Collide

Twenty

How can emptiness feel so heavy?

I'd never felt this numb in my life. 

I will never forget the way my grandparents' looked when I told them everything: the secret phone calls, the stakeouts to find him, and the moment at the beach.

But what was permanently imprinted in my mind was the way Logan broke. She was usually so positive, optimistic, and always happy, but she broke down. There was only one time that I'd seen her shake and sob like that. 

My dad was always my hero.

Watching him become the biggest villain in my life felt like being stabbed a million times.

I will never forgive him for taking so much from me.

I was never going to be the same.

It felt like they got murdered all over again.

For the past few days, I watched lawyers, investigators, and police officers walk in and out of my house. Right when everything was starting to feel ok, life was sucked out of this house.

I couldn't eat or sleep, but I couldn't stop thinking.

Why did this happen? Why couldn't I just have an absent father? My baby sister and mom meant the world to me. 

I don't care what the lawyers said. Nothing in this world could bring back what we truly wanted, Raquel and Dylan Giudice.

"We got word that Lorenzo turned himself in to NYPD. He's been charged with two counts of first-degree murder and he's facing 45 years in prison for each charge. No bail." the lawyer announced. 

That will get a girl out of a daze quickly.

"He pleaded guilty so the girls will be spared of a very public trial." he added.

I got up from the table and shook my head. 

"Ryan!" Abuela yelled as I ran up the stairs.

I just got into my bed and sobbed.

My grandparents protected him. He killed my sister and mom. I spent months chasing him when he was living it up with his new family.

"It's ok nieta." she tried to comfort me. 

I shook my head. "It's not!"

"Do you know what's wrong? I want my mom. If she would've just moved on with her life, she would still be here! I hate her, Abuela! I hate her for lying and sneaking around. I hate her for holding on to a dead marriage. I hate her for trying to fight for him. I hate her because she will never be there for me again!" I just yelled. 

She shook his head. "You do not hate her Ryan. Do not say that in this house. Yes, you got dealt a shitty deck of cards, but you do not hate your mom. She may not be here physically, but she loves you. I know my baby girl will always be there for her baby girls, spiritually or physically."

She was right.

"I want to change my last name." I looked my grandmother in the eyes.

Abuela pushed a piece of my hair behind my ear. "Don't let him take your name from you. Do you know how also carries your last name that can't change it? Dyl."

"It hurts, Abuela. There's another Ryan Giudice out there." I reminded her.

"There are a million Maria Garcia's but they will never be me. That Ryan will never be my Ryan Carolina. Please, Ry, don't let him strip you of what is rightfully your's." she advised.

I just closed my eyes and laid down.

"I know you feel the weight of the world, but you have to go back to school tomorrow. You need to finish strong and graduate." Abuela added. 

I felt a tear go down my cheek. "Everyone probably knows my dad is a murderer." 

"They do not. It's only news in New York. It's not your fault anyway." she rubbed my back. "Do you want to be alone?"

I nodded my head.

"I'll bring you a late lunch in a little while. I love you, Ryan." she said to me before she left my room.

I watched an episode of The Great British Baking Show. I just wanted to get my mind off things. 

My door crept open. "Brennan is here to see you."

I looked up at Logan. "I'm not here."

"You've been avoiding him for four days." she pointed out.

I sat up in my bed. "And?"

"He's been nothing but good to you and you're treating him like shit. At least let him know that you're alright." she swung my door open.

"You want me to talk to him? Fine." I got out of my bed and went downstairs. 

I saw him standing on the balcony and I walked outside. 

"Hi, Ry." he greeted me.

I just looked at him and I felt like shit.

I was never going to be what he needed.

"Your mom was right." I began

He scrunched up his face. "Right about what?"

"I'm not good for you, Brennan." I shook my head. "I'm a Giudice. My family is so messed up, and Brennan, you're so amazing. You really are, but I'm not. I will never measure up to that expectation that you have of me in my head."

Brennan shook his head. "That's not true."

"What's not true? I am a Giudice and my family is messed up." I questioned him.

"You are good for me, Ryan." he tried to grab my hands and I backed away.

"We shouldn't have pushed this whole relationship thing..." I looked away from him. "Please, don't make this worse than it already is. You deserve someone who comes from a good, stable family, someone who isn't going to ruin your life, and someone who didn't take such a special moment from you."

I couldn't look at him.

"Why can't you just let me in instead of pushing me away?" he asked me. "I care about you Ryan, why can't you see that?" 

"Look at me." Brennan demanded.

I reluctantly looked up at him. "I can't be what you want from me. Whatever you say will not change that. I'm not in a headspace that I can be convinced by you."

"What do you want then?" he asked me.

That was a good question.

I was a horrible person. I slept with this man, went on dates with him, and now I was doing this.

"For you to leave me alone."