How Many Nights does it take to Count the Stars?

Chapter nine, Rolling in the Deep- Adele

Harry:

How stupid it was of me to just let her down like that? She was in a vulnerable place, she just had a freaking anxiety attack, she threw up from the freaking stress, I couldn't see her more vulnerable and hopeless, I felt wrong being here with her, it felt too much for someone you know only for two months and meet only twice a week to see that part of you, but I knew she needed me and I didn't want to leave her when she needed me the most. And that part wasn't even the worst part.
I felt so bad about her being vulnerable with me I felt like I should let my guard down and be vulnerable with her. And not that I didn't want to before, I did, I just had no excuse then but when I finally had...

We sat on a bench, I finally told her about my mom, I even caught myself crying, and right then and there, at the bench outside of the New York University building I kissed her. I didn't even think, why didn't I think? Why didn't my mind assume that doing actions like that at a time like this isn't the brightest idea? My brain is working nonstop all the time, why didn't it then? Gosh. And the worst thing about it is that I think I hurt her. I looked into her eyes then, the same eyes that told me I was right and we shouldn't get into it, and saw disappointment and despair in them, a hidden scowl, and again, why didn't I do anything? Why didn't I try to ask her what she's feeling?

Ugh. I hate interacting with other people, so complicated, so demanding.

And now? Now I saw her kiss some redhead girl. Of course, she did, she deserves someone that would dedicate themselves to her, she deserves this beautiful redhead that probably can think good under pressure and not just blurbs something and leaves, hurting everyone around her. And I'm jealous, god, I'm jealous. I wanted her lips on mine, but how can I blame her? I made a mistake and have to face the consequences. I wish I didn't have to.

The redhead on the other hand is so damn lucky to have her. So lucky. And I know it'd be an asshole's behavior to go and tell Andora that I didn't mean what I said the first time cause I'd already hurt her enough, but I want to. I hate that I want to. I hate that my brain imagines so many scenarios of us getting together and me apologizing to her.

All I could think about after we kissed was about her. It fits. We fit. Perfectly. It was like a scene from the movies, like a part of one's wildest dreams, it was meant to happen, it was supposed to, but of course, it didn't, like in other movies. I can't believe I didn't see the whole picture, I was such a stupid jerk who couldn't see above his nose and now the world is coming down on me, I can't blame it though. If I saw this in a movie I'd have yelled at the screen.

A few weeks later Jo forced me to go to some party.

'Come on dude, don't be wallowing on your bed all day, life goes on.' he said. At first, I shook my head, I told him no, but then... I caved. I went to the party with him. He started acting not jerky to me two weeks ago, so I wanted to see how it'll go. He witnessed me staring at Andora and the redhead kiss, at first he commented on it, he said it was hot, but then when he witnessed me not saying anything and looking all 'lost' as he described it I even told him the whole story.

He wasn't a jerk about it, he didn't make jokes, he just looked me in the eyes and pat me on the back. He said he was sorry. I never thought I'd hear him say that. We were bonding the last two weeks and I have to say I might've misjudged him. He was indeed a jerk before but now I see there's something behind that appearance of his he's trying to sell. It's hard to open up to people, I get it, he just chose to close up and try to force people out of his way to not have to deal with that, with them, which is one day to deal, but it's not supported by me. Anyway, after debating with myself for a long time what should I do I decided to give him a chance on the grounds of I have to deal with him another two years at least, so I better just try to somehow get along, will spare me a lot of future suffering, and what can I say, it's going well so far.

"Harry?" I hear a low voice from behind the sheets of my mind, I try to come back to the room, and when I do I realize that it was dad talking.

"Harry?" He says. "You blacked out on us, what were you thinking about?" Robin asks.

"Nothing." I hesitate. If I say nothing he'll try to dig in even more. "My roommate," I tell him, which is not a lie.

"What about your roommate?" He asks.

"Nothing, we just started to finally get along." I play with my fork as I speak.

"So it isn't nothing," Robin says and I sigh. "It's amazing. God, you've grown so much." Robin says getting all sentimental, I find myself sighing at him once again.

"Well.. that's what school does to you, years flew by and I'm still trying to understand a simple physics rule." I shrug, Robin looking at me a little confused so I feel clarifying in place.

"What I'm saying is that after those twelve years I was forced to learn and suffer from failed educational systems, I now do it to myself, am I a masochist or something?!" I try to clarify and Robin tries to force a smile as he realizes that what I just said was a joke.

"Well, you better graduate Misster or you're not coming home next week," Gemma says, pointing her fork at me, then look back at Robin and giggles, trying as I suppose, to astound what Robin thinks. Robin still doesn't get it, his response time is longer than I've ever seen in my life, so instead, Gemma and I just start to laugh, after a minute Robin joins us.