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Is it just me?

*Originally posted april 27, 2021.

Carina went to Joe's bar that night. She needed some time to herself. After everything that went down between Maya's betrayal and Andrew's illness she was feeling exhausted. That night she just wanted to sit in the counter of that bar and watch the people around her. Don't think about anything but her glass of wine.

The Italian was already sitting at the bar counter when she noticed a group of people talking loudly and laughing excitedly entering the place. It was Maya's team. "Would she be with them?" She thought quickly. Actually, the brunette didn't even know if I she wanted to see her or not. She was still so angry at the events of that night. The group of people arranged themselves at the table and Carina could see that the Captain wasn't with them.

From where she was sitting it was possible to see the entrance and suddenly she saw Jack arriving at the bar. Argh, how angry she was at that man. What was her reaction when she saw Maya just behind him. The two entered the bar hand in hand, laughing excitedly. The woman firefighter immediately stopped smiling when her eyes met the brunette's across the bar.

Carina couldn't hold back and felt her eyes feeling with tears. She couldn't tell if it was pain or anger. Probably both. "How could she have gotten over it all so quickly? How could she have left me for that guy? After everything we've been through together?"

Carina just abandoned her wine glass and ran to the bathroom. Seconds later, the door was open. It was Maya.

"Carina, I'm sorry I didn't know you would be here.", Maya said with a weak voice.

"How could you do this to me?... to us?", the brunette said turning from the mirror to face Maya. "I was hoping you'd come to apologize. And... I even considered forgiving you. I fantasized that we would be alright, but... as far as I can see you don't feel bad about it at all, hum?" she kept saying.

"I...I'm sorry", was all Maya could say.

The Italian laughed through her tears and said:

"You're sorry? For what? For cheated on me and never even calling to apologize or for showing up here holding hands with that guy? Of all people, Maya? That guy?"

"We..." Maya lowered her head. "We are together again," she said in an almost inaudible tone of voice.

"I can't believe it", was the only thing Carina could say.

"I understood that between me and you was only sexual tension and he...", Maya still said before being interrupted by the brunette.

"Sexual tension?", Carina said in disbelief. "Everytime you cried in my arms was it 'sexual tension', Maya? Everytime I was late for work because I worried about you was it 'sexual tension'? Or when I left my brother to be with you?" Was all that 'sexual tesion'?, the tears flowed freely down the Italian's face.

"Carina...I'm sorry. I'm really sorry, but me and Jack... we're the same. He understands me", Maya said in a cracked voice.

The Italian looked at her shaking her head negatively as she took a breath between sobs to speak:

"Tell me if you cry in the bathroom thinking about us or is it just me? Or when people ask why we broke up do you scream inside? Can you focus on your work? And sleep at night in your bed? Tell me, are you hurtin or it is just me?"

Maya didn't respond, just stood there as she stared at the doctor. That was the answer Carina needed. She felt nothing. She didn't feel guilt and much less love for the brunette.

"How foolish I was to think you felt like me. To think that you're hurting and that's why you hadn't come after me. I hope he...", Carina closed her eyes and took a deep breath, giving up on continuing to speak. As much as she was hurt she wouldn't wish Maya harm. "Leave me alone, please", She almost begged.

Maya just turned over without saying anything else and left, closing the door behind her.

Carina stared at herself in the mirror and continued to cry. She had never felt broken like that.

"Babe? Carina? Wake up!", Maya said worried while trying to wake up her girlfriend beside her.

"Ma... Maya, Maya, Maya", she repeated softly, still with eyes shut.

"Hey, I'm here. I'm right here", The firefighter said running her hand over the drops of sweat on Carina's forehead as the italian slowly opened her eyes.

"Are you really here?", Carina said as her eyes caught the image of Maya in front of her. She breathed a sigh of relief.

"Yes, I'm here, babe. You're okay. You're with me", Maya said helping her to sit on the bed.

"I had a nightmare. You were with Jack and you were telling me horrible things", Her eyes filled with tears.

"You're fine now. It was just a bad dream, ok?", Maya said as she came and went with her fingers through her girlfriends hair.

"Did you love him, Maya?" , after a moment of silence the brunette spoke again.

"Who?"

"Jack. Did you love Jack?"

"No. Our relationship was basically about sex. There was almost no romantic involvement. But I already told you that like a hundred times.

"Yeah, but maybe I need you to record it so I can remember sometimes."

"I do this for you, my love", She said and placed a soft kiss on Carina's lips.

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AN: This chapter was inspired by the song "Is It just me? (Emilly Burns feat JP Cooper). I'll leave it here in case you want to hear it.