Learn to Trust

That Stupid Memory

My dream university had said yes to me in May and it was now the middle of August and I was in my room looking at all of my clothes on the floor. I look around my room and sigh because Im leaving the small town Ive been living in after the incident of my life and even though this town doesnt hold the best memories, Im actually going to miss it.

Sammy, how are you doing with the sorting? Do I need to come upstairs and make sure youre not distracted again? Mom thinks shes hilarious, but I know better. I dont get distracted. I simply open my imagination when I find something and think about the experiments I could do with it. Thats not a distraction at all.

No mom! Im fine! You don't need to come up here and help me! Im perfectly fine on my own! Im insistent she doesnt come up here because Ive just discovered my old journal from middle school to high school and its not going to be a pretty sight. My mind wasnt the best back then and its a lot better now, but its still not the best. Mom never found out about this and she never will have to because Im not telling her her daughter is more messed up than she realized.

Alright, but Im coming up if youre not done with the clothes by lunchtime! Oh my gosh, I have to be done or the secret diary will be found and everything will be ruined. She can never know. No one can ever know whats in this journal.

I think back to all that happened in those years and think Im lucky to have survived because bullying is never okay. If it wasnt for my best friend, I wouldnt be here. It was a dark time for everyone in my life. But Im a fighter and I wasnt going to give them the satisfaction of letting them think they got to me.

I may have cried myself to sleep every night for three years, but those were the years I learned that people were backstabbers and never to tell anyone your secrets. Theyll end up being plastered everywhere. Thats why we moved to this small town when I was thirteen years old. It was to get away from everyone. Thirteen was the worst year of my life and I was considering running away many times. I was always one to be too trusting and naive and I got in with the wrong kind of people.

Looking back, I didnt even know what I was getting into. I just knew I had friends for the first time in my life and they liked me for me. I should have known they would have had me make the worst decision of my life because I was the easiest target. Maybe one day Ill trust someone enough to tell them what really happened that night. Its a miracle I was able to get away before things got really bad. Thirteen year old me had no idea what she was getting into. She was just happy she had friends even if she had an idea they were the wrong type of friends.

I try not to cry as I read the words over and over again. The flashbacks happen so fast I dont want them to happen again, but they do. I try to snap out of it, but I cant and the images flash over and over in my head. My mind suddenly goes blank and the silent tears start to fall.

I try to battle them, but it doesnt work. It never works so I just let the tears come. Im eighteen years old and Im crying like a baby. Ive always been a bit sensitive, but thirteen was the last straw. For the past five years Ive kept what really happened inside and never really told people whats going on. Ive tried to tell my best friend, but she wouldnt understand what happened at all. She met me after the whole life changing incident. I have to learn to share things with people. Its what mom says. Dad just wants his little girl to go back to the happy go lucky child she was. What he doesnt know is that he lost his little girl five years ago.

I end up going to my bed and collapsing in tears. This is where mom finds me when she comes up to get me for lunch. At first Im worried shell find the journal, but as I bolt upright and frantically look around the room, I dont see it anywhere. Did I manage to hide it when I was having my freakout earlier?

Sammy, sweetie, did you have another flashback episode?

Mom, Ive tried to get them to stop. I really have. But I cant seem to get them to stop! My hands are trembling uncontrollably and my voice wavers as if Im about to cry again.