The diary of a lost girl

Next month will be a year

Next month will be a year...
You would think by now the pain has gone away
That I would be happy and care free ...
You couldn't be more wrong
Every moment of every day I am reminded of you
Every night I go to sleep full of anger
Every night I pray to a god I no longer believe in
And I pray that the person who took you away would feel some type of regret and turn them selfs in
I pray that the stupid detective who's handling your case would do his job and bring you some justice
It's gotten so bad that I am suspicious of every random person I pass on the street
I wake up in tears every other night
I wake up screaming in pain cause a piece of my heart is still missing and will never be replaced
Next month will be a year...
And every night I wish I had the answer to all the questions running through my head
I keep convincing myself that this is all some sick twisted joke you decide to play on us
But I know deep down that it's not
I never told you this but that night I couldn't sleep
I felt my insides twisting and turning
I felt sick and in pain
I got two hours of sleep that night
Because I had fallen asleep only to wake up five minutes before my moms phone went off
When my moms phone started ringing I felt my blood run cold
Getting a call before 9 am with my family is never a good sign
I remember my little cousin waking up beside me asking if her mom was going to pick her up and telling her to go back to sleep
Once I was sure she was a sleep I got out of the bed and stood in my parents doorway as we got the news
I watched as my mother broke down sobbing
I didn't know why she was crying all I knew was that she needed me to be strong
So I wrapped her up in my arms and tried not to cry
A few minutes later my father woke up and asked what was wrong and my mother answered saying that a family member had been murdered
I watched as she tried to get a hold of her mom and the rest of the family
I sat there and watched as my parents got dressed and left to my tias house
Leaving me with three little girls
But I couldn't break down
I couldn't cry in-front of them
I laid down in my room with my little cousin feeling nothing but numb
And I watched as she slept knowing I would be the one to tell her and my sisters what happened
But I couldn't
I walked out side and sat down on the back pouch
And I stayed there for a good hour before I broke
Once I broke I screamed until my throat burned raw
I yelled until I tasted the blood from my throat
I cried, kicked, screamed, and broke things
Then I hear the kids wake up and I knew I had to get my emotions under control
I knew that I could not show them how broken I felt that they would pick up on my energy and it would hurt them just as bad as I was hurting
So I bottled it up
I put on a brave face and I made them breakfast
And I waited until my parents came home
I hadn't planned to tell them when I did
But they saw that my eyes where puffy and they asked questions
So I sat them down and told them what happened
At first I was upset caused they showed no reaction
But I remember everyone handles grieve differently
When my parents got home my mom went to sleep and my dad cared for the kids so I could watch my mom
I laid their in her arms as she cried herself to sleep
My father had to force us to eat
Is it weird that I remember that day so vividly?
People tell me that I should just get over it that I grieved long enough and should of been over it by now
But not everyone can grieve with a few months
Some people push it down as long as they can before they can't handle it any more
I know that I do
Next month will be a year
And the pain is still fresh