Like The Moonlight - Jaywon FF

Emptiness

Jay couldn't sleep that night.

He usually didn't get a lot of sleep, but he at least tried resting every night. However, Heeseung's speech that afternoon had been the only thing on his mind for hours.

He contemplated all his options, trying to stay calm. He wanted to go wake Jungwon up and tell him everything, but that was out of question.

After hours of overthinking every possibility, he set his mind on one of them.

It's still risky, but I owe it to him.

But not now, only tomorrow.

~

Jungwon heard a knock on his door, once again. He hid under his blanket, as he always did when one of his roommates came to bring him food.

"Hey Won"

Jungwon quickly lifted his blanket to make sure he had heard right.

"Jay?" he asked, showing only twenty percent of his face.

"Is it okay if we talk?" asked Jay, contemplating the serious blanket situation he only had heard about.

Jungwon decided to sit up on his bed, which Jay interpreted as a yes.  The latter sat on Jungwon's chair.

"I've heard that you've been having bad days" he said.
"You may say it like that" answered Jungwon, showing no emotion at all.
"Heeseung told me that you heard us talking the other week" added Jay.
"What about it?" asked Jungwon. "You don't want to be my friend, why do you even bother coming here now?"

Jay breathed heavily.

"I know I said that, thing is, I think you deserve to know why" said Jay.
"No need Jay" replied Jungwon. "I don't want your pity."
"I'm not pitying you" answered Jay. "We can't be friends because you would end up getting hurt."

Jungwon frowned.

"How would that even work?" he asked, curious.
"I... I can't tell you why, nor how, but if we get too close, there would be consequences for you" explained Jay. "During the first semester, even though I wanted to get to know you, I did not. I tried staying as far from you I could, even when it meant ignoring you."

"Are you telling me you hated me on purpose?" asked Jungwon, frustrated.

"Yes" said Jay. "I thought that if you thought I hated you, you wouldn't want to be my friend, cause who would?"

Jungwon frowned.
I would Jay.

"After the winter break, as nothing bad had happened, I thought maybe we could try being friends" added Jay. "Look what happened... a car accident..."

"Do you think that car accident has something to do with you somehow?" asked Jungwon. "Do you really expect me to believer that? That's insane."
"I know" replied Jay. "I know I sound crazy right now."

He stopped and stood up, pacing in the room.

"Thankfully you weren't injured, but I knew it was a sign. If we get close, you might not be this lucky next time" said Jay.

Jungwon looked at him, moved by the pain in Jay's voice.

"I could never forgive myself if you got hurt because of me" whispered Jay.

"Why would I get hurt?" asked Jungwon.
"Please don't ask" begged Jay.

"You said I deserve to know" reminded Jungwon.

Jay looked disturbed.

"If I tell you would never want to be my friend again" said Jay. "It must remain a secret."

Jungwon stayed silent a while.

"So... what now? We never talk again because of this secret of yours? Because if I knew about it, I would be magically hurt?" asked Jungwon.

"I came in here thinking this was the best option, but hearing you say it out loud makes me question it" answered Jay.

"To be honest, I didn't even want to be your friend" whispered Jungwon.
"You didn't?" slowly asked Jay, his heart shattering.
"I kinda wanted to be more than that" explained Jungwon, knowing he had nothing left to loose.

Jay's heart broke definitely this time.

"Don't say that Won" he begged. "It makes it so much more difficult for me to make the right decision to protect you."

Jungwon got up, stepping in Jay's direction.

"I'm thankful you decided to try clearing things up with me" he said. "You said it's hard for you to make the right choice, so maybe I can help you with that."

Jungwon took one more step, and hugged Jay. Jay hugged back. He hadn't received a hug in years.

"We don't have to be friends if you feel like we shouldn't" whispered Jungwon, breaking off their hug and turning away. "Goodbye Jay."

Jay left the room, feeling the most empty he had ever been.

~

The afternoon went on to be the slowest Jungwon had ever experienced. He kept reliving his talk with Jay, remembering his expressions, how his hair moved when he tilted his head, his words, all of it.
He really wanted to believe Jay.

But who has a secret so deep and dark that sharing it with me would put me in danger?

Is he like a mafia lord? But than wouldn't explain a freaking car crash, would it?

~

That evening, Jungwon decided to join the roommates to eat. They all cheered when they saw him walking down the stairs.
Niki even hugged him as if they hadn't seen each other in years.

It had been a good evening, but none of the conversations, jokes and laughters could distract Jungwon from his earlier talk with Jay.

Jay acted normal and casual during the meal, but not once did he look at Jungwon, which upset the latter deeply.

As he did every night at 22:30, Jay excused himself and headed upstairs to lock himself in his room. Jungwon's eyes followed him, wishing to walk next to him.

In the end, Jungwon didn't wait long before going to bed too. He was tired from all the social interaction.

~

Jungwon couldn't sleep that night.

He regretted what he had told Jay earlier. He didn't want to be apart. He just wanted to be with Jay.

How about those dangers?

But if I'm aware there might be a danger, I can be more careful, right?

Could that work?

Jungwon didn't think about it twice. He stood up fast and silently got out of his room.

He knocked two times on Jay's door.
"It's me" he announced, just loud enough to be heard. "I don't know if you're asleep."

He stayed quiet and heard Jay inside the room getting closer to the door, but he didn't open it.

"Are you okay?" asked Jay through the door.
"Can we talk? I think I have a solution" said Jungwon, desperate to go inside the bedroom.

"No, you can't come in" replied Jay seriously.
"Why? If you're naked, just put on some clothes" said Jungwon.
"It's not that easy" said Jay.
"Then what is it?" asked Jungwon.

He heard Jay walking away from the door and decided to do something crazy.

Jungwon put his hand on the doorknob and opened the door, finally accomplishing this obsession of his.

The hallway light revealed the inside of Jay's bedroom, but that didn't matter to Jungwon at that moment. There was something much more concerning to deal with in front of him.

"Jay? Is that you?" he asked in shock.