What Could've Been...

Chapter 11

Erin's POV
Breakfast with Sophia and Chloe was a welcomed distraction, and two hours later, we found ourselves back in Hank's living room. As Sophia snuggled to my side, intently watching Peppa Pig with a fluffy blanket draped over us, I ran my hand through her soft hair gently, allowing my mind to wander to Hank absentmindedly.

Anxiety crept in sneakily. He has been in surgery for a few hours now and I haven't heard anything. I want nothing more than to rush to the hospital but right now, Sophia needs me, and truth to be told, I need her too. I also did ask the nurse to call me once he's out of surgery or if there's any updates. At this point, maybe staying home is the better decision because at least I wouldn't be spiralling alone or left with my potentially destructive thoughts alone. At least I had my baby girl in my arms, and plus, I'm not ready to see the unit quite yet but I don't think I'll ever be ready.

The unit. I mean, what would I say to them? "Hey, I'm sorry for leaving so abruptly and not saying goodbye to any of you" or "Hey, I'm sorry I fucked up and betrayed all your trust". I can't even forgive myself for the way I left, so why would they forgive me? If only I could change the past. Looking back, I would've done a million things differently but sadly, nobody has invented or built a time machine yet.

Him. My mind wanders to him. I've spent years trying to push down the hurt that he had caused me when he left after I found out he was married. The pain that was kind enough to linger from having to work with him and see him every single day during the months after we broke up was excruciating. Not to mention the wave of hurt that hits me every time I walked into our apartment and slept on an empty bed. Alone.

Getting over him and moving to a new city was no easy task. It took such a huge mental toll to finally get to a place where I was happy in New York. That alone took years. Sophia has been my saving grace through it all. I don't know what I would've done if I didn't have her. Her innocent eyes and pure heart never fails to make me fall more and more in love with my daughter each passing day. Looking into her ocean blue eyes everyday, the same eyes as her dad's, tugged at my heart strings, thinking about what could've been if my last few months in Chicago didn't happen.

I know I should've said goodbye but it would've been too painful. I know I should've at least picked up his phone call once and given him closure, he deserved that much but each time I saw his name flash on my phone, tears would fall on the screen. I know I should've told him when I found out I was pregnant but just the thought of him was agonising. I know I should've done a lot of things differently but each time I thought of it, my mind would think of some reason to justify all my wrongdoings. Plus we weren't even together anymore at that point. Did it even matter? Would it have mattered? Maybe our history is just that. History. History that is better left in the past.