wanted to be a biologist just like him, just like I want to keep playing the guitar. But how, how can I do everything all at once? Be a biologist, write when I get back from work, read at night, and wake up so early I could have at least thirty minutes to put my favorite instrument in my hands and make sound from touching the strings? I'll be torn, and I do not want to be torn by this world, I was torn too much already, when will I be able to find balance with everything I want.